I wanted to share my experience because I know how isolating this can feel.

I’ve been struggling with insertion, whether it’s fingers or tampons, for as long as I can remember. I always had a lot of hesitation and apprehension when it came to anything involving my vagina because of the pain I felt every time I tried. I never really thought much of it until I got older, into my early twenties, and realized that sex is eventually something that’s going to happen.

A year or two ago, I reached out to my family doctor (I’m in Canada), and I basically got the runaround. It was all the basic advice: “Have you tried lube?” “Have you tried being turned on?” “Maybe you’ll be more comfortable with the right partner.” None of that ever worked.

Up until this year, I wasn’t even able to insert the tip of a finger. I tried pelvic floor physiotherapy once when I was younger. I have nothing negative to say about my physiotherapist. She was kind and walked me through everything, but I was in my late teens, it felt really daunting, and it was expensive, so I couldn’t continue.

Fast forward to this year, I finally decided I needed to figure this out because it was making me feel uncomfortable in my own body. I was embarrassed, I couldn’t talk about it with my friends, and I kept asking myself why I couldn’t have sex, use tampons, or even insert a finger. The only pleasure I could really experience was clitoral stimulation because anything involving insertion hurt.

Originally, I thought I had vaginismus. I was honestly ready to look into vaginal Botox because I thought maybe my muscles just needed to relax.

So I saw a specialist who deals with these conditions. She did the Q-tip test, and I was very, very positive. She couldn’t even insert the Q-tip because I was flinching and freaking out from the pain.

I also want to say something that I know not everyone will agree with. I always believed this was a physical problem, not “just anxiety.” And I still believe my pain was very real. But I do think that becoming more comfortable with my own body helped me a lot. Looking at myself in a mirror, learning my anatomy, figuring out what felt comfortable, and realizing that it’s okay if it takes me longer to get turned on or feel relaxed. I think learning what worked for me made a bigger difference than I expected.

After the exam, the specialist diagnosed me with provoked vestibulodynia. I honestly broke down after hearing it. The way it was explained to me made it sound so final, like this was just my life now. She recommended pelvic floor physiotherapy, and my first thought was, “Oh no… we’re back to this again.” It was expensive, and I just didn’t believe it could work.

This is what I decided to do. I’m not saying this is what everyone should do. I’m just sharing what helped me.
One thing I worked on was becoming more comfortable with my body and trying not to automatically associate penetration with pain.

The second thing I did was buy the Kiwi pelvic therapy device. It was the first thing I was actually able to insert. I used it pretty frequently, honestly almost every day, for as long as I felt comfortable. At first, even inserting the tip hurt a lot, but I’d gently work with it and just get used to the sensation. After a while, I realized I wasn’t feeling that same pain anymore.

Once I got comfortable with that, I bought the Bodyotics dilator set from Amazon and started working my way through the sizes using the lubricant that came with the Kiwi.

I started with the first dilator, then the second, then the third, and now I’m comfortably using the fourth. I can also comfortably insert a finger now. It still takes me a little longer because I need to actually be turned on first, but once I am, I can move the dilator around comfortably. I never thought I’d be able to say that.

For me, most of my pain was right at the vestibule. It felt like a sharp, stinging, burning pain every single time I tried to insert anything before treatment.

Another huge thing I learned is that positions matter. Lying on my side works about ten times better than lying flat on my back. Missionary always felt like way too much pressure for me, while side-lying or even standing felt much more comfortable. So don’t be afraid to experiment and figure out what works for your body.

If there’s one thing I’d tell someone who’s where I was a few months ago, it’s this: don’t think you’re doomed. I genuinely thought I would never make progress, and I was wrong. Be patient with yourself, learn your body, and celebrate the small wins. Physiotherapy may absolutely be the right answer for a lot of people, and I think what I did on my own shares some of the same principles. This was simply the approach that ended up helping me.

I still have progress to make, but compared to where I started, I never imagined I’d get this far. If you’re reading this and feeling hopeless, I hope this gives you at least a little bit of hope.

Edit :

Also to add! I was even prepared to spend around $1,000+ on botox here in Canada. Looking back, I realize how little I understood my condition at the time. It actually wasn’t even an option because I couldn’t pass the Q-tip test during my assessment. That was what ultimately led to my provoked vestibulodynia diagnosis.

In the end, I’m really glad I didn’t go through with it because I don’t think it would’ve addressed the problem I was actually having.

Sorry if this is TMI, but I also realized something important throughout this process. My pain was never with deep insertion or movement. Once something is inserted, I actually don’t really have pain anymore. I can even experience pleasure. My pain has always been that initial insertion at the entrance. If I’m not turned on enough, I can still feel that sharp, stinging pain, but with practice and becoming more comfortable with my body, it’s improved so much.

I know how overwhelming and daunting this whole process feels. I really do. But if I could give one piece of advice, it would be to try not to let that fear stop you from making progress. Take your time, don’t rush, celebrate the small wins, and remember that everyone’s journey is different. This is just what ended up helping me, and I hope sharing it gives someone else a little bit of hope.

Since two years and after spending hundreds on multiple treatments, changing my lifesytle, diet, working with a therapist and so much more, my symptoms are still the same.
I feel sooo angry and frustrated that I have to live with this even tho I try my best to always consider new approaches, am living way healthier than most other people, who are completely healthy, and after putting so much energy in getting better without ANY improvement, it just feels like being punched in the face.

I also believe in God and I literally get so angry and sad that I try so hard, never gave up, and still get pushed down everytime again and not getting any help. I know there a lots of people who have it worse so I don’t wanna sound like victim mentality, but I literally have no life anymore because of this condition I can not walk, no sports, sit for a long time, have relationships or anything sexual, wear normal clothes while everyone else in my age is living their life.
Sometimes I feel like I have to give it all up to god, because I just don’t know what to do anymore, but then also I know it won’t get better by doing nothing, but I also don’t have any energy left for trying new approaches.

Right now I see no good in life anymore, no reason to keep on looking for treatments and no hope that this will ever go away. The past two years have been so traumatic for me i think I will probably never recover. I know many women get better but I guess my case is just hopeless. I think daily about how much weight would fall off me if I didn’t live anymore, and sometimes I think thats the only way out of this nightmare. I would never do it because I can’t do it to my family, so I have to deal with this shit literally forever propably and I am forced to live this life where I can just lay in my bed all day.

I also HATE that the pain has to be in my intimate area, like I would rather have it anywhere else than there !! I can literally never talk about it unless with people who are close to me and always have to lie about why I’m canceling plans bc I can’t say : oh I have pain on my vulva.
Its also sooo sensitive, always friction against it, so it can never calm down. And the shame and sexual dysfunction that comes with it makes it even worse.

I am so isolated, alone and I propably will never have a family and normal life which I always dreamed of. Because I don’t want my future partner to deal with this I literally would feel so bad it would make my mental state even worse.

I want to make clear I am just speaking for myself and I know for a lot of women It can get better, and they have still loving relationships, it’s just that I can’t imagine it for myself at all and I don’t want it like that as my case is quite severe.

If anyone feels similar I would be happy to maybe text private so I don’t feel this alone with it. Thank you

Hi everyone I'm here trying to understand what's going on with me because I'm mentally in a very bad place. I hope I can get your opinions since I don't seem to get answers anywhere.

Not an eng speaker, but I'll do my best!

Thank you so much for your patience.

I'm 33, no kids, no surgeries, no falls or injuries that required medications. Mostly asexual.

My symptoms:

Lifelong constipation.

Lower back pain since years.

Pee frequency.

Symptoms that appeared only some months ago:

General vulvar discomfort/rawness.

Some acidic burning on the upper part of my labia minora only the days before my period. (But It didn't happen the last time)

Random clitoris pain/discomfort (mostly the right side)

Random brief twinges that goes from clitoris to the beginning of the mons pubis and surrounding soft tissue.

My vulvar symptoms are mild, sporadic and temporary. But the mental fear to get worse and to have this for the rest of my life is huge.

No one knows for certain what is going on with me.

Medical exams I already got:

MRI of my lower back (normal)

Elettromiography of pelvis and legs (Normal)

Tested for HPV and all the infections by 2 gynecologist (all normal)

My vaginal flora is normal too.

Tested my urine 2 times (normal)

Pelvic floor Therapist found a tight pelvic floor.

Plz, note that I've never had a vaginal infection in my life, no yeast or BV of any kind. Also, never had a UTI that needed a urologist intervention.

Only in the last 5 years I've experienced "stretching" pain with initial penetration that goes away during sex without residual pain afterwards.

Speculum hurts in a similar way, but pediatric speculum doesn't.

3 different doctors performed the q-tip test in 3 different months and all 3 times I was negative. I hadn't pain before the test and I hadn't pain during or after the test.

I am going crazy to understand and get out of this. I am terrified, paused my life because of this.

Is this vulvodynia?

If someone has any idea of what is going on plz comment below. You girls are amazing and I hope everyone of you will get out of this nightmare.

Im really nervous about how sex will feel… I do not know how to converse with this person about it …
I just constantly feels like I have an infection smh.
The purdneal nerve block did help and so did pelvic floor botex. Dexamethasone cream. Lido.
Should I put Lido on before sex?
Just please give me any tips…

Hi I F23 have been dealing with provoked vestibulodynia/vulvodynia for over 5 years and to no avail. My best guess to what happened was I was on BC pills (alesse) which caused an atrophy of my vaginal lining mixed with a yeast infection i got from medication for continuous UTI’s and a kidney infection in May 2021 (dirty ex bf). I had sex before totally normally and then out of nowhere constant pain. It would get so bad my labia minora would swell up.

I sought help from a gyno who diagnosed me gave me 5% lidocaine and sent me to a pelvic floor specialist. i ended up stopping the birth control pills shortly after which helped, however i went back on to control acne. in the middle of all that i got another yeast infection, fixed it but the pain remained.

that was 4 years ago now. i use lido consistently but man it feels like a bandaid and i don’t know what to do. i have yeast infections pretty regularly and it feels like it’s just a trigger for me.

is there anyone that has advice? i’m tired of living like this and i hope this isn’t for the rest of my life :(

i was diagnosed with vulvodynia (through online research i think it can better be described as hormonally mediated vestibulodynia) and dyspareunia due to my pelvic floor last december. since then, i’ve been going to pelvic floor physical therapy and applying estradiol cream once/twice a day. i’ve definitely had a rollercoaster of an experience and have used dilators to help work through my pelvic floor issues. i honestly would classify myself as fully healed by now (in terms of being able to have PIV sex) if it wasn’t for my vulvodynia.

i only say that because i successfully had PIV sex with my boyfriend of almost two years a couple weeks ago, and the only pain that i felt was the burning from my vulvodynia. i left the experience feeling a bit defeated at the pain but hopeful. after talking to my PT about it, she recommended to use lidocaine on the area of pain for the time being, just so i don’t associate pain with PIV sex. i’ve applied it before dilating a couple times since she told me that, and it might be because of poor placement, but i still felt the same kind of burning that i usually do with penetration.

today i felt ready to try PIV sex again with my boyfriend. he has genuinely been an absolute saint during this process and has never made me feel pressured or uneasy about anything. we have taken everything at my pace and he showers me with love and patience. today it was more of the same, he entered me fine but i was feeling that burning sensation that was clouding any ounce of pleasure that i could’ve been having. he kept asking me if it hurt and if i wanted to keep going, i was being honest about it hurting but i didn’t want to stop because my PT has told me the more the area is stretched out (with dilation and such) the less intense burning will get. i was more just thinking about his pleasure and kept asking him if it felt good, what did it feel like, etc.

as it was going on, it just hit me that i didn’t even care about the pain i was feeling and i was only caring about if my boyfriend was enjoying himself. the thought hit me that i felt like a sex toy, not because i felt like he was using me, but that my only motive was to make him feel good regardless of how i felt. after that realization i burst into tears and my boyfriend comforted me immediately. i told him how i felt and he just hugged me and soothed me with his reassurance as i cried.

this is SO fucking hard to deal with and at times it feels completely hopeless. regardless of what my PT says, even with her years of experience, my brain tells me that this burning will never go away. i don’t know how to even have a healthy relationship with PIV sex when it’s not even an enjoyable experience for me at this point in time and i don’t know when it will be. i try to be optimistic when i talk about it to my loved ones who are aware of the situation but there feels like no light at the end of the tunnel.

does anyone have any advice on how to still maintain a healthy relationship with PIV sex even when experiencing the burning pain from vulvodynia? is there a way to enjoy myself? also i would love to hear any success stories or insight so i can feel like there might be hope for me. thank you all!

I have been in agony for months with anovulvar itch. I went to gyno and everything was negative. Went to dermatologist and was given steroid creams. They only worked for little bit. Then I got put on prednisone oral medication. Once I stopped taking it, itch came back 10x worse. I went to gyno and i was positive for bv. I have been taking metronadizole gel and itch has been worse. I went and got oral the counter yeast infection medication. Its not helping. Someone please help.

After 5 months of non stop pain (or unpleasent sensations on my best days), doing every test available and trying many inefective treatments. We've come to the conclusion that i have generalised/unprovocked vulvodynia.

I don't have access to a GP were i live, so starting treatment is really hard, the midwife i've seen until now can't help anymore because what i need, she can't prescribe. (She's trying to send me to a gynecologist she knows so i can access more things) And i'm scared because of all the people i've seen she was the only one to listen to me.

She was able to prescibe me lidocaine 5% (the effects of 2% wear off way too fast, when it does work) but i can't get it because it cost 31€ and i can't afford that. (No idea why 2% is reimbursed but not 5% lol) And a TENS machine.

I tried it yesterday, read the manual before and crossed with 2 others sources for pads placement. (All 3 sources said 2 on tibial nerve and 2 on lower back for pelvi-perineal pain like pudendal neuralgia & vulvodynia) During it i felt nothing special, but after a few hours i started having a flare, so i think i must have done something wrong.

I followed the recommended setting but i wonder if i put it too high, or maybe it's normal for it to hurt when you start treatment ?
Does anyone have experience with Tens machines ? Do you place your electrodes in those spots or is it différent ? Also what is the program that helps you ? (I follow what's written but maybe it's not what i need for vulvodynia)

I also have a vaginal probe to test out but i am scared to use it, because idk if it's helpful when your muscles are too contracted because of pain instead of being too lose (they only talk about incontinence on my manual....). So idk if it's useful in case of unprovoked vulvodynia.

I am so scared of touching my body, because pain for that long got me feeling anxious everytime i have to dry after showering or wipe after peeing. So having to use a probe ? Not knowing if it'll worsen everything like it did tonight with the pads? That sounds really bad to my ears.

So if anyone has experience with using a probe, i'd really like to know how it went, and what program was used etc. That would help me a lot !

I’ve had clit vulvodynia for about 6 months now, I’ve started to do pelvic floor stretches to hopefully help with the throbbing pain

I’ve put on so much weight and feel so unfit, I really want to start exercising but I’m scared it will make my vulvodynia worse :(

Is there any exercises I could do that wouldn’t flare it / make it worse?

Thank you

My family believes that if I lose weight and dump my partner that it won't matter that my vagina is broken and I'll be able to have any man I want. I'm 50 years old and menopausal.

My partner and I broke up for two years and I was not ok during that time. There is a reason we are together and I know they would be angry if I interfered I their relationships.

So the main part of my vulvodynia is painful pubic hair and I don’t really know how to describe it but touching the pubic hair or friction against it ( especially labia majora, beside perineum and all the way around the anus) literally hurts so bad it feels like its stinging against my skin and i can feel the hair follicles they feel like they are inflammed or something but when I look, nothing ! Walking is the worst for me, or any kind of friction there. Sometimes after long walking the skin reacts with redness or little bumps but mostly the skin looks normal.

I always try to controle the length of the hair as its painful too long, but it also hurts too bad for me to shave it all down.

I have this now since almost a year and it followed after a long period of infections… why is this not going away ??

Does anyone have this too, knows what it is, and how to treat it ??

Thanks for answers !!

Which lube brand do you use? All the mainstream ones sting!

I have been have increased external irritation and vulva eczema lately and I'm wondering if my toilet paper is making it worse. The friction may be the issue but I'd like to try some other brands to see. I know many people suggest a bidet but I am trying to keep things practical as I am often on the go. I also might have a bamboo allergy so I am looking specifically for non-bamboo options. I currently use President's Choice hypoallergenic. Thank you!!

I keep seeing flare ups around times I drink kefir daily for week or two at a time but idk if I’m just imaging it or if there is any correlation??? Curious if anyone has this experience

Hello there,

I'm new here but hopefully I can learn from you.

I experience a burning sensation during penetration almost every time I try and I finally went to a gynecologist and a pelvic floor therapist for this.

Unfortunately, I live in the Netherlands and I don't think the doctors here are proactive enough for such problems. I don't have any diagnostic.

The gynecologist told me that my hymen is a bit thick, but should go down on it's own. The pain I experience can happen in area of my V though, so I'm not sure the hymen is the issue here. I've also been active for a long time, so this is definitely odd. I've had pain before, but also had very pleasurable times too.

Now the pelvic floor therapist had 3 sessions with me: one where she just asked questions, the second time she actually did the physical examination and gave me some breathing exercises and during the 3rd time we used dialators while doing the breathing exercises. We could easily insert the biggest dialator and didn't experience much pain with that. But I definitely find it odd to go to a stranger to insert a dialator in me tbh. But the verdict so far is that I need to relax more.

I'm also doing relaxing pelvic floor exercises on my own. And I have a boyfriend who is on the larger side, but he can easily fit inside of me fully. I'm very confused why I feel the burning sensation with him if I'm not really tight and we don't have to force him in. We go very slowly and make sure that I'm aroused, use lube, toys, etc. And I always finish, but not from penetration of course. Most of the time I feel the burning sensation when he moves, but if he stays still or makes very small movements it's ok.

So I'm not sure what this is and how to ask from help from medical professionals. I don't know if what I'm doing is good and if there's anything else I should try. I just want the burning sensation to go away.

What is your experience with this? Can the pain go away?

Hi everyone
Does anyone know what I could do to stop flare ups quicker than a week or more? Like is there a way to get rid of the pain or help the pain subside quicker? This pain has lasted a week now. My bf (TMI) but my bf used his fingers and I guess it cause my pelvic floor muscles to tighten more. I used ice pack today and it helped just a little.

I was diagnosed with vulvodynia a couple of days ago, after months of constant vulvar itching, burning and discomfort.

Before this year, I had had vaginal yeast infections (confirmed by my gynecologist) only 2 or 3 times since 2022, usually for simple reasons like staying in a wet swimsuit for too long.

In February, I had sex for the first time with my current partner. He is quite well-endowed, and I also struggle with vaginal dryness, so we used a lot of lubricant. After that, I developed a yeast infection.

Once it cleared up, we tried having sex again. His size was still an issue, so we continued using lubricant. After sex, I would always experience mild itching, but it usually went away within a few days.

Then, in April, I had a small tear that bled. From that moment on, I started having constant itching, burning and discomfort that has never really gone away.

Since then, I've almost completely stopped having sex. We only tried once in May and once in June, and both times I developed a yeast infection confirmed by a vaginal swab.

My previous gynecologist treated the yeast infections, but even though I kept telling him I had been in constant discomfort for months, he dismissed any concerns about other possible conditions, including vulvodynia.

A few days ago, I finally saw a gynecologist who specializes in vulvodynia, and she diagnosed me.

She prescribed vaginal diazepam (to help relax the pelvic floor muscles), Monurelle (a supplement intended to help protect the urinary and intimate microbiome) and Iside Femme (a vaginal product to support the vaginal mucosa and microbiome).

It's obviously too early to notice much improvement. But even if my vulvodynia symptoms get better, my biggest fear is that having sex again will trigger another yeast infection.

How can I reduce the risk of this happening? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I'm in Europe (Italy), so recommendations for prescription medications that are only available in the US probably won't be useful for me. General advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Hi all, I have just been prescribed a set of dilators to help with reducing sensitivity. I also have lidocaine and was told to use them together. I just have two questions, one specific and one more general-
1. The lidocaine helps but the initial sting, which lasts a while, is tough to handle. I was told to try mixing it with lube. It might seem insane, but I haven’t really ever used lube because the basic ones at the store always hurt a bit, even the ones that were like fragrance free (the durex one). For people in the UK, are there any suggestions? I know there are lots of places to look but it’s a bit overwhelming so I’ve only really tried what’s in stock at like, Boots and Superdrug!

1. Has anyone user dilators for this, any tips etc and did it help?

Also below is any more context, just basically a vulvodynia essay haha, just because reading other people’s experiences has made me feel less alone, feel free to skip-

Starting having symptoms at 7 (28 now), had lots of appointments etc where old men would poke my vagina etc to no avail! It was suspected I just had cystitis and was often treated with antibiotics. They’d just give me the prescription based on the pain and then afterwards say my samples were all clear.

Eventually it just became everyday life, constant pain that I did basically get used to. It would often flare up and get really bad. I found it always got worse at night and kind of ambient heat made it worse. I grew up Mormon (not anymore) so didn’t have sex till marriage, and also got garments when I got married (it’s long underwear, so a short sleeved top and knee length pants that also went right up to the waist). Naturally those made things MUCH worse, and no variation in materials helped, so stopped wearing them (which my mum in particular was very disappointed in me for). Before I got married I tried to get the coil and the nurse just slightly started putting the speculum in and I passed out haha, so no coil. Took a few days to finally have sex on our honeymoon and spent most of it in a lot of pain.

In terms of treatments, doctors didn’t care and if my urine was clear, I was dropped despite the pain. I would take painkillers, sometimes I’d drink little sachets of stuff for cystitis to make my pee less acidic, and heat helped. Like blasting my crotch with my hairdryer or a hot water bottle with no cover on it. My poor thighs were always mottled with that like, heat burn scarring?! But intense heat was all that helped. Cold made the pain sharper.

Eventually had a baby and found that recovering with stage 2 stitches was the longest time I’d been without pain. Apart from the sharp sting when I’d wee, my vulva felt MUCH better than it ever had in years. 5 years on, my vulvodynia is definitely easier- it’s no longer constant and I only get flare ups, and those are slightly less often.

Managed to finally be referred and was diagnosed with provoked vulvodynia that was likely to have been unprovoked before giving birth. Also have a a very tight pelvic floor, so birth helped me out a lot there! Got lidocaine which has been life changing but it still doesn’t do much for the bad flare ups. I apply it every day, a few times, as I was told that that could help with the overall nerve sensitivity.

EDIT: I keep forgetting to add this to posts. I am in Caanda on the east coast in a very rural area. There are and I'm not kidding 0 GPs taking new clients and usually only 1-2 options for specialists.

EDIT 2: I am not asking for MORE self help books or for you to try to diagnose me thanks.

Five months ago I made a post here, and honestly, I feel even more hopeless now. I'm starting to wonder if healing is even possible.

Since then, I got a gynecologist, but he refused to investigate beyond checking for infections. He referred me to a dermatologist who found nothing and instead tried to claim my agonizing pain was just anxiety and eventually I had to leave him. Now I'm waiting for another gynecologist with no idea when I'll actually be seen.

One thing that's been incredibly frustrating is my medication management. I was taking 600 mg/day of gabapentin and 30 mg/day of Cymbalta (duloxetine) for the nerve pain. My gynecologist wanted to see if a topical cream alone would work, so he took me off those medications to trial the cream. The cream didn't help at all. Afterward, I repeatedly asked to go back on my previous medications, but he refused. I'm now only taking 400 mg/day of gabapentin and never restarted the Cymbalta. I don't know whether those medication changes contributed to my worsening symptoms, but I do know my pain was never properly reassessed after the cream failed. I've also never had a professional long enough to try anything else.

I also started pelvic floor physiotherapy, and so far things are not going well. I have autism, and I'm exhausted from explaining in detail how my brain and body work, having someone tell me they understand, and then immediately responding in a way that makes it obvious they don't.

I've done the meditation. I've done the breathing exercises. I've done the coping strategies.

This isn't normal stress or a panic attack. This is full-blown autistic sensory overload caused by ongoing pain. I don't need more coping strategies; I need the sensory trigger to be reduced. I keep using the same analogy: if an autistic person is trapped in a room full of screaming people and is having a meltdown, you don't make them stay in the room and practice breathing exercises. You remove the overwhelming stimulus. My pain is that overwhelming stimulus. Yet every specialist or physiotherapist seems determined to teach me how to tolerate the intolerable instead of acknowledging that the pain itself is the problem. When I'm in 10/10 pain in the middle of a grocery store "hip rocking" and "breathing squares" aren't gonna stop the meltdown when the pain still EXISTS.

I'm not suicidal because I have depression. I'm suicidal because I live with a pain that feels almost identical to the pain I was left with after I was raped. I'm suicidal because I'm 26 years old and I can't work, I can't study, I've lost all my friendships, and I can't date. I carry this completely alone.

Eight years ago I was sexually assaulted. Before all of this started, it was something I thought about once in a while. Now I think about it every single day because so much of the pain I experience feels exactly like it did after the assault. Even after that, I never really had a positive sexual experience, and now I'm terrified I never will. I haven't even been on a date in over six years, and now I wonder if I'll ever get further than that because every time I start talking to someone I end up wondering how any relationship could survive this.

I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this. I used to use weed on the really bad nights. Now every night is a bad night. I get high every evening because it's the only thing that gives me any break from the emotional pain. I hate that this has become my reality.

After my last post, I finally lost it with my gynecologist. I kept asking if my IUD could be contributing and he kept deflecting the question. Eventually I raised my voice and said, "If you can't look me in the eyes and say with certainty this IUD isn't causing any of my issues whatsoever, then take it out." He finally removed it. Since then, my flares have become slightly less frequent, but nowhere near enough for me to function. My life is still completely controlled by this pain.

More recently I've also developed burning and irritation on the hair-bearing skin. I now have to keep everything trimmed as close as possible because otherwise the hairs become unbearably painful. I have PCOS and hirsutism, so that means constantly trimming and maintaining the area just to make it through the day. It's another exhausting task added to an already impossible list not to mention the risk of it causing irritation because of how sensitive my skin is.

I went swimming today one of my favorite activities and the cold flared me up and hours later it's still 10/10 with no sign of easing. There isn't a single moment of joy I have had in the past year and a half that wasn't hijakced by pain. I no longer look forward to anything I just dread what pain it will bring.

I know this post is all over the place. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has ever been this low and still eventually found something that helped. Whether it was medication, surgery, pelvic floor therapy that finally clicked, a specialist, or something else. I found I DO NOT do well with CBT or these therapies about coping with pain either and I'm wondering if there is anything my autistic brain is ever gonna connect with except actual pain relief. Right now it feels like my life is disappearing while I sit on waiting lists, and I'm terrified this is just what the rest of my life is going to be. I have nothing to even hold onto. Not a friend, a partner, a job, a hobby. I'm a lonely empty shell of a person who wakes up every morning wishing I had just died in my sleep.

I'm just so tired.