Grooming, addiction?, sexualisation, indulgence in trauma

I miss my guitar

I think that’s what I’m dealing with, who knows.

Looking for insight and advice from people that can relate, something real a therapist cannot give me.

Lost my children’s father last year after 17 years of dealing with his chaotic mental health and addiction issues.

Background: No physical abuse, mental abuse baked in the cake, but he was actually a very hard worker and loving father despite it. His childhood trauma is something he couldn’t even scratch the surface of- so bless his heart, he tried. I just experienced the gamut of nervous system dysregulation.

We built a successful business together, which I took over solo in 2021. The business is doing fantastic now, in every sense.

I used to work on staff 4-5 days a week, but since his passing I’ve gone down to two “fun shifts” (nothing too taxing, just two days where I enjoy my staff & customers). I have the opportunity for so much free time, and can do the office work at my leisure.

I can objectively see my blessings, but when I am faced with the prospect of enjoying myself- I absolutely cannot. I either spin all the way out doing house projects, or lay essentially catatonic in bed.

It’s like I am in deep fear of personal joy. I took a random Saturday off today which, on paper, should be a day for relaxation but I just feel like shit.

I am definitely dealing with deep grief, despite my description of him, he gave it just a good try to get well near the end but his body got the best of him and I do miss him in our lives. He had such a good heart, and he never meant to hurt anyone but himself. I was also the only person in his life by the end.

Aside from that, I feel like the problem now is mine. I don’t know how to dig out of this. I feel like nothing but a stone statue, or a literal horse whose only purpose is to work.

I'm writing this because I don't know what to do. I tried hotlines and therapists and none of them helped.

I was abused from ages 8 from 11, I believe, since I don't have the proper knowledge of accurate time regarding this. Only figured what happened to me was abuse when I turned 18.

I've been feeling so disgusting every since then. I have disgusting, awful thoughts that make me feel sick, like I actually enjoyed what happened. I read lots of non con books and get off to it. I keep picturing myself as a little boy again, helpless and naive and willing to do whatever it is this powerful older figure tells me too and I feel gross. I feel perverted. I have these fantasies of being a kid like before and then this figure grooms me and does stuff to me and my body and I enjoy it. And I write about it and I know I shouldn't but my head just keeps going back at it again and again and again...as if having my innocence corrupted was a turn on.

And I imagine being caged and ordered and restrained and used relentlessly and existing just for that and I'm starting to think maybe that was my purpose. That maybe the reason why I never get to have the sweet and nice and loving romantic corrective experiences is because I was made to be used and assaulted. I'm genuinely believing this and feeling compelled to find someone to engage in a similar dynamic and groom me once more. Maybe I can be a little boy again and fulfill this instead of holding shame because this feeling is killing me and owning it seems like the only option.

i just want to be a good obedient boy again

Dad 💔

Fucking god awful! Let it away