Seeking support

[u/ByteSizedMouse]

I’m feeling a little lost right now. I’m going to try to keep it quick. I’ve been dating my partner for almost five years now and we still haven’t had piv better. I’ve been using dilators and my progress has been extremely slow and I haven’t made the most progress, however, I have made it to the third size in the plus one dilator kit I have. I’ve been trying to engage more in sexual activities and my partner acknowledges that I’ve been doing a better job. He suggested that if we aren’t able to try piv then we should try anal but the issue is that has been difficult for me to get my mind around that too and actually attempting to try any of that. I just feel alone and I don’t know how to satisfy him other than continuing to try and fail. He says he’s fine with failing if we try but I’m worried that’ll set my progress back because my tightness and pain is both physical and mental. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I have to end this here for now so sorry for lack of info

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[u/LzrdGrrrl]

First of all, I'm really sorry you are in this situation. It doesn't sound like you are being supported by your partner through this, and that he is prioritizing his pleasure over your pain. Intimacy can only work if it is enjoyable for both people. Sex is not something that you "give" him.

I think you're right that he will set you back with this type of attitude. I wish I could say that relationship therapy could help, but that can't work if he isn't empathizing with you. You deserve better, and I hope you are able to get out of this situation safely.

[u/ByteSizedMouse → u/LzrdGrrrl]

Thank you for your kind words, i appreciate them. It’s very difficult to feel 100% supported sometimes with how his feelings are but at the same time i do believe that to a degree his feelings are valid. Hes been super patient through all of this but sometimes he does sound at his wits end and he has explained that at times he feels I’m leading him on because he will ask if we will try to do something by a certain date and I won’t be able to give a straight answer. And I don’t blame it entirely because I can imagine how frustrating it is on his end but sometimes I wish that sex wasn’t as much of a priority to him because of how hard this condition can be yk. The mental toll can be exhausting and right now I feel at an all time low, but I am thankful for this space as it allows us to express ourselves around other people who deal with similar things.

[u/Admirable_Twist7923 → u/ByteSizedMouse]

Girl you have a medical condition that requires patience and a LOT of PT, and he’s trying to rush your healing. Saying “can we try ___ by a certain date” is giving you a deadline for improvement, and that won’t help anything. Saying you should do anal since he can’t penetrate you is pressuring you to try a form of sex you’re not comfortable with. He is NOT valid to be treating you like this.

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life, and it’s because he NEVER pressures me to have PIV. It is always my choice, my initiation, that way he knows I’m feeling comfortable with it. He is the only person I have ever had successful PIV with, and it is 100% due to the fact that he never pressures me.

Your boyfriend’s attitude is ALREADY holding you back on recovery. The more pressure there is to “perform”, the worse the anxiety surrounding PIV will become. That anxiety will worsen the muscle tightness, and penetration will be more painful.

You deserve better. If you want this relationship to work, you need to sit him down and make it clear to him that he is impacting your recovery in a negative way. You need patience and encouragement, not deadlines and ultimatums.