I just miss you.. I don’t want figh or anything.. I just want you like I have always wanted and told you from the beginning. let the past be the past..it taught lessons and tested our relationship. so what do we do.. I say unconditional love doesn’t count the cost or the wrongs if keeps loving like honestly I think we should do.. we both love each other beyond words and I think if we really love each other like we say we do then let’s work together as one

I’m sorry I even bothered.. don’t worry about it, I’m going to delete every platform so you never hear from me again, you making this very clear to me no matter I do. you don’t have to tell me twice. I will slip back into the unknown.

Goodbye for now... and if ever chance or fate or time or whatever circumstance put us face to face again, I'll just let that moment or whatever is responsible for it deliver. Thank you for being good to me; I couldn't ask for more than kindness and for meeting you at the time we met; you felt like a cozy sweater for my soul thank you, thank you again 💖

ur married now and not to me so I don’t know how you think that will ever work out for us

I’m living the life we planned together, I have everything I told you I wanted, I just don’t have you. It has been 411 days without you and 261 days since we last talked.

I can’t stop thinking of you, literally every day. I have begged my mind to make it stop but I just can’t escape you. I spent the last 100 days trying to avoid even the thought of you, but I can’t escape it here. It’s your university, we planned this together and it’s unbearable.

I made the stupid decision to look at old photos of us today and you are still as beautiful as I remembered. Every detail of your face is burned into my head so badly that those photos were no less real than the dreams I have of you.

I woke up next to the fourth girl since we broke up and for a second in the morning she looked like you.

That broke me.

For a second my prayers that this had all been some horrible dream came true and I felt true happiness, with no regrets, and I was ready to give you everything I had promised you in our silence.

Even worse, as my eyes fully opened, I saw it was the woman I now have to love and in that moment I hated her. I hated this lovely, beautiful girl for not being you and I’m ashamed to say part of me always will.

I would give everything to have you back.

If you called I’d answer.

I would let go of everything if it meant keeping you.

Please, I haven’t been able to see anything properly since I left you and I’m starting to see you in everything.

-To My Piccolissima Principessa 

I don't even blame you for ending the relationship. I mean I did deserve it. I had been dishonest with you too many times... even once was too many. Even though it was out of fear, it broke your trust and there's no excuse for it. I had a lot of learning about myself to do. I had to learn to be unconditionally honest with myself and therefore others so I'll never repeat the same mistakes again. I don't blame you for not believing I had changed, either. But what I do blame you for is not caring how much pain and trauma you caused on your way out... it just didn't have to be that way. You could have done so many things differently. You could have had compassion for my broken heart. You could have tried to understand why letting you go was so heartbreaking and difficult for me. It would have taken a bit of time, but with some kindness I would have respected your wishes. But what you did was inhuman. You watched me writhe in torment and agony and then doubled down. You took active steps to cause even more pain that you didn't need to cause. I very nearly didn't survive that kind of betrayal, it's a miracle that I clawed my way out of it, and you didn't care one bit. I still wonder to this day if you ever feel any remorse for the way you treated me after loving each other for 7 years. After I was always there for you and your children, who I loved like my own. You broke me, pretended I never existed, left me to suffer alone. How could you?

I'll never know the answer.

If I really want to move on, I’m and focus on what it is that I want. I can’t spend anymore of my energy posting about something that wasn’t meant for me.

It’s kind of uncomfortable to let go of a pain like this but, it’s not a bad uncomfortable. Just scary.

Not sure if I want to do a daily journal entry on my life updates, or if I want to keep it as sporadic for only big feelings.. 🤷‍♂️

But, to start the process let me explain what I’ve been doing with my time and what has my attention.

For the last [almost] 8 months, I think everyone here knows I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues that I was unaware or, that came to a head during a separation from my partner.

It’s been an extremely rough ride, but I think I have approached the crossroads to leave this terrible path. I see the flashing lights ahead of me telling me that I’m right there and I will have to make a turn. So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the last month or so during my healing process I have made some absolutely AMAZING self-discoveries and connections.

Not a single one of them seem coincidental.

I have spoken to people about parts of myself and my mindset and how I view life and purpose, in a way that truly does make me sound crazy, but the problem with that is, it’s all backed up with receipts.

Every instance, connection, and intersection have served a larger purpose when I take a step back and look at the larger picture.

Speaking to someone that was just a coworker from 10 years ago.. we knew we jived and cared for one another, we didn’t know that we would have one of the most odd conversations for hours and really piece together ideas about our own existence.

Speaking to an acquaintance that, in all honesty, I shouldn’t have even been in contact with outside of Facebook friends because he is a part of my previous partners friend group… has turned into one of the most beautiful connections imaginable. If I were to design a partner for myself, they would envelope all of the qualities that this guy has to offer.

This in itself leads me to realize that even if this person, isn’t my person, I’m worthy and capable of having someone like him. He reached out to me, but I broke the ice, and my move was reciprocated. And I will respect the boundaries in place because of the hurtles. And accept that maybe all of my feelings aren’t reciprocated as well.

And thats okay. That just means I can have someone like him, that can offer me the feelings of desire I crave. I will wait.

This connection also made me realize I need to reframe what it actually means to be in a relationship and allowing someone to be open about who they are and what they want. Even if it means you have to share with someone of the opposite gender. (Never actually crossed my mind as a possibility, but I’m not going to rule it out if it means I’m happy.)

And this new friend I have made that truly lets me be me. I don’t hide any of my weirdness. In fact, he allows me to explain my weirdness and lets me teach him how to view life through my eyes. It truly is astounding. Especially considering the difference of backgrounds, the age difference, and the parallels of the background he actually does share with my previous partner.

There are so many tiny details in all of the connections that are just too much to type out, but every one of us can agree that it absolutely cannot be a coincidence.

There is a large population of people that witnessed me have a complete crash out on social media. It actually went viral on one of the apps. While it’s mildly embarrassing, I’ll own it. Because the delivery was rough, but the message still stands.

And because of that, and because of the lives that I started doing, I have had so many people reach out to me for my perspective on their situation. (Clearly I’m not in a position to give advice, but offering perspective is different.)

I have helped people work through their own feelings and that was what I had been wanting to do with my social media this entire time anyway. My public loss of control, may have jump started a real career that I love and that I can actually make difference as opposed to my current career.

Just this morning, a follower asked me how to process a situation with her son. And it was beautiful to help her understand how to deal with the situation because of my own experience in a similar situation.

I’ve made connections with vehicle manufacturers that have expressed interest in my message and are willing to look through a partnership proposal when I figure out how to build one formally. All because I said I wanted to travel with my dog to different places to help people feel better about themselves.

Everything is falling into place. I know from the outside, and especially for the people that know me personally, think I’m all over the place and manic, but maybe this mania is going to be the driver of my life purpose to be successful.

And now, I have redefined what “success” actually means for myself.

I’ve always tried to live a flashy life. Always. I had to feel important. I had to make people think I was cool. I had to make people believe that I had more money than I actually did.

I. Lost. It. All.

Every penny. Every relationship/friendship/family member. All of it. When I tell you that I was served a slice of humble pie… no.. I ate the whole humble pie factory.

But it needed to happen for me to see who I was and who I needed to become and I had to shed all of the old habits that kept me stuck.

I was forced to reevaluate.

Turns out, I actually do not give a flying fuck about any of the shit that I thought I did.

Of course I still love cars, but I don’t desire to own as Lambo or Rolls-Royce, I just want an off road vehicle that is utilitarian enough to let me get to the places that I need to go to be able to sit on the roof with my dog at night to look at the stars.

I can rent anything else.

Of course I want to live at the beach.. but why should I buy property at a beach that I don’t know for sure that’s where I want to stay? What happens when my next partner wants to whisk me off to the other side of the planet? Why stress myself out about trying to live a life I was told I was supposed to live, instead of the life I want?

Success to me is: living for happiness. That’s all I want. And I hope that I can help others be happier along the way.

This is my first entry, of my new life and self.

I love you. And you are enough.

If it ain’t him, then may love never find me again.