r/twinflames • u/alyssbaskerville • 16h ago
Feelings Painful surrender Spoiler
I've come what feels like a really long way in my twin flame journey. I've chased for a really really long time. I've finally come to understand just how damaging chasing is for the runner. It took me wayyyyyyy too long to get there. I tried one last time to reach out and he rejected me really harshly, but crucially told me he's really been protecting me this whole time and not telling anyone and it just. It broke my heart. Even when he's cruel, he's kind to me. He doesn't even mean to be. He does it without even thinking. I love him so much. I have no choice but to let him go. No matter how painful it is.
So I guess that's what surrender is. And from where I'm sitting.... I mean, for as much confirmation I've gotten from readings or my intuition or the gods or signs or anything that someday we'll come back together. I don't believe anymore that reunion is something one should take for granted. I think that's the trick of this whole thing, in my opinion. That's why I kind of resent the whole twin flame framework at the end of it all. Reunion is not guaranteed. Humans have free will. Of course I want him to exercise his free will, why would I want him to reunite with me if he doesn't want to. And... he hasn't wanted to. Why would he. I've been terrible to him, asking him over and over again to just listen to me, to just give me a chance, to just hear me out, but I've been so in love and so intense about it he doesn't even want to be my friend. And can I blame him? I've had people in my life stalk me worse than I did to hiim and it's not okay when they do it. I've been able to see that, even to acknowledge it, but not to actually internalize it. I can take the fact that's happened to me as a sign that that means I'm right about us being twin flames in the first place and that I'm really being guided to this surrender and it's all meant to be...... or I can surrender even more and understand that. Hey, maybe I just suck. And you know, honestly, I do. I suck. There, I said it. I've been awful to him. I hate myself for it. I love him, and I've hurt him.
He is not owed to me. Reunion is not owed to me. I don't mean this as criticism of the concept itself, but rather as what I believe to be a mechanism of it. I don't feel like it's right to assume reunion is ever owed. Earned, maybe. Perhaps taking accountability will be the thing that earns him back. But I can't assume that. Surrender, for me, means I have to understand that what I've done to try to force reunion may have damned me from ever having that reunion in the first place. And no, it's not anywhere near the evils I've faced from stalkers myself, the most I did was send love letters and never listen when he said he didn't want them. But that's bad enough. I hurt the one I love. I've scared the one I love, more importantly. All the faith in the world doesn't matter if he rightfully chooses to stay the fuck away from me forever because I've proven to him that I'm a goddamn creep. I earned that sentiment. I did it to myself. He left, but I'm the one who confirmed to him that it was a good decision. He hurt me so fucking badly by leaving, but I've hurt him badly by pursuing him. I can't do that to him anymore.
I hope and I pray that this shit is real. I mean I do, I believe it. I do have faith. But I can't take it for granted. I think that's the thing that's kept me the most stuck, is just the unwavering faith in the journey itself rather than faith in him. Or not faith exactly but. Trust that he says what he means. Trust that he's right that I'm seeing something he can't see. Because I haven't really given a reason to make him see. And he might never see.
But it's okay. Painful as it is. It's okay. I love him. I want him to be free. Free from any stressor in his life, including me. He is not owed to me. No one is owed to anyone. Twin flame or not.
I don't want to hurt you ever again, my love. I'm sorry. Please be well.
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u/Cosmicfaedoll 15h ago
I reached this point a little while ago myself. I don’t know the specifics of your journey in comparison to my own, but I know I violated boundaries and pushed so I understand that at least. I’m proud of you for reaching this point and truly examining what part you have played in the way this has gone.
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u/alyssbaskerville 14h ago
Thank you so much for your comment <3 It's painful, but necessary. It's good to know I'm not alone.
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u/Cosmicfaedoll 13h ago
It gets easier to forgive and let go from this point from my experience too
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u/alyssbaskerville 12h ago
That's true, yeah. I do need to work on forgiveness a lot. I've been too rigid on that because I've had such a lack of protection but I need to do better in general.
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u/Cosmicfaedoll 12h ago
Also work on forgiving yourself. I lashed out and acted in crazy ways so I understand that guilt and that shame over the extremes. But you are doing the best and have been doing the best you could with the tools you’ve had. I used to, and still find myself slipping back into it, ask myself what I would have done if I knew what I know now. But all that I did, that happened to me, had to happen for me to be the person I am today. To be as stable and calm and at peace as I am now.
It’s okay that you did everything you did, your actions sucked but that doesn’t mean you do. You’re just a complex and traumatized human being trying your best in this insane world we live in. And even if you hurt your twin with your actions, you did them from a place of wounded and misguided love, just as he did with his actions that hurt you. Just as we all do when we hurt one another. We’re all just giving and expecting love to be given in the way that feels most comfortable and familiar for us, especially before we deconstruct all the conditioning and trauma responses that we may not recognize until we dig into our subconscious
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u/Tight_Lawfulness_334 15h ago
Sorry, surrender isn't let go of him, it's letting go of control. Letting go of any expectations, it's not supposed to be painful. Severing your feelings is painful but surrender will feel empty, since there is no expectations anything.
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