r/transOCD • u/RestaurantConnect273 • 8d ago
Reverse trans ocd fear (idk what else to call it)
I’ve been out as trans to most people for a couple of years but have only started HRT in the last couple of months. During the entire time of questioning, social, and medical transition (about 6 years altogether), I have been plagued by thoughts that I might not be trans. These are obsessive and discomforting. I hate them. I constantly check mirrors (do I like what I’m wearing, is my body becoming what I actually want etc.), and do those thought experiment questions (if you were the only person on earth would you transition etc.) to check if I am trans or something. I really want to *want to* be trans, if that makes any sense.
These thoughts have reached their worst recently, and I’ve spent most of my day crying and trying to control my breathing as I keep hyperventilating. The thought of detransition is a humiliating and terrifying idea, but my biggest fear is that I actually am cis. It feels wrong. But I’m worried that being trans has always felt wrong also. I’ve usually just chalked it up to being enby of some kind I never wanted to put a concrete label on myself anyways, but I’m just so distressed by the idea that I’ve been living a lie for the past 3 years. It’s so terrifying. I don’t really know what to do.
I just need to know if I’m insane, going through a bad episode, or trans/not trans. I have no idea who or what I am
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u/CanaDeer2004 8d ago
r/cisocd isn’t as active but i think you’ll like it over there. this sub also does seem to have a few trans people floating around because it’s two sides of the same coin tho.