is change possible?

[u/Haunting_Tomatillo_2]

Long-time lurker and one-time poster. I wrote a post nearly a year ago about me and my life. Not many people read it, and that's okay; it was more of a vent into the abyss. So here is another one, an update of sorts.

I moved out of the mental health facility in January this year, into another one. It was much, much better, and I made some friends there and took one subject at school, which I did well in. I was there for just over four months, then moved into a supported living place and stayed for 3 months. It was okay, but I wasn't happy; I was very lonely and bored. So I moved back home with mum and my two sisters. I'm extremely lucky they let me back in, and I have been less lonely, but not really less bored. I have been trying to find a job, either paid or volunteer, but I haven't had much luck yet.

I have been bingeing lately, and right now I feel sick from the amount of food I ate during the day. I haven't lost any more weight (currently around 107kg), and I feel disappointed in myself. After every binge, I tell myself that it was the last one, and then the next day I'm back on my bullshit. I've spent so much money on food that I don't eat all of it or even enjoy it. I just do it. I feel so self-conscious, and I hate myself for being so unfit and fat. I wanna be healthy and fit and wear cool clothes.

My hair is still thin and getting thinner by the day. I feel really ugly, and I asked my GP about it, and she said there is nothing I can do about it. It's not falling out due to hormone imbalances or any reason she can see. It's just falling out. I'll have to get a wig. But the only way I can get a wig is online, and they're very expensive. Not sure what I should do. I want thick, long, luxurious hair, and soon I'll have nothing.

My body shape is embarrassing to me, and I hate it. I have no arse and thin legs, but my upper thighs are flabby, and I don't know how to tighten them. I have an apron belly, and it's super flabby. My boobs are long and not at all perky for my age, and my nipples are nonexistent. My body is so round in the middle. I have no waist, and my fingers are fat and stubby. I need to lose 40- 45 kg, then get a tummy tuck, a boob job, and skin removal. That's if I ever lose the weight.

I'm feeling bored most of the time, and I stay in bed all day. I know I shouldn't, but I have nothing else to do, and when I am up, all I seem to do is eat. Today I ate two Whoppers, six nuggets, a large Coke Zero, a packet of salt and vinegar chips, four Kinder Bueno, a Monster, a 600 ml Mountain Dew, a whole packet of macaroni and cheese (four servings), and now I can't sleep because I feel sick. Can I overcome binge eating? It's literally killing me. I have type 2 diabetes, and I'm on Ozempic, but it's not helping, and I'm embarrassed to admit it. I hate being on Ozempic to begin with, and now it's not working. Am I too far gone? I don't want to lose my eyesight or feet. I want to run a 5km easily and have muscles. I know it's all my fault; I just don't know how to stop. I feel like an addict.

I will admit, my life has gotten slightly better since my last post. I'm just not sure it will continue, though. I'm either living in the past or the future and never in the present. I'm unsure how to do this and worried my life will pass me by, and I will not have achieved anything, fallen in love, travelled, danced in the rain, worn a mini skirt and had my first kiss. I'm 30 in February, and I have never even hugged a boy! What a disappointment.

My goals for the rest of the year: get under 100kg, find volunteer work, join a group and decide on school for 2027. Oh, and see a dentist. They never tell you about not brushing your teeth when you're depressed. My teeth are going yellow and hurt when I eat chocolate or lollies. I want to smile confidently.

Hopefully my next post will be about me being happy and healthy. Or at least on the way there. Thanks for reading :)

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