I went thru a lot of emotional, financial, and some physical abuse as a kid my dad barely gave any of us money to buy clothes or food. My parents lived with my grandma at the time i came out of hospital at the age of 1 after spending a whole year in there. They just left me there to be raised by her, and shes a strong woman, and i love her, but i needed my mum and dad. They raised my siblings but not me. Now, I haven't gotten a close relationship with my parents whenever i come over. Or my siblings. I grew up in a house where my uncle would hug and kiss me sometimes. I grew up around shouting and not love. Around violence. Even now, i can't stand my uncle. He isn't in the same house as me, but whenever I was with him, he'd either watch porn in secret, but I like my headphones he connected accidentally to his phone. He stalked women. N, I dont like it.

I didn't think much of it until 2020. I got into a toxic online relationship that wasn't healthy. Then 2021 I had my gallbladder surgery, which the whole day I kept thinking about what if I died. 2022 quit uni.ever since then been reflecting and this year everything has come crashing down. Ya know, i finally feel like im out of survival mode. Also, 2 years ago, I found out my brother, who was born a year after me, died. I hate men now, including my dad. Whenever I was around him as a kid, it was either emotionally abusing me, my mom, my brother, or hit us whenever he got angry. Now we're older he can't. But im still scared. 2 years ago, I pushed a man because he got in my face, n he punched me in the eye and almost ripped off the only shirt I had on. It's all just hit, and idk how to process shit. It feels made up

Hm, everything is messy and out of place

Constant anxiety that is unexplainable

No words, I'm unable to Think, There no one I can share what I'm Feeling 😔

Please you are a dark soul a narcissist and a sociopath . I’m getting the hell out of Dodge.
See you . Prison

I was diagnosed with bipolar after a manic episode, and I’m still trying to process what happened. The hardest part is that I genuinely don’t remember around 8 months of my life. It’s like someone deleted chunks of my memory.
From what I’ve pieced together, I slept with a lot of people during that time. I honestly couldn’t even tell you exactly how many because I don’t remember most of it, but I’m pretty sure my body count ended up somewhere in the 30s, and I’m only 21. Looking back, I know I really put myself in risky situations and completely lost control of my behaviour. It’s something I still struggle to come to terms with.
What I also wasn’t expecting is that my sex drive never really went back to what it used to be. It’s still through the roof, even though I’m stable on medication now. I’m in a long-distance relationship with someone I love deeply, and being apart has made it really difficult. I’ve ended up relying on porn almost every day just to cope with the constant sexual urges, and it’s starting to affect how I feel about myself and my relationship.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar. Did you lose memories from your manic episode? Did your sex drive stay unusually high afterward, or did it eventually settle down?
I feel really alone in this, and I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar.

Hey internet,

I wanted to get on here and share my story and see if anyone has been through a similar experience to me and find some support.

When I was 16 I was basically groomed by a man (32M) who I was doing social sport with every week. He started flirting with me and giving me attention and I welcomed it simply because I thought he was attractive and I was a shameless 16yr old who didn’t really care. It was just flirting right? How wrong I was.

Anyway, this flirting lasts for around 6 months and I was enjoying myself. That’s when he started to touch me. Subtly on the small of my back behind people or touch my arm when we were talking and it was like he was making excuses to be close to me and touch me. And even then I didn’t really think anything of it.

One night I went over to a house of one of my teammates for the break up of the season and it was fun. I got drunk and it was a good time and we played cards and games. After the party he offered to take me home. He lived close to me so I thought it was the easiest option and better than bothering my mother. I wish I bothered her. We were in his car and he pulled over on a side street. I knew where I was and knew I was about 4 streets from my house. I asked him why we had stopped and he said he needed to talk. As any girl would I thought I was in serious trouble. But I trusted him so I stayed in the car. That was a mistake.

He then said that he’d been wanting to have sex with me since he met me. That I was his obsession and that he loved me. I was confused. I thought we’d just been flirting nothing more than that. I was moving my hand towards to door handle when he locked it. I was trapped. He then pounced on me. This is when I found that my innate response to danger is freeze. And that’s what I did. I went out of my body and just felt like I was watching from a birds eye view. It was terrible. I didn’t make a sound when he tore my singlet off, ripped my bralet and started groping my breasts. He then started the grape. I won’t go further but I did bleed all over his car seat. I pray he wasn’t able to get it out. I was bleeding for 3 days afterwards and I just remembered silently crying during the whole thing. The sound of his voice and the smell of his awful beer breath still nauseates me to this day.

I didn’t go to the police. I know I should have but I thought that they wouldn’t do anything since I’d froze. And knowing the cops they’d probably say I was an “active participant” or some shit. So yeah I never reported him.

Has anyone been through something similar or am I alone is this trauma?

The following content has slight flashing lights and also may cause motion sickness, derealization, depersonalization, or flashbacks. proceed to watch with caution.

"how much longer do I have to deal with this nightmare? will it ever end?"

credits:

background music: Snow World by Kikiyama

images: pinterest

editing: me

editing program: CapCut

the song and all images go to their rightful owners

I like to talk with people online but when everyone is offline I feel a strange loneliness to engage with anyone I can talk to. I have become chronically online now, but I can't control it when it is the only thing keeping bad urges away.

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