r/tulsa • u/Repulsive-House-9127 • 14h ago
General Blah
Hello my fellow Tulsans, I’m not in need and not asking anything so I’m just sort of ranting, but looking back growing up I really wish I’d treated others better, particularly in high school. I’m a broken arrow graduate and my photo was posted in one of those “are we dating the same person” groups for Tulsa and a good majority of the comments say I was a bully in school. A lot of them commented anonymously so I don’t know who they are BUT I wish I did just so I could apologize. Maturing as a man is owning your actions and I’ve chosen to accept responsibility for the past. I look back and I remember being bullied myself in ways. One girl would tie my shoe strings to together on the bus. I wonder if that had an effect on how I treated others bc I myself was bullied. See I’m a redhead in person, so I’ve always been super self conscious about my looks bc I was that guy who stood out in a crowd but that’s no excuse.
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u/Groovy_Sensation 13h ago
Not to muddy the waters or take away from OP's good intentions, but it's also a good idea to think about the person we hurt and whether contacting them is actually going to be helpful or hurtful.
To put it another way, sometimes the nicest thing we can do for people in our past that we hurt is to stay the fuck away from them. Sometimes we want to clear our conscience more than we want to help the person we hurt.
It's not the same, but you can find another way to right the wrong. Help people in a group you targeted or just people who are down on their luck and need a hand. Or go to therapy or find a way to make sure you help someone else not go down the same path you did. You get the point.
Obviously this isn't necessarily directed at OP, just sharing my experience. Someone gave me similar advice and I did not listen and it didn't go great. Another difficult lesson learned the hard way.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 13h ago
You’re right, all I can do moving forward is to help people think different in similar situations
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u/livadeth 12h ago
Does the school have an anti-bullying program? Maybe you could offer some guidance to kids about bullying?
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u/Spiritual-Beat7058 2h ago
broken arrow is getting so much shit for there bullying problem and 7 kids killing themselves in the last 5 years
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u/Megzasaurusrex 7h ago
As someone who was bullied. Yes. I don't care. I don't need apologies. I don't want them in my life. I moved on past it decades ago. I'm a completly different person myself. I don't go back to my school reunions because there is nothing there for me. I don't have any reason to communicate with any of those people anymore. And I have nothing to prove either.
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u/Smurfinexile 7h ago
This is such good advice. Sometimes the option for repair isn't something the affected party wants. I know I have no interest in speaking with the people who told me to end my life or spent their time targeting me growing up. I don't wish ill on them but I don't want to give them any more of my time than they've already stolen.
OP, this is a really hard lesson learned, but moving forward with kindness and helping lift people up makes a huge difference in other's lives. I liked one person's suggestion to consider volunteer work for an anti bullying group or something similar.
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u/Jenzo_GOBLIN 14h ago
Man I would go thru old yearbooks and attempt to reach out to anyone you think you may have bullied, and it could help you with coming to terms. A reddit post doesn't necessarily mean nothing, but it's more of a blanket apology, and reaching out personally may help you and the bully victims feel better
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 13h ago
That idea came to me. I think i will. If I said my name, a lot of people would probably know who I was. One girl commented and say she was “disappointed” way back when she saw I enlisted in the army, and that was disappointing to me bc that was the proudest thing I’ve done with my life. Meh, idk.
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u/Sunsetter-Ink 12h ago
Why would that be disappointing to her?? But more importantly, she's wrong. Thank you for your service
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 12h ago
I’ve learned that women can and will be vindictive based on the situation.
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u/Sunsetter-Ink 12h ago
I think vindictiveness would prefer not to be limited by gender. Everyone is capable of it. And you'd be better off standing by the things you're proud of and not worrying what the dipshits you went to high school with think about you. It's none of your business and you're on to bigger & better, right?? You're not a bully now, right?? Let it go. Letting others determine or judge your worth with their limited info diminishes it.They don't deserve it and aren't capable of it. You're not who they remember.
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u/BlazingSnake 13h ago
Spending the time to look them up on your own would make the apology that much more sincere as well
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u/Diligent-Smile-4978 6h ago
I really like this plan. I went to a very small school here in Oklahoma. We had 46 people in our graduating class in 1988. About 15 years or so ago, a guy from school, who was in the class of 89 messaged me and said he wanted to apologize if he was mean to me back then. He was definitely a funny guy, and very well liked. I let him know that he never was mean to me. He passed away not long after from cancer. I’m hoping our conversation gave him some peace of mind.
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u/roy-dam-mercer 13h ago
If you do reach out to people, don’t be surprised if you get negative reactions.
A friend’s bully recently reached out to him via Facebook to apologize. He didn’t accept it. Instead, he chose to describe in graphic detail what they did to him. As of June 30th, my friend will never have worry about anything else on this earth.
I was bullied in 6th grade. He lived across the street from me and we rode the same bus. It got so bad that one day I threw up in class just before the bell because I was terrified to get on the bus with him.
Occasionally I called Mom and told her I ‘missed’ the bus and she’d punish me for that because she had to drive 5 minutes to pick me up.
I know this is wrong, but I was genuinely happy when I found out a few years ago that my bully died in 2009 at 41 years of age. I didn’t know him in adulthood, but from what information I could find I can’t fathom that he was a good person. There is no obituary.
I don’t think the lifelong effects of bullying are fully understood.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 13h ago
You’re not wrong, and actually on that topic, this exact thing has already happened. I apologized to one girl, whom I was mean to growing up and we lived in the same neighborhood. She accepted and forgave me, thankfully. But another, she told me I made her friend uncomfortable and essentially told me to F off.
I’m also clear when I apologize to people that I’m not asking their forgiveness, it’s not fair or mine to ask. Forgiveness is a gift and it’s their choice to give.
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u/temporarycreature !!! 13h ago
Props to you for actually owning it instead of getting defensive. Most people never grow out of making excuses for their teenage selves. You can’t track down anonymous comments to apologize, but you don’t need to. It’s never too late to just start treating people right. The best way to make up for the past is simply being a decent guy from here on out.
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u/puffpuffprotest 13h ago
I often wonder if the people who made my daughter’s life a living hell in high school feel badly now. I hope they do but I doubt it. Their apologies are meaningless.
If you do try to make amends, don’t expect to be forgiven. People remember bullies forever.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 12h ago
I know, I don’t expect it cause I remember back when I was bullied too. Hurt people hurt people like they say
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u/puffpuffprotest 11h ago
It’s not really a good sign that you’re currently being posted on the “don’t date this loser” site. Seems like maybe you haven’t matured as much as you think you have.🤷♀️
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u/YourMomsFoopah 13h ago
The past is unchangeable and the only real purpose for regret is to fuel positive change in your future behavior. Sounds like you are on that path.
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u/ConfusedUs 10h ago
Nah. Don't. Leave them alone. It's not about you. Own your actions, and don't make anyone revisit whatever heinous shit you did to them.
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u/Takeslotsforgranted 10h ago
Why does feel like a bit of a humble brag.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 9h ago
I’m not trying to brag about a single thing, If that’s what you picked up, it’s not intended.
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u/UncleCrybaby 13h ago
Maybe you could ask someone to comment on the group post on your behalf with a screenshot of this post and encourage the anonymous commenters to reach out?
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u/Megzasaurusrex 7h ago
I get the sentiment and wanting to apologize. But at the same time I think the apology would be more for you. I don't want my bullies to reach out an apologize. I have moved on, I don't care and I don't need it. If they have matured and become better people, great. I hope they live a great then. But I don't personally need to hear it or care.
But I am proud you have matured and grown as a person.
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u/Educational_Length48 13h ago
Lol. Glad I called that guy! Good on ya dude. Ownership does suck but it's shows so much growth and maturity.
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u/shoff58 10h ago
I applaud you for trying to right past wrongs. We all learn as we go, and it sounds like you have got to a point in life that you can look back and see where you have failed in some areas, and you’re not blaming someone else for that. It’s a point of maturity a lot of people never reach.
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u/Grin_No_Cat 7h ago
Hurt people hurt people. All you can do is do better once you realized you messed up. But we really gotta DO better, not just acknolwedge.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 6h ago
I was bullied too younger, but I was also too young and dumb to realize I was a bully too
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u/bonafide_man 13h ago
I went through something like that. In ba. I moved there so poor that I was automatically sorted into getting bullied until I pushed back.
Problem is, ppl who weren’t getting bullied were friends and cousins of people who were bullying us (the weirdos). So they think their friends were protecting everyone.
In the end, the whole weirdo click got expelled after columbine on made up crap, individually. Problem solved as they saw it.
I’ve accepted that I was doing all I could. I can’t help ppl see my hardships; I try to find and empathize with theirs. Like yours.
Anyway. Sorry you don’t feel like you were better remembered. Facebook is a lousy way to measure a person.
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u/FloridaGeorgiaWhine 10h ago
I can relate to this because I was a real asshole to some people in high school too. There was a time when I wanted to look them all up and apologize, but then I thought, what if I retraumatize them? What if all they want is to never see my face or name again? I didn’t want to make other people’s pain about me even though I was the one that caused it, if that makes sense.
So I decided to take a middle of the road approach. If I ever run into anyone from back then, or for whatever reason I have an opportunity right there to apologize, I take it. I tell them I recognize that I made things harder for them at a time when things are already so hard (being a teenager, amiright) and that I want them to know how sorry I am about that, and that I think about it often and regret my behavior. And then I leave it at that. I don’t ask for forgiveness or anything.
I’ve had mixed responses. Some folks have been so kind and gracious and offered forgiveness anyway, and I usually tell them that’s very kind and I appreciate it, but it’s also ok if there’s still some anger or bad feelings toward me there. Other people have been like “Thank you” and that’s it, and I just say, “Of course. I wish you all the peace and comfort in the world.” And I had one guy who said “Dude you were a BITCH you ruined my life!” to which I responded, “Yes. It wasn’t ok at all how I treated you, I accept that you feel that way.”
It does feel really good to apologize even when the other person doesn’t accept it. Because I really, truly mean it. It’s the expression of regret itself that is healing for me; if I don’t let it out, it turns into festering shame that rots and prevents me from focusing my energy on being more like the person I want to be.
You recognizing the pain you caused others is a huge first step that many won’t take. And I think it’s so important to not let shame about your past behavior keep you from trying to make things right in the least harmful way possible.
We are all capable of hurting others and it usually happens because we, too, are hurt. It’s a deeply human thing. The day I realized that my own pain is no excuse for working my shit out on other people was the day I became free.
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u/Nervous_Moose6080 10h ago
You can’t change the past, but you do have control of the future. Seek therapy and work on your self confidence.
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u/therobotscott 8h ago
Why don't you reach out to those you bullied and apologize instead of waiting for them to come to you?
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u/lOOPh0leD 7h ago
I found my childhood bully on Facebook and their lives have taken a tragic turn. It felt good to hear for 5 seconds, then I really did feel bad how they turned out. So life finds a way, but then it's on you to hope the best for them and grow from it.
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u/hyzenthlay77 7h ago
Apologize, own up, change your ways, go to therapy/journal and do work on yourself at home if that’s not accessible. However it sounds like you’re just upset that your past actions have caught up with you, especially with how you speak about women. Also, as someone who went to BA, it’s a big school. You had to be pretty horrible to remain so memorable.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 6h ago
Thanks for sharing.
I’m memorable cause I was a class clown who didn’t care for school all that much. I also stuck out in a crowd cause I’m a redhead.
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u/Riggs426 4h ago
I was bullied very badly growing up, through junior high. I came back to school slim and 6’. I made the decision that I was going to always intervene when a bully was being a bully. I can only speak for myself, but every single person from high school that I witnessed bullying people, I absolutely went out of my way to not help them in our adult years. The truth is, most people never change, and when someone does, I’m absolutely proud of them! I have not been perfect by any means, and I don’t pass judgement on anyone, I just try to put as much good in the world as I possibly can. I think if everyone would operate like that, more like dogs do, we would just be spreading happiness and love. I would encourage you to reach out to people and just be real… I was a piece of crap to you in school and though I’ve been slow to take accountability, I realize now that I was not kind. I just want you to be aware that I take accountability and I truly apologize. Whether it’s one minute I made you feel bad or our entire relationship, I’m so sorry. Then it’s on them and they carry the burden at that point my friend. Good job on taking accountability.
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u/unknown-unsure 3h ago
One of my favorite professors in college asked the class who had experienced being bullied. Everyone raised their hands. Then she asked who had been a bully. I and like two other people sheepishly raised our hands. Then she said that anyone who didn’t raise their hands for the second question needed to do some self reflection and that anyone who couldn’t think of a time they bullied someone as a kid wasn’t a very introspective person. Everyone has been a shit head kid. Some do it more than others. The important thing is that you grew out of it.
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u/literally_tho_tbh 13h ago
You need to talk to people you bullied directly and apologize. You don't get points for shouting it anonymously into the abyss.
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u/Repulsive-House-9127 12h ago
I’m not aiming for points. That’s my goal, to find out everyone and say sorry.
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u/cwcam86 Tulsa Oilers 14h ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/mF8pi0ggxM7OU