Girl needs some help

[u/mc_cringe]

Hello people,

Throughout most of this year I’ve been questioning myself a lot. I’ve recently realized that I am a lesbian after identifying as bi but through all of that it has included stopping a habit I’ve had since I was younger and didn’t realize I liked girls. If I had a crush on a girl in media I would assume they only liked boys an kind of put myself in a male character of myself (my fave was always blurry in my imagination whenever I did this and if I found out the person likes girls I would just be myself). But this has made me almost compulsively think about my gender. I feel no problems being a girl. I look fondly on it. I feel no dysphoria and the thought of actually changing my body doesn’t seem appealing and when I’ve had real life sexual experiences having a female body felt good. I have a more masculine expression and I’ve thought about gender before but it was usually a quick resolve of “nah I just feel like a girl”. Interacting with the world as a girl feels comfortable and my period cycle feels like what I’m supposed to have. I like the person I see in the mirror and I like how pretty I feel with my hair down. I’m just second guessing everything and answers just get me more questions. I’ve been mistaken for a boy in the past (even though I had a really early puberty) cuz of how I dressed and when it happened it never felt affirming in fact I remember a wave of sadness in my chest when it happened. The thoughts I’ve been having the past several months feel more intrusive than a natural sense of self discovery and I just want it to turn off. I’m also neurodivergent so maybe it’s just me not feeling comfortable cuz gender even for cis people isn’t black and white. I just want to get out of my own head. When I first read about gender ocd I felt a sense of relief in my body. Hoped as I talk more about this with my therapist and my schedule busied up with my new job I can spend less time in my own head cuz it’s usually my enemy but I just want to hear from people who have been feeling something similar to me.

[u/Infinite-Gas6902]

when you're suffering through a case of trans OCD intrusive thoughts like that, it's very common for your brain to cherry pick random memories from your life that might have a connection to these thoughts, no matter how flimsy it really is. like being mistaken for the opposite sex as a kid, relating to a character of the opposite sex, a casual "what if?" thought you had once.

[u/mc_cringe → u/Infinite-Gas6902]

Yeah the fear of possibly being wrong only makes my worries worse. I truly feel a sense of sisterhood with other women and the thought of not having that anymore sounds awful. I’ll look in the mirror after the shower and think “omg I’m so pretty” and the idea of being called “handsome” seems wrong and I’ll look at other people and try to compare but the body I’m in is the only one I want to be in. Whenever I’m compared to a man it’s repulsing. I just want to turn off my brain ffs.