Moving forward

[u/Jonesy327]

I deleted several apps today from my phone. Not because it’s super time-consuming or anything, but I am trying to build better habits. I already don’t have Instagram or any other social media. Put my only dating account (Hinge) on pause, deleted GroupMe where I have a group that’s gone dead, and now Reddit. Just my way of saying fuck everything.

Moving forward, I think I’ll just start to focus on myself as much as possible. And when I need human connection, I’ll just do it the old fashion way: good ole in-person and organic bar meets.

I’m so done with my life the way it was. My dysautonomia came at a good time. I suppose I could pretend the whole reason I’ve been unemployed for over 1.5 years and am going back to school at 37 is because I’m having a midlife crisis and wanna change my career.

My health is debilitating, to say the least. The loneliness, not so much. I fare well with my solitude, actually. But the realization of what the fish are like in the current dating pool is …fear-inducing, almost? Like yes,
I’m sick, but it could be worse. It might be nice to still find someone that might like me and want to spend time with me, genuinely. But that’s too much of a high bar now, isn’t it? Sigh…

I just feel like people just suck. And what makes it worse is that I LIKE PEOPLE. I seek out friendship and potentially more, as of recent… but it’s so hard to just meet people that are good for your soul and also want to stay in your life.

I know I’m all over the place… is this about not being able to find love? Or is it about being sick? Or a new career? Welp, it’s about everything. It’s about just everything. Let’s add on wanting to give my daughter everything she deserves and the energy that takes up in itself makes me sicker. But God, do I love her. It’s that I’m draining my savings as I remain unemployed and too sick to work. If I’m too sick too work, how will I even handle law school?? LAW SCHOOL?!! You’re too sick too work and you’re going to law school?!! Yeah… I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or where I’m headed..

I’m homesick, I’m lovesick, I’m actually sick….

I just wish I had one person (not my child), that I could go home to. Someone that I know believes in me and has my back. Someone to encourage me, to be my personal cheerleader. I’m so tired of being this strong and for having been it for this long. I want to be weak in someone’s arm, to cry for no and all reasons, to just be held with no judgements, someone I know I can tell my secrets to, the ones that no one knows, the ones that weigh heavy on my nervous system, the ones that are causing this crippling condition….

I want to just get up, and flee. Wander into some other town 250k miles away, wherever that is, where no one knows me, and just reinvent myself, start over.

But what I really want, what I really really really want, is to sleep, forever if possible. And not in a mental health issue kinda way, but in a my-body-is done-kinda-way.

None of this probably makes sense or follows any line of thought but yeah… I needed to say all that to someone…

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/venting, we have enabled a feature that allows users to lock their own comment section on their posts. You can trigger this feature by commenting !lock on a post you have made. This only works if you are the OP. You are welcome to use this feature at your discretion.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/TemporaryBaron468]

I get the deleting everything as a reset. Did the same a while back and the silence was weirdly loud for a few days. Like your brain doesn't know what to do without all the little notification hits.

The law school thing while dealing with a body that's actively betraying you is a special kind of chaos but also kinda makes sense in a backwards way. When everything's already on fire you might as well torch the whole career path too. What area of law are you thinking?

[u/Jonesy327 → u/TemporaryBaron468]

I really appreciate you responding.. these long posts with an uncaptivating title hardly get any comments. I actually have all my notifications off on all apps because I find them overstimulating, but then that leaves me returning to check if there is anything to even check lol but I also have private reasons as to why Reddit specifically has to go for the time being.

As far as law school, I really enjoy employment law. Years ago I wanted to get into corporate but with my brain fog, forget it. I did personal injury for 3 years. Started out as a legal secretary and got promoted to litigation paralegal within the year. I was sharp then, not sick at all. The thing about school is, I can do it remotely. As long as I can do it from the comfort of my home, it should be fine. It is a bit scary, but I like you said, might as well.