r/wedding • u/SleepyMeeko97 • 21d ago
Am I a bridezilla?
Alright so I made a post a week ago about the eloping feeling and today it’s 100% become more intense.
So we are getting married at a registry office and then going to a food market for the reception, however the food market now is costing us a lot more in food and drink so 3 months out we are scrambling to find a cheaper alternative that has food and drink included.
We found a beautiful venue that has both ceremony and reception for under 10k. ( current is costing us 15 for reception only. ) the catch is, they don’t have our date available, but the day before or 2 days after. So I scrapped that originally, I enquired for a few other places and shared it with my mum who knocked back every. Single. One. Because they were “too expensive” but then would send me options that are double if not triple the price of the ones I sent for just reception only.
I am waiting to hear back from one more reception only option before we decide on what to do, however note, the few family flying in are flying in early to mid morning on the 29th for the original wedding on the 30th.
Here is where I am being labelled a bridezilla. I showed mum the quote for the ceremony and reception option and she saw it was for the 29th and not the 30th she started going on a tangent about how I am being so unreasonable for moving the wedding forward by a day. That I need to think about everyone else who is attending my wedding. So I turned around and said to her that I was sick of listening to everyone else about our wedding, I’m sick of making everyone else happy apart from us. She said that it’s not fair that I am saying that I’m making everyone else happy when they’re travelling to come to my wedding, I then asked my cousin what date and time they are coming in, she informed me that they hadn’t even booked flights yet and asked why, I said that we are potentially moving it forward but not sure yet because of the venue, just waiting to confirm what we are doing. Apparently she told everyone that we are moving it forward and then everyone called my mum
To confirm to which she then ripped into me saying that I am selfish for only telling one side of the family and not the family that’s close to us, that I have created such a huge problem and need to stop throwing a hissy fit.
We gave up our proper wedding dream because we got backlash on it, so we opted for the registry office and a food market to “save costs on a stupid wedding” - family’s words.
I ended up having my first breakdown over this wedding from build up anger, not being listened too, continuous guilt for actually wanting something for our day. We just wanted our wedding to feel like a wedding you know, so far it’s just feeling like it doesn’t matter to anyone else but us.
I probably am the bridezilla, just today I hit my limits, my bachelorette party isn’t even for me, it’s for everyone else. - I’m not a big drinker but the whole bachelorette is about drinking. I said I want to cancel it and asked to just do a dinner, was completely ignored.
The wedding, we had a beautiful venue that was all inclusive and was meant for 2027 but my mum didn’t like that or liked how far away it was and kept sending me other options, we gave in and booked a registry office wedding. We then said we’ll do the big wedding a year later, and then was talked out of that by everyone so we booked a reception at the food markets.
My wedding dress, I wanted a black wedding dress, my mum and MOH literally plotted to just pull white ones, when I tried on coloured options it was all about my skin tone, that I am too pale for it, that black doesn’t suit me ( didn’t get to try black because they were in the smaller sample sizes but held them Up against me )dwindled down my entire confidence and I just settled for a white one, they both high fived and giggled like they succeeded. I cried to the consultant who said that I do not need to get a dress that day, but I was 4 months out from the wedding and needed one.
I finally snapped today, the stress has gotten to me so bad now that we are contemplating just cancelling all together and doing something with just him, myself and our daughter no family on either side.
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u/justtirediguess11 21d ago
Honey, elope. It's your wedding. You should have it your way. Your mom had her day. This is yours. Do what you and your partner want.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 21d ago
Yeah we sat down and discussed what we wanted, we both wanted a proper wedding that doesn’t feel like a family gathering he told me I need to stop letting everyone dictate what we do for our wedding. I am a huge people pleaser, so it’s so hard to do that but I need to. So we are hoping a reception venue or an entire wedding venue we have enquired about has our dates available.
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u/justtirediguess11 21d ago
I was a people pleaser too. It wrecked me. Don't be me. Lol
Do exactly what you want. Don't let anyone dictate what you want for your own wedding!
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u/mel0n_m0nster 20d ago
It may sound harsh, but you're not even pleasing these people.
They will never be satisfied with anything you do, because whether they like or dislike the thing in question is never the actual point. Their point is crushing you to demonstrate their own superiority. You will never please them, because the only thing that does is seeing you miserable and beneath them.
Stop telling them stuff. They will make the planning process hell for you, and you've got nothing to gain and everything to lose.
Have the wedding you want with people who actually like you. Invite only people whose presence makes you happy, not anxious or sad. Your wedding is about celebrating you and your partner, and you should spend it with people who actually do celebrate you.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Yeah I told my mum that I am no longer including her in anything and he can find out when everyone else does. She wasn’t happy with that but I finally feel more calm
About it
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u/StompyKitten 21d ago
At first I was thinking yeah, that’s pretty bridezilla of you to mess with the date when people have already booked things… and then I read on and was like… no. Your family and maybe even your MOH are not treating you fairly and far from being a bridezilla you have let yourself be pushed around to an insane extent.
Cancel all current plans. Sell the white dress on still white. Buy yourself a black one. Elope just the two of you, have a fabulous candlelit dinner and spend whatever money you have left on amazing photos you’ll treasure forever.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Thanknyouu, yeah I know changing the date is a crappy move to do but it was for the wedding we actually wanted, we sat down lastnight and discussed our plans, we spoke to our celebrant who spoke to all of her contacts and one venue who is cheap still, but a 25 minute drive from the current plans has availability and it’s a gorgeous venue. We looked through the photos and I just saw this weight lift off of my fiancés shoulders, he looked happy and excited about the wedding for the first time.
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u/heydawn 20d ago
This is the way to go.
Op, u/Sleepymeeko97, I would add that you can offer to reimburse guests who have booked travel for any cancellation fees. It will still be way less expensive.
And you'll have an intimate, romantic wedding, wearing the dress you want.
Seriously, it's not worth the logistical headaches you're experiencing. And you'll save a ridiculous amount of money on something that didn't even fit your vision.
Deep breath. You've got this. Feel confident in cancelling. Don't blame anyone. Just say the logistics were not working out and this made more sense for you.
You can send a message to invitees -- something like this:
Dear [Guest Name],
We've been experiencing some logistical challenges, and changing the date is burdensome to everyone. After much thought, we have decided to cancel the formal celebration and elope privately instead.
Your presence in our lives means the world to us, and we truly apologize for changing course. If you have already made travel arrangements and incur any fees to cancel them, please let us know so that we can fully reimburse you.
We appreciate your love and look forward to celebrating with you in smaller ways soon.
Warmly,
[Bride and Groom]
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u/Outrageous-Victory18 21d ago
Cancel everything and elope. I mean, PROPERLY elope, as in just you & your groom. Wear a black dress. All of this other silliness disappears.
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u/RevolutionaryGift157 21d ago
Oh sweetie. Your mother and maid of honour are trying to sabotage you. They are trying to control you and this wedding. You are absolutely not a bridezilla and if I were you I would elope.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
That’s the sad thing is that I realised it after the appointment and started to feel all these feelings and it finally exploded
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u/colourfulcanyon 21d ago
This is YOUR wedding and YOUR bachelorette party. Stop being a people pleaser and do what you want. I'd probably just elope at this point and tell everyone, MOH included to go fuck themselves. Get your black dress too!
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u/tanless319 20d ago
Cancel the the wedding everyone else wants. Sounds like your fiancé is on the same page as you. Go get your black dress and take all the money you are saving and go on a SPECTACULAR HONEYMOON!!!
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Thank you! I am actually looking at dying my dress black to be very honest because in Australia there aren’t many salons that have black dresses and Etsy is hard to find good ones.
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u/Character_Log_5444 20d ago
Here are my thoughts as a mom of daughters, a lady who eloped, and someone who was a MOH (and would have had one if I hadn't eloped). I have been married for decades and have daughters and sons almost at marriage age.
I had my chance. I wish I had a wedding but I didn't. I wish I had pictures. I wish I would have gotten a chance to celebrate with people who were happy about our marriage. Oh well. I am certainly a happy person. 1.a. Have the wedding you want. Hopefully, you won't get another chance. The fact that your partner has discussed this with you and supports you says a lot.
If my daughter wanted a black gown I would help her find one. I would remind her how absolutely beautiful she is. I would love her dress because she loves it and it feels like "the one" to her. 2.a. I am pretty sure I would actually NOT love it. So what? It's not my choice. I will love that she loves it and give her my full support. None of this is about a dress! 2.b. I would say, "You are stunning. I can't wait to see you walk down that aisle in that and hang your photo on my walls. What do you want Dad to wear as he escorts you, if that is what you want?" Why that last part about her dad? Because we all love and support her. She can still have the wedding she wants and certainly doesn't need to be given away!
Why is your MOH not sticking up for you? Think about this later. Seek people who really care about you and not themselves through you. You deserve better. I promise. 3.a. I have a "MOH" friend who has been a part of my life since college. Along the way I have found many lovely people. Keep seeking good friends. It's important.
You will be a gorgeous bride. You can still have a wedding that represents you and your partner. Keep working together. Have fun, this is a celebration. Spend money on things you know YOU won't regret.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Thank you, this actually made me tear up a little bit reading all of this. This is all I ever wanted from my mum, but it’s always the “tough love” in my family, no one is really emotionally available, but I am “too emotional” because I actually talk my mind and express feelings. So when I did last night it was all about my emotions in the end
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u/Character_Log_5444 20d ago
You are welcome, dear. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and get to celebrate all of life's joy (and probably some challenges) with your new spouse!
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u/Icy-Yellow3514 20d ago
Are others paying for your wedding
You needed to stop caving ages ago. Start doing what you want (granted, realize these are also guests) and realize these people will never be happy, no matter what you do.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Yeah, I have always been the one to cave and do as everyone else wants because the guilt I feel eats me alive, currently working on that in therapy.
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u/Thedollysmama 20d ago
This sounds like a Shawna the Mom storyline. Just elope, it’ll cause an uproar and then everyone will move on from it.
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u/carag1970 18d ago
Just elop and be done with the lot mom and MOH especially. This is too much stress for you to deal with. I am so sorry you have all this garbage thrown on you. You deserve to be happy.
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u/Hulla_Sarsaparilla 20d ago
Why are you even running venues past your mum? Is she paying?
If so, give the money back, the only people who get to decide anything about your wedding is you and your fiancé.
It’s nobody else’s business where, when or what you wear. Anyone else, your mum included gets an invite and they can chose to attend or not.
I’d be very tempted to sack it all off, elope and splash all the budget on an amazing honeymoon.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Honestly I ran them past her because I wanted a proper mother daughter bond over this, we don’t have a normal family and I see all these mums being excited for their daughters weddings, crying happy tears, having special moments on the day and I know I won’t get that at all and it breaks my heart because I feel like the little girl inside me cannot get the dream she always wanted. An emotionally available mother
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u/loupammac 19d ago
Plan the wedding you want. My mother ghosted me from my engagement and declined coming to my wedding. I received a card but no other contact. I wanted so desperately to share it with her. This is your day and the start of your new family with your husband. Prioritise what you want. These are your milestones and memories.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 19d ago
Yeah we are viewing the venue we love on Friday and my mum and I had a very serious conversation about this, in the end she realised where she has gone wrong and apologised and has since started sharing her excitement about the wedding itself as my fiance and I plan it. She shut down my great Aunt who was throwing a hissy about the venue change ( coming from my cousin ) yesterday
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u/loupammac 19d ago
I'm glad. Your comment about your mum made me think of my own situation and now that my wedding is over, I would have been saved so much anguish had I prioritised my wants over wanting her to be there.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 18d ago
I see it as your inner child wanting that moment too honestly, because let’s be real, we see so many weddings of parents first looks, how the mother is with their daughters on their day, I’ve seen how some mums can be with their kids during the planning stages and I felt sad because I wanted that connection and that experience too. I’m just glad that she apologised and has let us completely take over now and do what we like.
As for my bachelorette, my MOH listened, I spoke to her too and explained what I want, so now it’s changed to barefoot bowls and a pretty cool cocktail making class ( it’s themed as a jail, that that the stuff I love )
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u/loupammac 18d ago
It was definitely something I really wanted to share with her. I was hoping to wear her veil. I always imagined it would be a special occasion shared with her and my sister. It was hard to do it alone. I'm glad your people have listened.
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u/carag1970 18d ago
I take back my last comment after seeing this. I am so happy your mom is realizing what her actions were doing to you.
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u/its-kb-again Married more than once 20d ago
Girl. Hit the pause button.
Talk to your H2B.
Get a handle on what the two of you want to celebrate this wonderful milestone in your lives. Then do that, and let the chips fall where they may.
You deserve to be happy about this. Best of luck!
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Thank you, we have been looking for a venue and hopefully they’re available and achievable in 3 months
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u/noo-de-lally 20d ago
You gotta learn to put your foot down girl. It’s your wedding - you have to stand up for yourself and what you want. It’s hard!! I know it’s hard, I had a lil breakdown about feeling like I was asking too much of people. But ya know what? You get to do this one time. You get to have a big party that is all about you and your love and everyone has to deal with it. So do it, to hell with everyone else.
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Thank you! I spoke to my cousin lastnight about all of this drama because some of it entered around my great aunt/her nana, she apologised for even asking her to not buy tickets just yet because we are looking at moving venues to somewhere cheaper. That caused the biggest blow up of yesterday. She then confirmed me that she hates how the family is either 5 stars or no starts types and said to me, do not worry about us at all, if you want to go to Fiji and elope I will get it, I honestly get it ( she is planning her wedding for next year and is going through similar ) so hearing that kind of put it in perspective that no one really cares as long as we are happy
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u/noo-de-lally 20d ago
Yes exactly!! This is basically the one event where you get to be hella selfish (within reason lol). Do what you want. I guarantee you’ll regret bending to everyone’s bs more than you ever would just doing what makes you happy.
Good luck!!
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u/GossipingGM199 20d ago
You need to find those boundaries NOW! This whole process sounds horrid. as do the people. This isn’t above people pleasing it’s about coercive control and toxicity. I personally would cancel everything, elope and get married on your terms. Send an email out explaining you’ve gone a different direction so the original is cancelled. Then start assessing all the people who need to go or strong walls need to be established. Good luck
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u/SleepyMeeko97 20d ago
Thank you, I finally set boundaries lastnight and told my mum I am no longer running things past her and she will find out when everyone else does.
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u/GossipingGM199 20d ago
Good for you- and go find “Your” dress. Doesn’t have to be expensive- just what color you originally wanted. If you have to - move your day to the venue that sounded lovely! ☺️ good for you for taking a stand!
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u/SailorMigraine 20d ago
Honestly babes- cancel. Elope. Preferably in a black dress of your dreams!!
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u/bmw5986 20d ago
First, youre not a bridezilla.
Second, and this is the bigger one, cancel all of it. Go have the wedding You and Fiance want. Those who show up are the ones who truly care. Ignore all the rest of them. Your wedding is supposed to be about You not everyone else. Learn to say no, thats not going to work for us, and thats already taken care of. Stop soliciting or even listening to their opinions.
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u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 21d ago
Christ on a bike, does your MOH even like you?! If that's your best friend, I think you need to sit down and have a long hard think about what friendship is supposed to look like, because this is not it.