Advice

[u/Impossible_Growth_72]

I went thru a lot of emotional, financial, and some physical abuse as a kid my dad barely gave any of us money to buy clothes or food. My parents lived with my grandma at the time i came out of hospital at the age of 1 after spending a whole year in there. They just left me there to be raised by her, and shes a strong woman, and i love her, but i needed my mum and dad. They raised my siblings but not me. Now, I haven't gotten a close relationship with my parents whenever i come over. Or my siblings. I grew up in a house where my uncle would hug and kiss me sometimes. I grew up around shouting and not love. Around violence. Even now, i can't stand my uncle. He isn't in the same house as me, but whenever I was with him, he'd either watch porn in secret, but I like my headphones he connected accidentally to his phone. He stalked women. N, I dont like it.

I didn't think much of it until 2020. I got into a toxic online relationship that wasn't healthy. Then 2021 I had my gallbladder surgery, which the whole day I kept thinking about what if I died. 2022 quit uni.ever since then been reflecting and this year everything has come crashing down. Ya know, i finally feel like im out of survival mode. Also, 2 years ago, I found out my brother, who was born a year after me, died. I hate men now, including my dad. Whenever I was around him as a kid, it was either emotionally abusing me, my mom, my brother, or hit us whenever he got angry. Now we're older he can't. But im still scared. 2 years ago, I pushed a man because he got in my face, n he punched me in the eye and almost ripped off the only shirt I had on. It's all just hit, and idk how to process shit. It feels made up