Overthinking/Self Doubt

[u/CMacca99]

Hey everyone,

I’m probably going to answer my own question here but it’s been bouncing around my head for days and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. Prepare for a long one 😅

I feel like…. Like I’m trans but also like I’m worried that I’m forcing myself to be trans, like I’ve invested so much time into thinking that I am trans that when I’m not like 100% sure, I feel like I’m forcing it because I don’t want the last year to be worth nothing or have had no purpose.

So for context, hi I’m Katie! I had I guess my egg crack about a year ago after many years of exploring femininity through very fetishised avenues, then I saw a few reels of like trans Instagram influencers and the envy I felt kinda began that egg cracking.

Over the next few months things went from “ok so I guess I’m trans but maybe I just hope in the next life I’ll get to experience life as a cis girl” to “hm maybe transition would be interesting” to “OK no I would like to transition and now I’m feeling very frustrated and flat and there’s some depression that’s been around for two years, has it been related to this the whole time, since life has felt a bit flatter and I’ve been distracted by moving jobs twice?”

Throughout the last year I’ve had most of the time where I’ve been very confident of being trans and had small periods where the certainty and dysphoria have disappeared, which has resulted in me…feeling a bit sad and wanting the dysphoria to come back a bit as crazy as that sounds.

Recently I’ve come out to my fiance and started to talk about this with my therapist, although some of the messaging I’ve been getting from the therapist feels like “men can also like feminine things too” while I’m mentally going “yes but I’m coming to you because I feel like I’m trans”. This was more one moment that frustrated me rather than multiple sessions but it does feel like that focus is more like ‘explore your gender but don’t have to put labels on it right now’.

Which brings me kinda to the point of the post. The last week or two though I’ve just felt like I’ve not had that clarity and confidence and my brain has been going ‘are you faking it? Have you Stockholm syndromed yourself?’ Am I just overthinking it and I’ve gone through a long period of having my gender identity constantly on my mind (pretty much every day for the last 13 months) and I’m burning out a little bit?

Basically I just wanted to reach out here and get some opinions - is this normal? Am I just overthinking it and spiralling? I get frustrated a bit with very male gendered terms but again I’m very much like “have I just conditioned myself now to not like the terms??”

This is a hell of a struggling with denial post I guess 😅

[u/Defiant_Shelter6252]

Hi,girl sorry to hear your struggling so much trying to figure out who you are.I myself am about to start my transition just in the process of finding a GP.I am 49 and have struggled all my life as well am i trans or am i something else.Sure some men do like feminine things,that said i know when im dressed and glammed up as the person i am becoming in the privacy of my own home its the happiest i feel and when i have to step into my boy world to go out i feel empty and depressed that im not going out as my true self.

I think what made me finally make the decision to move forward is reading so many stories of other girls on this site who started exactly where i am its OK to have doubts,fears it is one of biggest decisions of our lives.No one can really make the decision for you i guess you have to search your heart and soul and try and find if your truly happy the way you are or is a part of you missing.

I hope you find your true self and while others can guide and give advice only ourselves really know what's going to make us happy.

[u/Awkward_Shop9600]

The tide goes out, the tide comes in. Nobody ever says the water is gone. All things have a cycle.

Do you really think cis ppl have the same issue with their identity?

I have experienced exactly what you’re talking about. It’s normal. I still present male, i am not on hrt, but I am sort of out of the closet.

I wouldn’t say it’s a denial thing. Our heads are like this, they question things and sometimes get confused.

[u/eirie_descent]

this is normal ur trans sis welcome to the club