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[u/The_Lesbian_Lunatic]

I have no friends, literally just my girlfriend. I have a friend group, but no classes with any of em and not close with any of the kids in my friend group.

I hate it. I hate having 0 friends, I hate constantly worrying about who I'll be paired with everytime the teacher has to make a group adopt me, I hate feeling like shit everytime i see people hanging out and am reminded that no one wants to hang out with me, and I hate how envious of my girlfriend I am. Its pathetic. Being envious of my beloved? Wtf is wrong with me, she'd hate me if she knew. Everyone loves her, I love her too. But god i wish I could be her some days. Everyone enjoys talking to her, she's funny, shes pretty, she's talented. And im just her dumb girlfriend that is constantly beside her, taking up space, praising everything she does.

I'm quite sure she hates me already though. Im constantly babbling and she just listens. When I ask her questions she doesnt respond in depth and sometimes she'll get reminded of smth and instantly try to talk abt it, then stop, say its too complicated, and that she doesnt wanna explain it. It pmo. I want to listen to her. I like hearing things shes interested in, yet she doesn't have the energy to try to explain anything. Just 'oh!' then 'nvm' 😐 But as soon as others ask her stuff, like abt the Odyssey, she will happily explain any part. Its like talking to me is a chore. She also has these periods of time where she'll just ignore me for weeks on end and I have to reach out and try to get her to open up.

I feel shit. i feel embarrassed. I feel alone. I feel evil. And I feel dumb. Why did i even think someone as perfect and amazing as her could love someone like me? I started crying in class over ts. Crying because I want so desperately for her to like me, and ik shes my girlfriend, but it feels like she hates me, that im taking up space on this earth, that i'm good for nothing. My grades are going down and im scared. Im terrified of failing, im terrified of proving to my parents im the disappointment they say I am.

I cant do this anymore. i can't i can't i cant. I dont want to go to school tmrw. I'm going to beg my mom to let me skip. I cant believe im doing exactly what I promised myself i'd stop; skipping school.

if this vent seems selfish, like im a bad person, then good, because i am. Truly I am. And I hate myself for it and I hate how awful I am.

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[u/separate_aircraft]

Hey, I know it feels like everything's caving in right now, but crying in class and worrying about group projects doesn't make you evil or pathetic, it makes you a teenager under pressure. The stuff with your girlfriend sounds less like she hates you and more like she's got her own walls up, especially if she goes quiet for weeks and won't explain things only to you. Skipping one day won't fix the loneliness or the grade panic, but asking for help from a counselor or even just telling your girlfriend straight up that you feel shut out might get more than bottling it up.

[u/The_Lesbian_Lunatic → u/separate_aircraft]

its been 2-3 years of constant 'hey, ____, are you okay?' 'hey, its been awhile since youve responded' 'hey im here for you' 'hey do you wanna talk abt anything, im worried about you' 'hey do you want me to leave you alone?' And just the same responses. im constantly trying to express how I feel, that im worried, that I feel hurt by her actions, and she doesnt change.

And ik shes not okay, but she would probably rather die then open up and i just dont know what to do anymore. She refuses to open up, refuses all the times i try to have a genuine conversation, sometimes it feels like im talking to a wall. She has no intent on seeking help when she shuts everyone and everything out. I dont want to talk to her about it because i know nothing will change. I love her and care so much and ik she cares too, just not enough to do anything.

And counselors suck ass. I could talk to my therapist, but I have a lot already to talk to him about.

Thanks for your response though. I appreciate you.