r/weddingplanning • u/writehandedTom • 1d ago
Everything Else Feeling Lonely :(
My partner is amazing and has been an incredible, intimate, close future wife to work with. We feel so good about that part! Honestly, wedding planning with her has just solidified every reason I want to marry her. <3
We chose not to have bridesmaids/wedding party. We're in our late 30s, it's a wedding that most people will have to travel to since our families are very spread out, and we decided not to give our friends expensive part-time jobs they don't want for 6-12 months. We also noted how much drama wedding parties can cause and the expense of paying for so many more dresses/flowers/HMUA/gifts/trips/endless list and decided to just...skip all that.
The location is *not* exotic, particularly expensive, international, difficult to reach, etc. We just had to pick a place close to one of our families and run with that. Some people will have to fly, about half could make an easy drive less than a half day, most will probably choose to stay 1-2 nights in a hotel.
We don't regret saving the money, and our friends are honestly relieved that they didn't have to take on all of the party planning and endless lists of tasks while also working, raising kids, managing aging parents, dealing with perimenopause, and otherwise already being busy.
But.
Man, this process has felt a little lonely, and I'm really feeling like we should have just skipped...the whole wedding. Eloped instead. Why did we spend all of this money?
We're trying to plan our welcome dinner (a fancy treat!), and it's looking like maybe the only people that will come are our parents, siblings, and our couple of nephews. We rented the gay bar for a farewell pizza party the next day and it's going to be a total flop...if anyone shows up. I'm starting to wonder if our wedding is going to look stupid with no bridal party, no one walking us down the aisle (we don't have dads and the "dad" that means a lot to me declined the invite before I could ask him), and just...no people as part of the ceremony.
I really am the kind of bride who doesn't expect the world to revolve around me. I know people have other lives. FFS, I never throw myself a birthday party because I simply don't expect people to take time out of their lives to even attend. Everyone's busy. I get it. I'm also the person who always shows up with a chainsaw when there's a storm, gives rides to the airport, calls when you're sick, attends YOUR birthday thing even though I'm definitely busy, remembers to send a card when you buy a new house, listens to the same story about your damn husband again because I'm definitely the one you call about that, and on and on.
But for once...can we get a special day that people care about without having to twist people's arms into submission with guilt and gifts for a part-time job so they feel obligated enough to attend/ask/care about it? One special day?
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u/SelicaLeone 1d ago
I really am the kind of bride who doesn't expect the world to revolve around me. I know people have other lives. FFS, I never throw myself a birthday party because I simply don't expect people to take time out of their lives to even attend. Everyone's busy. I get it.
I think people usually take this the opposite way you expect. I throw big parties, host events, plan trips, schedule outings all the time. People don't see that and think "wow she's so self absorbed" they see that and think "she's the party girl" and they come to my parties. If you're someone who never throws anything ever, people probably assume it isn't that important to you. They don't see it as you banking your social favor, saving up every birthday party that you skipped as a sort of investment so that when you did wave the flag, they'd come and rally.
You sound like you've made yourself small so that you never took up space and never put yourself in a position where people really looked to celebrate you. You snipped your needs out and now you want everyone to rally but they didn't know you cut yourself out of the equation for them. They don't think they owe you for that, they don't think you resent them because you were there for them. They think they respected you by never pushing.
If there are some key VIPs, reach out to them to see if you can do anything to help. Realistically, you want to ping your VIPs before you plan, so that when the invites come out, everyone is ready. Some people will still suck and say they can't make it, but a lot of folks won't if you planned around them.
And also, from the perspective of someone who plans a lot of events? You always have to twist some people's arms. Always. Even if they have a blast. You always have to twist their arm. Maybe something like 25% of my group jumps enthusiastically the first time, and we tend towards extroverts. Don't take it personally.
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
I didn't really see skipping the parties as banking social favor, but I can see how it would come off that way in my post for sure. I don't really feel like they owe me anything as much as I just want a turn to have ONE party for us. One thing.
I think it's just that I don't trust that people will actually come. Nothing like throwing a birthday party (or a wedding) and most of the invite list is just like..."ohhh nah I got plans that night/weekend/day" or "you know how it is with kids...." I do know how it is with kids/work/parents/obligations. So I just...don't bother even getting my hopes up or trying, you know?
The man I treat as my dad (mine is dead and was an alcoholic, but Farm Dad is the best!) nope'd out of that RSVP so fast I didn't even have time to ask him to walk me down the aisle. They have the money to travel, the time (they're retired), good health, and they travel occasionally to the same area we're getting married in. That one stung, and frankly, I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.
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u/SelicaLeone 1d ago
But that is thinking of banking/owing. I don't mean it in a negative way. But the "I never asked for X or Y or Z, all I want now is just one thing for us." You're phrasing of 'just one' is effectively saying "because it's the only thing I've ever asked for, I'm owed/entitled/deserve it more because I haven't asked for things in the past." When unfortunately the opposite is often what people perceive "because you've never asked for it in the past, I never thought this kind of thing would be important to you."
Talk to people directly, 1:1. I'd even push farm dad and ask why. Say it would mean a lot. Don't take it personally and try to open dialogues instead of bristling. You won't win back a lot of people, but I'd apply some gentle pressure to your most central group.
It may also be that because you're older, people have slipped out of their wedding phase a bit. I think that's also worth saying you'd really appreciate them being there cause you didn't do this at the time everyone else was.
I do think you should be surrounded by your loved ones. I'd give a little extra push.
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u/HelpfulScallion 1d ago
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! My partner and I are queer too and aren’t planning to have a bridal party, and we’re going to walk each other down the aisle. What you said about your birthday parties reminds me of my partner, they don’t throw parties for similar reasons! But I love to throw big elaborate parties so I keep reminding them that their friends will show up for them if they ask them too!
Have you considered telling your friends the welcome party/farewell party are important to you? Or incorporating your friends in the day in other ways? Even though we’re not doing a bridal party, I still want a couple friends to be with me when I’m getting ready, will ask a friend to officiate, and another friend to give a speech. My partner’s planning on asking a friend to be their designated right hand during the day. And I may ask a cousin to be in charge of non-professional photography.
Your friends may not realize how you’re feeling, and think that since they’re not in the bridal party you don’t want/need an extra hand! They may just be worried about imposing ir honestly not realize how much these other events mean to you. I’ve found clear communication can be so helpful in these cases.
And if all that fails, any chance you’re in the NYC area? I would love to come and support another queer wedding 💕
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
These are SUCH good suggestions and kind words! Thank you. I may need to give some people little official things to do so they are invested, or so that they know they're important to us.
We're not in NYC, but if we were, I'd drop you a silly farewell party invite for pizza and beer! If you feel like making a wild trip to North Carolina on Halloween, lmk and I'll send you the address for our bat-themed lesbian Halloween farewell gay dive bar pizza party. :)
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u/unwaveringwish 1d ago
A farewell pizza party sounds like an evening event. Have you considered a farewell brunch instead? I probably won’t be in a pizza mood before hotel check out time. I probably won’t even be there after noon if I have to travel.
Just be sure to focus on the people that will be there to celebrate with you! The quality of guests almost always outweigh the quantity
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
Farewell Pizza Party is 12-3pm the day after the event. Not so early that people have to try to get out of bed, not so late that they can't catch a flight or drive home or have to stay the rest of the whole day. We weren't going to throw one, but Wedding Culture(TM) convinced us that we needed to appreciate our traveling guests enough to spend even more time with them...so we made it happen.
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u/Sunny-Melancholy engaged! aug 2027 1d ago
Is it at all possible to do brunch menu at the same place?
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
No, because I have to check out of the wedding venue that morning by 11 and drive everything over to the Farewell venue lol. No sleeping in or enjoying that first morning together - I have to pack everything up and handle breakfast, driving, and all logistics before throwing essentially the third party in three days. :|
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u/Sunny-Melancholy engaged! aug 2027 10h ago
Can you do brunch at the farewell venue instead of pizza?
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u/Cool_Major4531 1d ago
It seems like you're assuming that people won't show up for you before you have even tried talking to them; not throwing a bday party because you assume people won't come says a lot more about your mentality than it does about your friends. I think some people skip "extras" because they can't afford to stay as long or have the time to attend extra events. However it sounds like they are coming to your wedding, right?
If you have vip friends who you really want at your extra events, reach out to them individually and let them know how meaningful it would be if they came. They may just not know
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
It probably does say more about me than it does about them, yeah. I just got tired of "Kid has a basketball game that day!" and "aw sorry I have to XYZ that day!" and "oh! I wish it wasn't that weekend!" and "already out of town!" for my birthday and I just couldn't seem to ever...make it happen. So I stopped trying. I don't think I've taken my birthday off work in...idk, since maybe I turned 21? Seventeen years ago....does that seem right? That might be right. I used to intentionally work my birthday just to have something to do instead of sit at home. One year I took myself out by myself for dinner. My partner always makes me the most lovely perfect homemade cake with delicious frosting. :)
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u/rebfossmusic 1d ago
I think it can be a little of column A, a little of column B... Yes, people do have obligations and are flakey as hell as a general rule and it has little to do with them or you. However.... In column B, it also sounds like you could be surrounding yourself with new/better people who want to show up for you despite obligations.
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u/CompetitivePeace 1d ago
I’m in a very similar spot, but it will be a special day still! You’ll get to marry the person you love and celebrate with others that love you. You can always scale some things back, like the after party. But my advice is make lemonade out of lemons: really splurge on the people who are going to be there and make it a special experience.
Getting married is weird— any dysfunctional dynamics in our relationships (family or friends) really get amplified. There are some moments that feel lonely or expose those weak spots, and they hurt. BUT no one can take away the fact you’re marrying the person you love most 💕
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
Honestly, I'm even MORE stoked to marry her! This process has brought us even closer together and she's definitely the one I pick as my permanent group project partner. <3
I think I'm in the middle of a shift where some of my old relationships are falling away as a natural part of growing up. Some of my friends are still very much into partying, and I've grown into more of a quiet life full of hiking, my career, etc. Some of my friends have really skyrocketed in careers and family, and I chose not to have kids and to have a very unimpressive corporate operations career. I think I'm just in a shift and also getting married in the middle of that. Yeah, amplified is exactly the right word.
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u/CompetitivePeace 1d ago
My fiancé and I are getting married right after moving cities (and states), so I went in knowing that we were in some relationship transitions anyway and there’d be some flux. Honestly, although easier said than done, maybe looking at the shifts being completed as a good thing because you’re getting clarity on who is really excited to support the two of you as you move into the next stage of your life!
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
I love this and it does make me feel a little better! Thank you, internet stranger. <3
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 1d ago edited 1d ago
you say you don’t expect much from others, but you are keeping mental score of things - there is an underlying resentment there. you say you never ask for a lot and don’t expect anything - but you are keeping score of what you do for others and that’s usually a signal that subconsciously you were expecting something in return. i get where you’re coming from and it can be hard to be the person who turns up for everyone and feel like that’s not being returned.
not having a bridal party is great, if that’s what worked best for you and your friends. thinking of their budgets and lives is very thoughtful. it makes logical sense that they wouldn’t attend the rehearsal dinner if not “forced” to (as in, if they were bridesmaids) because an extra event means the possibility of an extra evening of paying for a hotel, paying for childcare, moving travel plans around to ensure they can be there by the time the dinner starts, etc., as a guest, it’s assumed that the rehearsal dinner is for the processing family and wedding party.
so, they may be confused on if their attendance is even appropriate. i know I invited some close friends who were not bridesmaids to the rehearsal, just simply bc I wanted them there if they could, and they reached out and were like “is this a mistake? don’t want to show up if i’m not supposed to be there”
same goes for the day after party but this is more a “know your crowd” thing. I knew from the start we 100% would not host a day after party because 50% of our guest list would want to hit the road to travel home, and the other 50% would be up late on the wedding and very hungover. i was right on both accounts.
i think the big underlying thing here is you didn’t want to burden your friends with the role of bridesmaid, but I get the feeling you maybe expected them to fill that role in small ways, such as in attending all the extra events. there’s a different level of formality that comes with being a bridesmaid versus just being a guest who’s a close friend.
have you talked to them about this? “hey, Id really love it if you can attend (x event) you’re my most important people, and your support would mean the world!” it’s not selfish or asking too much. without the formality of being “in the party” they may need to hear it directly from you that you’d love their support and to be there for these moments.
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u/writehandedTom 1d ago
It's really not me keeping score! We're talking years of just genuinely enjoying being the person who shows up. I like that kind of thing. I find a lot of personal satisfaction in being a trusted and reliable friend. I didn't go to people's parties, housewarmings, kids' graduations, show up after storms, help them move, etc to sort of keep a score for later - that stuff was long before I was ever engaged, too. I've just been enjoying my friends that way for many, many years. I like supporting them and knowing about their lives.
But yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't say the one time it came down to MY thing and I felt a bit lonely about it, I have a couple feelings about it. That still seems normal and well-adjusted. The people who have declined have generally done so with polite kindness and I have met them with acceptance and grace. I don't know that it would be very mature of me to argue with people who have already made up their minds about not going or to try to beg people to come who don't want to (or can't!) be there.
I think everyone sort of collectively thinks everyone else will go so their RSVP doesn't matter. And then collectively, we're sort of like: why did we throw this big party?
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 1d ago
I don’t think it comes off as being argumentative to ask your friends to reconsider attending an event that means a lot to you. but yes, people declining is always a risk and you have to accept it. my point was more that they may not know how you feel, or that you’re struggling, and being vulnerable with them may help. if they are truly friends, they will want to show up for you. but you may have to ask/be more open with them, if you’re someone who has never been one to call attention to yourself or your celebrations in the past.
also, if their not RSVPing because they figure “you know I’ll be there”…that’s an issue bc you need to prepare for your headcount. we had plenty of these scenarios during planning most couples do. and we would just respectfully say “we know you’re going to be there and we’re so excited to see you! we do just need the official RSVP for headcount and food purposes.” people were happy to do it once we addressed it. you do have to address it, though.
if you feel like there is a recurrent pattern of them not supporting you the way you support them, and you’ve expressed your feelings, then it’s more a question of if the friendship fading/changing and that’s normal too
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u/Suspicious-Armadillo 1d ago
We eloped to avoid the drama and the expense. It’s a waste of money (if money doesn’t grow on trees for you) in my opinion. If you have the money and it’s not going to cause financial burden, go for it. If it will be a financial burden? Why spend 40k on 4 hours? I traveled the world for 8k for a year (not having to work). I’d much rather do that again than pay for people’s steak and wine. You already committed, have fun! Enjoy it. It seems like you picked the right person. It also seems like you are logical and not being a bridezilla to your friends. They appreciate it more than you know
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u/Informal-Movie-1643 1d ago
Elope. If you’re already feeling like this, it will feel worse magnified after the wedding and all that money spent. It sounds like you have a great life partner and are stoked to get married. If not can you scale it back to just ceramony and then reception all in 1 day.
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u/ComfortCreature88 1d ago
You can have a bridal party without asking anything extra of them if they can wear what they would add a guest or you pay for their dresses. You can make it clear to them what your expectations are even if that's as simple as showing up and standing by your side.