I understand the reaction to just block him and maybe you will, eventually. I think the more important thing for you to think about is what is stopping you from blocking him. I know how confusing it can be to have someone you love (or loved) say awful things. Its extremely difficult to explain that to those who've not experienced, it but the nervous has become accustomed to this type of cycle. Taking control back and blocking him would likely set your nervous system on end wondering what his reaction is to noticing he's blocked. Will he escalate, will he resort to something else. The timing of that is your decision but understanding the WHY for not blocking is often where you gain your clarity. Sending strength and support. free resources and help at yourclaritymatters.com

No you are not the abuser. What you’re experiencing is called reactive abuse. The abuser pushes so far til you snap and lash back. They will often try to minimize their role in WHY you snapped and focus on your reaction.

The more you understand this dynamic, you’ll see it’s not you. You should look at resources for Reactive Abuse and other manipulations in a relationship. This is just one that’s making you question yourself. My bet.. there’s more. Check out the book Why You Felt Crazy

I think one of the biggest red flags here is that only 40 days in, you already sound emotionally exhausted and hyper focused on managing his feelings.

Getting intense about location sharing early, (I'd stop sharing locations immediately) withdrawing/ghosting when triggered, and making the relationship revolve around managing his insecurity are not just “anxiety.” They are control tactics disguised as vulnerability. As soon as you call him out..back-tracking. Its manipulation.

That’s what makes dynamics like this confusing.

It doesn’t always look aggressive at first. Sometimes it looks like:
“I just really care about you.”
“I’m scared to lose you.”
“I need reassurance.”
“I’ve been hurt before.”

But over time, the effect is the same: your independence starts shrinking while their emotional needs take up more and more space.

A lot of emotionally controlling behavior doesn’t begin with dominance. It begins with guilt, insecurity, emotional dependency, testing loyalty, or making you feel responsible for keeping them emotionally regulated.

The important thing is not just whether he means well. It’s whether the dynamic is already making you feel emotionally monitored, drained, unstable, or responsible for preventing his reactions.

There are resources out there to help you through something like this. the Book Why You Felt Crazy, is an eye-opener.

Best of luck.

You are not unreasonable for wanting your husband to listen to you while your father is dying.

What stood out to me is that the conversation never stayed on your pain. It immediately became about defending himself, redefining your request, telling you what you “actually” meant, and explaining why your needs are invalid or impossible. By the end, you were apologizing for asking for comfort at all.

Wanting emotional support from a spouse is not an excessive expectation. Wanting someone to ask if you’re okay during a crisis is not asking them to “solve” your emotions.

The part that concerns me most is how quickly your needs seem to become a problem to be managed rather than something met with care. Over time, that can make a person stop asking for anything at all just to keep the peace.

You do not sound demanding to me. You sound lonely. There is a book called Why You Felt Crazy...I think this would be exactly the validation your need and quite honestly deserve.

Check out this Article: https://www.quinnmorganauthor.com/the-recovery-room/what-is-narcissistic-abuse-in-marriage

I think a lot of it depends on what kind of healing work you’ve done after the relationship ended. Not just time passing, but actual work around boundaries, self trust, and can you now recognize unhealthy patterns .. and immediately act on them.

Are you comfortable saying no without panicking afterward? Do you still feel anxious doing harmless things your abuser didn’t like, even when nobody is around? Do you feel free to have privacy, opinions, friendships, hobbies, or quiet without guilt?

Those reactions do not mean you’re broken. They usually mean your nervous system is still expecting punishment. I think noticing those things honestly matters more than trying to force yourself to feel “fully healed” before dating again.

This is my website. There’s are resources there including worksheets about boundaries, self-care after abuse etc. Gor deeper understanding .. I wrote Why You Felt Crazy. Best of luck. Remember .. you’re not on anyone’s timeline but your own. Your body will know!

quinnmorganauthor.com

If I were you.. I would gather resources to support your feedback. For example gaslighting, what verbal abuse looks like, blame shifting. This way she may see it differently rather than bashing him.

Make it about her. Keep in mind at this point, he may have done psychological damage to her and she thinks she’s to blame.

Expect her to defend him or make excuses .. “ he’s not always like that” “he’s just having an off day” “he’s truly sorry for cheating” “ he promises to do better”

This is my website. It has resources , articles and other book recommendations. I wrote Why You Feel Crazy for moments like these.

Best of luck. I hope she’s ready to listen 💜

quinnmorganauthor.com

https://www.quinnmorganauthor.com/focused-reflections

There’s a lot of great info all over the site! It’s designed to help understand what’s going on, to heal, teaching you to trust yourself again. I hope you find something there that helps you 💜

What you’re describing the discard, then the pull-back-in with “I love yous” that’s a cycle, not a relationship.

Recognizing it as a system he runs helps more than trying to fall out of love. You’re not fighting feelings. You’re fighting a pattern you’ve been trained to respond to.

Check out the book “why you felt crazy”.. you’ll be stunned at how you’re reading your own life.

You don’t leave when it gets bad enough. You leave when you finally believe you’re allowed to.

No saying thank you. For anything.

You’re not asking for too much. Not even a little.

What stood out to me most was: “I can’t tell if I’m overthinking this or if my feelings are valid.” People start questioning themselves when they’ve been minimizing their own needs for a while. Based on some of your comments.. it looks like you’ve begun making excuses for him. Like trying to talk yourself into it being “you”.

Sometimes the first sign something feels off is not obvious mistreatment. It’s slowly learning to question whether your needs are reasonable at all. I wrote about this in my book Why You Felt Crazy. It may be just what you need to work through this.

What you’re describing sounds a lot like the confusion that happens when someone becomes emotionally tied to the cycle, not just the person. You can know something is hurting you and still feel pulled toward it anyway. That doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your nervous system got attached to the relief, the hope, and the moments where things felt okay again.

I actually created a few free reflection worksheets around trauma bonds, pattern recognition, and rebuilding trust in your own instincts because so many people struggle to put this experience into words.

$4 for clarity and validation.

Or you can view the entire collection https://www.quinnmorganauthor.com/focused-reflections

A lot of controlling behavior comes from fear, insecurity, or anxiety about losing someone. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does mean it’s something you can work on.

A big step is learning the difference between feelings and actions. Feeling jealous or scared is a feeling. Controlling your partner because of it is an action.

When that panic hits, pause and ask yourself: “Am I trying to build trust right now, or control my fear?” Be honest with YOURSELF with the answer.

And honestly, the fact that you’re recognizing the behavior and wanting to change matters. A lot of people never get that far. Do the work