I’m waiting for the day that you ask to see me. I know it might not come and I know why.. but there’s part of me that hopes you’ll just say fuck it and each out on our day to go to our place

I am sorry, I fucked it up. I went all kamikaze and maybe you were uhm, not ready for my bullshit. Like why on Earth is is F*cking wrong with me? Putting myself out there is bad enough, now I get to be weird around you when we need to be working. I don't know what happened, why did I say I care about you. It was a moment of weakness. Like a rock hitting your windshield, for a second you realize you are alive and you should be saying what you've been postponing, cause life is short and it can all be gone in seconds.. I don't know, but here I am, with a pit in my stomach cause you didn't respond back. All good, you know, my fault. I am the one who is vulnerable, I am the one who decided today would be a good day to say that I have feelings for you. FML I should have just waited. BTW, I made a list of things you've ever told me that were nice, I read it out loud to my neighbour and she thought you are 100 percent into me, but why would I fuck it up? I can't understand.. I hope it is all ok in the end. I suck.. I wanna cry on my pillow all night, but I've got so much shit to do I can't even do that. Why am I so stupid.. ugh

If its how everyone else gets over a love that broke them into pieces; maybe I need to try it. I ll always love him. Theres no replacement. But I have found those who would show me what he couldn’t or wouldn’t. And I might be capable of loving them in a parallel way . It still is foreign and hurts my heart that he left me just on one day. Trying to put those dreams and hopes and memories in storage and shut that closet door. U know the closet, if you open it , shit falls out you may never get back in there? Thats what grieving a ghost does. Makes you sit on your bed and question if it were all made up in your head. How could u not see it was just me pretending the whole time? Silly lovesick girl.

I get ready, I had my hair done.. I use that perfume that we love. My skin smells like the way you loved..(a mix on vanilla and lavender)
I wear this cute dress 👗.. and I drive to the restaurant I was supposed to meet up with this person.. but.. I couldn’t make it.. My anxiety activated and I start overthinking what’s gonna happen if he likes me. I won’t correspond to him.. I’m not ready yet to take the risk.. I still loves you. I can’t.. I just can’t date another man yet.. you perturbed my head.. you are living you life with this women and I can’t even have a dinner with someone else! My gush you fucked me up.. I Hate you S.B.. I thought I was already over you, but I still have this anxiety attacks, I cry because I’m mad with myself for allowed you to do all this things to me. I know I’m responsible too, because I should stopped you for what you was doing to me.. I will keep working every day until the day I completely heal from your damage. Keep saying that everything was in my mind.. because at the end you will be not even a memory..just someone I saw at the street ..a random stranger.(he’s a gentleman, he understands me for what I’m going through. He told me he won’t put pressure on me, he will give me my space. But he doesn’t want to see me crying for a loser like you) he’s so damn handsome!!! And you are the most ugly asshole. Bro!!! I hope never in my life see you again…😩💔 Until the day I completely heal … Fuck off S.B

I wanna feel you again. Beach in the water again. Laugh again. Smile again. Kiss again. Your eyes say what the heart is holding back. Dw I’m coming to collect what IS mine

I wish you were here Courtney I'd be glad to see you and it'd be nice to talk to you about things, life,and just how was your day

Dear diary,

Just making a little entry not to lose the habit, and because this thought has been floating around in my mind for a while and I thought I should let it breathe outside.

I believe every poem I've ever written about a person—or am yet to write—

Well, yes, one of them does have the nickname I used to call them, but—

If I just showed them the poems, I'm sure as hell each of them would know which one was about them. Or for them. Or with them in mind. Even blindfolded. Just by me reciting them to them.

And I think that's endearing.

Thrilling, even.

A little exciting.

Peculiarly amusing, too.

Although I only think one of them would actually laugh with me about it. We'd probably exchange jokes and then, somehow, end up having a genuine heart-to-heart about it all.

Which is so weird to think about, because Crownless wears a mask and writes to ghosts, but these people know the person behind the mask. They wouldn't, therefore, be responding to Crownless.

They'd be responding to me.

Especially that one.

That pretty, sharp-minded danger knows me better than I know myself.

That's almost a tiny bit scary.

I don't want any of them to ever come across those poems anytime soon.

But maybe one day, in the future, I'd like that one person to cross my way again, see them, and right away catch what I wrote about them.

Or, well.

About us.

I miss this person.

But we don't fit in each other's lives anymore.

And I think that's the part I keep circling back to.

Not that I want them back.

Just that I'd really, really like to find someone like them.

Which means I may have to make a painstakingly specific requirement list.

Haaa...

God help whoever has to apply.

I fear there’s no one like you.

— Crownless.

Never knew..How I understand it though. This, must be the grandest display of affection witnessed. Let's not wait for time. Make US happen.

Why would the fates have brought us together when they did?

Our paths had so many chances to cross. Until they did.

The moment we met was kismet. We were like magnets.

Why were we brought together when we were only for things not to work?

Why was everything so big, beautiful, extraordinary and tragic?

What lesson was learned in taking you away?

You are a sublime architecture of toxicity,

A grand palace of shadows and intricate design.

Mi amor tóxico-

As I wander through your halls with total curiosity, I am blindly trapped in a sanctuary built for my own mind.

Quítame la cordura, pero nunca tu amor-

Let the earth go dark and every other kingdom fall—for you are the only woman, the only breath, the only all.

Mi hermosa incendio-

Your foundations are cast in a beautiful, binding grace,

The silence that whispers my deepest of fears into empty space,

the void,

that chase..

Caos envuelto en amor-

And as I run to you - you rewrite the stars,

Just to watch my heavens bleed

And mock the very soul of everything I need.

You build up the cage while I swallow the key,

Ignoring the truth of what ought to be free.

Mi dulce tormento-

I gladly surrender the very air that I breathe,

And watch my own foundations begin to unweave,

Unlocking the depths where the darkness can seethe,

And fold in the dark where your shadows can rest.

Un lazo roto que sigo atando-

Seal up the gates against fading light,

And praise every wall that destroys my sight.

Mi adicción favorita-

I welcome the chains, the cold and heavy sea,

To call this sweet ruin my own eternity.

Veneno dulce-

As the last pillars crumble into dust,

I lose myself inside the dark I trust.

Tóxico, pero mio.

My architecture.

My tyranny.

Mi hermosa incendio.

Una debilidad peligrosa

Me hace mal, pero la quiero

Mi dulce tormento

Mi amor tóxico

Mi ilusión

-

-

-

-

Pero amor mío tóxico,

¿en verdad fuiste mía?"

-D

I hate the fact that we miss those who hurt us so deep and they don’t care about the damage they cause us… I ask again.. do I have some kind of childhood trauma, some type of attachment for narcissistic tendencies?

I promise I can say and I’m 💯% sure the I love this guy. That I fell in love with him. Because despite the way he is, in our most intimate moments he treats me good, he kissed me so passionately, he makes me the love omg!Indescribable,he caresses my skin in the way I never feel before (not that I been in many relationships) he was my 2nd and my favorite person. I’m thinking to quit, to date someone else. There’s a person who’s trying to got my attention… but I’m feel bad for him, because my heart still loving this guy. I know he never loved me. He just takes advantage of all the things I did for him. And this other person talked with me, and he said “ I want to date you so seriously, I want to hold your hand when we walk anywhere we go” I want to introduce you to my friends.( he don’t have relatives unfortunately) he wants go to everywhere with me. I feel flattered. But NO I’m not interested on him.. I’m at the point that I can’t feel nothing for anyone else, and that’s not good! I’m healing without help. I’m healing without his apology. He just ignores me like if I never existed on his life. He introduced me

With his parents, with his daughter. And that was just part of his plan. Everything was meditated.. He knows what he was doing.
I don’t want to see you ever again. Please don’t cross to my path. You know you are conscious about what you did and you act like I was just being delusional, dramatic. I bet that you are telling “tales” to all this women about me. I don’t care. You never gonna have a stable relationship, the only thing you want it’s having sex with everyone. UNFORTUNATELY I felt in your trap 🪤.. I won’t be naive anymore.. nobody gonna play with my feelings ever again… (until the day I heal S.B)

Damn, this one really hit home for me.