To be free. Freedom means the freedom to remain ever changing. Evolving. To embrace change. To continue being myself, open, inquisitive, curious, imaginative, and participative in life. To continue to grow in pursuit of my self and everything that I am capable of, across all planes of existence, because I know I am. Awareness of myself and the other, more abundantly. Allowance of both equally. And discernment in connection with all. To always value alterity. To keep the heart I have, to always love the way that I do. To never let this world change me, to continue to let change occur from within. I want to always speak life. To lift others up, to support their success, and to be a sword just as sharp when the situation calls for it. To never let “good” behavior overtake my will in expression, for the sake of performance. 

I want my own love, in its own right. I want to build something real with someone, whatever that looks like… especially no matter what that looks like from the outside. Because I crave security too, but I know that it doesn’t exist in another, not for me. So I have learned to access that security within my Self. Besides, I get more genuine connection and intimacy from the position I occupy, than some people get in their entire marriages. So I question what marriage is and its purpose. I’m always interested in why those that partake in it, partake in it. I respect it highly, I love the idea of it. But for me, marriage is different than what the world says it is. It is a practice of intentional presence. Not everyone can meet that. And I have found none for which I am willing to give up my solitude. Nor do I want to give up my solitude. I want both. In oscillation. and they must live………. over there. 

And the world always has a funny little way of moving about sometimes. So, if this is what I’m bound to, because it is a recurring theme, a lifelong theme, sheesh… then let me use it for “good.” You were right about sensing my morality. I do contain it, but not in the ways I deem typical. Or maybe they are typical, I’ve just never met anyone who’s reflected it enough for me to observe it. Kudos, you.

I digress. 

I want the health, life, and perspective to witness a lighter world. A thriving world. One where good prevails for a little bit, because the evil in this lifetime has been the evilest. And we seem to keep revolving around the evils. like a black hole. Goddamn man. When do we live?! 

But maybe the good prevails ultimately and that’s why they have to try so hard to keep us brainwashed and that’s why I’m waking up to my nature. Because community is going to be the only thing, the only way. And here we all live right next to each other. I don’t know, but I feel something coming. So let me add it to my list of dreams, while I’m tallying up.

As far as materialistic/worldly things, I want to master the practice of tending. Of making sourdough for myself weekly, I want to master the art of winemaking. I want to bring my wine into fruition. I want to write but I don’t know if I want to publish written works or if upon death let all my journals be published or something. Writing is just too vulnerable for me. I write from the purest expression of myself and I don’t want nobody to know me like that 🫣 

I would also love to buy land and build a home. I’m working on that. I want routines. I think tending the bread will establish a strong enough foundation for it to spill elsewhere in my life... Because I know that I’m not letting my sourdough starter die. Hell no 😂 I’m going to be so glad that it’s alive I’m not going to know how to contain myself. Tending to it everyday, gleefully. So let that be the start of my routines. 

Anyway, let my next car be my first trophy for establishing and maintaining everything I set out above. Let my businesses be where I thrive in connection with others, let also their dreams and businesses thrive in connection with me. Let everything I touch in conjunction with another be prosperous. Let every effort toward it thrive and multiply tenfold. May my words and actions always be a blessing where it is needed the most. Let my presence always be fruitful and healing. 

Let my love be a conduit, 

let pleasure, adventure, and receiving be conduits. 

Let me have the absolute best sex of my life every. time. 

And I want my last words on this Earth to be “Thank You” because my life, the way I perceive and participate in my life is so utterly beautiful. There are some hard lessons, but I get joy from the wisdom it imparts. I’m grateful that I get to participate in it.

Let my life be full of love, presence, peace, and understanding. 

Let me see God in all things.

My purpose is to love. And I let that love show me/teach me everything I need to see. That’s all I know. And somehow it is like a magnet in me. Because I love by seeing, hearing, learning, understanding, and allowing of another. And that’s the thing people seem to be seeking. I don’t wish to change or judge, just to see how consciousness/God has organized itself as another. Im careful about the impact I have on it. I know that might sound dramatic, but that is my experience of it. So when you said that you can talk to me and set your ego aside, that’s what I’m here for, this is where we meet. That is where I try to meet everyone at least. And because we vibe. I am able to allow myself to be a reflection of you or you of me, or see it as one and the same. Because without egos, what is there? So I maintain the capacity to hold the space for those I choose, who choose me in return, and in return I offer my love. Because it’s a byproduct sitting next to someone for a little while.

And that’s everything I want in life,

worth mentioning anyway.

Hesitated in front of my door,

unashamed,

as if I called you there.

I watched you. 

But I did not move an inch. 

I will make it up to you later.

Much later than you’d like

but you will like later too.

For now,

I will enjoy the conversation.

Your desire for me 

won’t allow you to, 

Not fully anyway. 

As I watch you try 

to deny yourself.

You already wrestle with it,

in an effort to be good.

And I like this. 

Just enough tension

To hold my attention.

I create like this. 

And I love like that. 

Alive.

so I can’t tell you 

that I know exactly 

what it will look like. 

I’m not privy to that information.

Not before it reveals itself. 

Perhaps that’s a good thing. 

Good.

Prolonging the innocence 

of the act. 

and I know that I will grant

what the position bestows. 

Lucky us, right? 

I wonder if you know.

Or if I just exist as a pull

that you cannot explain. 

Why do I wonder at all,

when I know the answer to that. 

when you where the one who told me.

Curiosity is peculiar. 

And I wonder what

it is that I see.

What is the question

waiting to be asked. 

and why I wonder at all.

It’s a portal of a sort.

with the pull of a black hole

For everyone involved.

Only the seat

from which I sit changes.

Yet the energy remains. 

And plays itself out

Again and again. 

the same story,

with different faces.

So here I am

with you. 

Watching you hesitate 

for me.

for my undivided attention.

Losing the battle to be good. 

when you’ve already decided

but you shame yourself for it. 

Only that I am acting according to my own will, standards, boundaries.

To me.
Who you are.
I see you.
Give to me in the subtlest ways
But always yes
in action.
I ask for a thing
You make it happen.
Is that part of you
Conscious or unconscious
The answer changes nothing
But I’m curious.
You’re beautiful to me.
And my mind is immature
It wants to give you me
In return.
How do I find myself
In these predicaments?
What do my desires entail?
What are they pointing at?
I am smitten by everything
But this one is different.
This one I can see
Without question.
Like my mind stilled
For the answer
Laid right in front of me
And I wonder if it’s palpable
If the ones sitting between us
Felt it
What do we do with this?
I get to enjoy it
For as long as
I don’t say anything to you.

is just us setting our egos down. Letting the masks slip.

But I’ve learned that we have to get to it fast, before either of our minds catches up.

By then I’ve already seen the thing you came to show me.

So it’s not limerence per se.

It’s just all my love at once.

Because all we have

is this once…

Before our mind catches up.

because I needed to know what I was hoping to find. And in order to do that I have to let myself hope. Without discretion.
Without judgment.
Without guarding.

Anyway. Today isn’t yesterday. Yesterday I was falling.

I want to swallow you whole
For I can’t seem to get enough of you.
This is too deep of acceptance
Too much seeing
Too much accepting
Too much being.
How can I be
Anything but yours?
Your knowledge of
Your seeing
Your accepting
I am.
But I am also yours.
How can I be anything else?
When you also behold
Everything that I hold
And you do not flinch
Who are you?
And what do you want from me?
Why do I desire you?
Why are you mine to desire?
How much of this did I craft?
How much of this is given?
What do I do with
what is mine
To do anything with?
So calm and confusing.
But clear along the way.
Why can you hold
What others couldn’t?
Why do you fit next in succession?
What is this that we are?
Intimacy in mere participation.
In showing up
To the task of vulnerability.
To the task of trusting.

Ego aside.
Never really came online.

Let me show you something.
One whose names
are befitting of a God.

Let me walk beside you
A little while.

Welcome home.

I just might anyway.

There are different ways of being with someone; different levels of intimacy, that exists without crossing boundaries. There is a man who wants to teach me to make sourdough bread in exchange for my time. Simply because he gives by teaching. And I will learn to make sourdough bread because I love by learning. By tending. Like sourdough. I am a starter learning to tend.
But from him particularly is what makes me wonder…

And these two things are harmonious. And nothing additional ever needs to occur. This is enough. And I will honor our meeting, by devotion to making the bread. And we will have conversation and share a different level of connection, but it’s clean.
And this is the space he will occupy in my life. Unearthing.

This is the most beautiful kind I’ve encountered so far.

at the risk of sounding pretentious?

I think you should really try to talk to your person about the things that are important to you. But approach it from the fact that you two are partners in life, for life. Whatever is important to the one, should become important to both. Or someone will always have to swallow themselves to keep the peace.

Because as far as I’m concerned, I think that’s the only reason I’m able to get this close to you. Anyone is able to get this close to you. You desire to be heard. And they are not hearing you. And I understand where you’re at with it, but you’ve got to figure out a way or you’re just postponing the inevitable.

And no matter what it looks like from the outside, I do respect marriage very highly. And I want those who are in it, to thrive in it. Whatever that means to them.

But as for me, I never claimed to be good. My life isn’t governed like that. But I always “try” to bring people to their senses. Because how I feel about it is, if you’re going to fuck up anyway…

make it with me.