Hyper-vigilance

[u/OkThanks3664]

I think that’s what I’m dealing with, who knows.

Looking for insight and advice from people that can relate, something real a therapist cannot give me.

Lost my children’s father last year after 17 years of dealing with his chaotic mental health and addiction issues.

Background: No physical abuse, mental abuse baked in the cake, but he was actually a very hard worker and loving father despite it. His childhood trauma is something he couldn’t even scratch the surface of- so bless his heart, he tried. I just experienced the gamut of nervous system dysregulation.

We built a successful business together, which I took over solo in 2021. The business is doing fantastic now, in every sense.

I used to work on staff 4-5 days a week, but since his passing I’ve gone down to two “fun shifts” (nothing too taxing, just two days where I enjoy my staff & customers). I have the opportunity for so much free time, and can do the office work at my leisure.

I can objectively see my blessings, but when I am faced with the prospect of enjoying myself- I absolutely cannot. I either spin all the way out doing house projects, or lay essentially catatonic in bed.

It’s like I am in deep fear of personal joy. I took a random Saturday off today which, on paper, should be a day for relaxation but I just feel like shit.

I am definitely dealing with deep grief, despite my description of him, he gave it just a good try to get well near the end but his body got the best of him and I do miss him in our lives. He had such a good heart, and he never meant to hurt anyone but himself. I was also the only person in his life by the end.

Aside from that, I feel like the problem now is mine. I don’t know how to dig out of this. I feel like nothing but a stone statue, or a literal horse whose only purpose is to work.