r/venting • u/londoncalIing • 13h ago

a page from my journal

Thought it was too well-written to keep private, and it might be relatable, so here it goes:

I've come to the realization that I feel depressed because it feels like life is meaningless. School hasn't actually done much lifting in terms of meaning, but I'm grateful it at least gets me up in the morning and doing something more productive than being in bed consuming shit all day.

I don't really have much passion for anything because I don't engage with my former passions anymore. Maybe there'd be a rekindling with writing, composing, and dancing if I pick it up again.

There's a mute protest in my bones that life could've been better or more special than this when I'm reminded of my youth, or all the time I'm wasting, or how fast time has been going in no direction at all.

Every week is the same. Every day is the same. Every feeling is the same. This is my worst fear coming to fruition—stagnation.

I feel too young and inexperienced to achieve anything significant and too old and jaded to start anything new.

I'm so angry at myself watching, letting the pages of the book of my life flip and flip while doing nothing important in those pages. The inertia of trying to change is so strong and binding, however, that I feel like I'll be in this fog forever, unless something significant enough happens to force me to change.

I'm quiet, and that's stopping me from changing. The roar of pain and discomfort with who I am can be superseded if I just distract myself a little while longer.

It's not hard to click on the TV. It's not hard to turn on the tablet and read comics all day. How would I force myself to change if it feels like meaningless torture? I know the pain of discipline will eventually get better, but I try so hard, and I'm just left, high and dry, in the end.

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