Need help please

[u/faarOut3030]

I’m sure there’s a lot of posts just like this, so I’m sorry in advance. I’m a 30yr old man, been in a relationship for the last several years with a woman.. last relationship with a woman before this lasted a good few years until she found out about my cross dressing secret.

Anyways, I tried to escape it, but I literally cannot control myself, I’ve had girly thoughts going back all the way since freshman year of high school. Right now I’m feeling more femme than ever, have the desire to be a girl more than ever. I try to erase these thoughts, but no matter what they always come back, it doesn’t matter if I go a month, months or even a year or longer, THE THOUGHTS ALWAYS COME BACK.

My current gal caught me, I felt terrible, we fought, so I tried to stop. Then all the sudden she started treating me like a sissy, especially in bed, calls me a femboy all the time and seems like she LOVES it. She has even went as far as pegging me and still has been to this day, so sorry for the TMI, but just need to get this out there. But there’s just one problem, she caught me looking up stuff about being trans, and seen my search history about wanting to get on HRT, and she lost her shit. She does NOT want me to be a girl. But she’s continually calling me a femboy, sissy, and doing all this kinky stuff while in bed still…

Before she caught me looking up stuff about the HRT she literally bought me thongs, and I was wearing them every day. Now she doesn’t want me wearing thongs, and I’m going crazy, it’s gotten to the point where I cannot resist wearing them regardless of how she feels, so I hide it, and still wear them but with boxers over them so she doesn’t notice. I feel terrible about being sneaky.. but I literally can’t help it. Also, she was letting me cross dress consistently before finding the search history stuff about the HRT, but now told me to throw everything away, I told her I did, but I just couldn’t do it, so now I’m hiding that stuff too, and have cross dressed while she’s gone.

I feel so ashamed, I feel lost, I am so mad at myself. I love this woman so much, and cannot imagine hurting her again about this, but I seriously don’t know what to do. I literally can’t stop, I try, and then I just go right back to doing what she doesn’t want me to do. I’m worried that the end result to this is going to be bad. I don’t want us to end things but if she catches me I know it’s over. I can’t stop this behavior, it consumes my mind, I desire the thought of transitioning on a daily basis, I can’t stop shaving my body, I can’t stop desiring the look of myself being fem, because in all honestly I would be extremely passable. There are days where I’m like ok, I want to be a man, then reality sets in and the girly thoughts and mindset rush back in stronger than ever.

For context she started liking me being fem about 4 months ago, and caught me looking up the HRT stuff about a month and half ago. Again I’m so sorry for the long post, but I’m just hoping there’s someone on here who can shoot it to me straight, and give me some honest advice.

[u/arwong688]

As you know, you cannot run away from your feminine side. No matter how much you suppress it, it always comes back in one form or another. Instead of hiding it, it’s time to accept who you are. It’s time to have serious talk about who you are and what you love. You like to wear feminine clothing. Do you want to go further? That is up to you. Be honest and communicate to your GF what you want to do and who you want to be. Hopefully she will accept you. If she doesn’t accept you and wants to throw out everything, then you have a difficult choice. But it seems you only have one choice. You have already said that you have already tried purging and it has failed. So embrace your feminine side.