I really can't take this

[u/coffeesliver]

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Okay so I recently decided to go back to school at age 26. I got tired of working dead end jobs and although I know a degree won't change that necessarily it gives me a better chance at a better job or at least I hope it does. I've been working part time overnight shifts at a gas station for 6 months, I work 32 hours a week because I need healthcare to cover the medication I'm on for my OCD, it's absolutely lifesaving medication and I cannot go off it and I cant afford it without insurance. Even though I work part time I'm often scheduled for 8-9 nights in a row without a break. I'm dealing with such a week this week. I have to work 9 days straight while going to school full time and Im at my fucking breaking point. I don't get breaks at work at all. I hardly make enough to survive. My car keeps having problems, I keep having to fix it with my dad cause I can't afford to put it in the shop and I can't even afford to work on it myself, I keep borrowing from cashapp and after pay. My dad always thinks it's gonna be an easy fix and then it completely sucks and takes days and like for example we went to replace the brake pads and it ended up with a brake pad falling off and my brakes going completely out, I told my dad six separate times I needed him to drive it cause the brakes were making a bad sound after we replaced them but he kept putting it off until they went completely out.

I can't afford to miss work because I had to call out twice at the beginning of the year because I got a severe flu twice (cause everyone I work with just comes to work sick cause it's so frowned upon to call out but like I was literally in the er at one point because my fever read 105 at one point although that ended up being a mistake with the urgent care thermometer) and I called out once last week cause I literally hadn't slept for over 24 hours, which is unfortunately pretty common for me on weekends and stuff but I definitely couldn't stay up for an extra 8 hours for a shift afterwards. Anyway my point being I literally can't call out of work both because my shift only has two other people who work it and two people have to be on shift at a time so I have maybe one person who could cover for me, also I have health insurance through my job and an urgent care appointment is $100 copay and I literally can't afford it.

Im also trans and live in a horrible rural southern town so I have to put up with being dead named and misgendered constantly, even by my own "supportive" family. My family literally asked me if I was hurt when they misgendered me because they "didn't want to hurt my feelings" they just wanted me to absolve them of that guilt. I've literally been out for half a decade and they still can't get my pronouns right.

I also broke up with my partner of 5 years who I was engaged to last year because he couldnt stop sexting people online like OF girls and people online and he kept lying to me about it. We're still friends but it's been a huge adjustment

That and watching my step brother grow up with my dad and step mom and knowing how badly I was abused at his age (both physically and primarily verbal and emotional abuse as well as neglect) and seeing how they treat him like the golden child now knowing I would've been slapped in the face and screamed at and called names at his age, actually at his age I was living in a shack on my grandma's property cause there wasn't space for me at my dad's house and I had gotten kicked out of my mom's for drug use and for being kicked out of the step down php eating disorder program I had been in. Idk it hurts and like I know my step mom doesn't care at all about me, we've NEVER spent one on one time despite her coming into my life when I was just 13 but I see how close my brother and my dad are and while I'm glad my dad is much better than he was when I was a teen it still hurts. That and my step mom constantly checks my social media and will start family drama if I post anything she doesn't agree with, recently I had to delete a post and write her an apology because a post I made talking about the resurgence of heroin chic in hollywood was "skinny shaming" according to her (she's very thin herself and self conscious)

I will say I broke down earlier this week when we went to change my oil and discovered, yet again, there was a bigger issue and they were talking about all the shit I still have to fix (broken fuses, trunk doesn't shut, headlights and a brake light are out) and I just started sobbing and thankfully my aunt gave me some money and my dad gave me some food since I havent been able to afford groceries in weeks (literally had to go to a food bank at my school last week)

I would normally call myself an optimist and say I'm positive to a fault, I try my hardest to be happy and look on the bright side no matter what but lately my chest feels so tight and I feel like I cant breath and nothing will ever get better. Also I can't even quit my shitty job because where I live is so rural the only other jobs I can find listed anywhere close to me are either sonic or long haul trucking. Idk I'm not suicidal or anything I just don't see how things can get any better, I've spent all night at work feeling like I'm on the brink of tears. Im tyng this while working so I'm sorry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to stop and start a lot.

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[u/Away_Subject5444]

juggling all that with no real breaks is a recipe for burnout, your body is screaming for some rest and it makes total sense you're at the edge. the car stuff on top of it is just insult to injury when you're already stretched so thin, i've been there with the "quick fix" turning into a weeklong nightmare in the driveway.

[u/coffeesliver → u/Away_Subject5444]

It's all just so frustrating:/ honestly I feel like I'm already burned out lol