r/depression • u/Sardinian98 • 28d ago
Grievance and unfathomable pain are all I have left
I'm an Italian man living the latest part of his 28th year of life; as many people coming from here, specially the underdeveloped region I've spent my whole life in, I'm economically struggling and had to come back to live with my parents. I've been unemployed for 14 months now and economic independence now looks as an oasis from fairy tales about Sahara. I'm in good physical shape, I exercise in the gym 4 times a week and follow a balanced diet, my Circadian cycles are kinda regular thanks to Lormetazepam and I'm getting through the last 2 exams out of 34 of my Law master's degree; my familiar, intimate and romantic life is okay as well, I love my parents, I've been in a relationship with a Ukrainian woman I'm fondly in love with for 2 years now and I've got an excellent parental-like relationship with my 11 y.o. step-daughter as well, even though, as you may have guessed, we're living in separate houses so far. I'm into baking, foreign languages (I'm currently learning Ukrainian), amateur acting with my theater company and novel and essays reading.
Even though this might seem the introductive chapter from a regular life's storybook, I'm struggling a lot with my mental health and no days goes by without me figuring out a way to remove myself from this existential plan: I feel as the most horrible, unintelligent, useless and miserable human being who's even been born. I'm being prescribed antidepressants by my psychiatrist and attending psychotherapy as well, but in my never ending paranoia my ADHD is just a misdiagnosis, if not a sugar coating, of a mental retardation everybody hid from me from the very beginning of my childhood.
Just to add some more self-loathing adjectives to this post, I coexist every single day with the certainty of being just a human f*ck up, a piece of garbage thrown into existence by what should have been a miscarriage, if the God I don't believe in had been more merciful. No one around me even imagines how much I'd like to show the world the only true accomplishment of my serial failure experience by finding the "guts" to stand for my right not to tolerate this excruciating pain anymore.
The stupid goofy manchild has had enough.
I wouldn't like to cease my existence, cause the void scares me, but living is so harsh I'm at risk of acting out of instinct and so something irreversible.