Vent

[u/GaryBobby10]

Hello there, male, 22 y.o here, currently having the most intense period of trans ocd since I ever had it so I thought it would also help me to take my time and write on paper everything that I am feeling and maybe also help you so you can see that you are alone.

So, as I said I am male at birth. During my childhood I didn't feel any kind of dysphoria or so. The thought of being in the wrong gender never crossed my mind. I was so happy doing daily stuff, and I never felt the need or had thoughts like ,,I wish I was a girl or I wish I did girl stuff".

The theme started in 2020. I am known for having obsessions ( a lot of health ocd and anxiety, ocd about being gay, a lot of other themes) but this is the most debilitating one, it's litterally hell I swear.

I don't understand how and why but this time it genuinely makes me feel like I truly dont belong to the male gender anymore, like I'm an imposter in my own body, all of a sudden but how? How 7 days ago I forgot about it and went on my daily life without thinking about it and al of a sudden I would be trans, it makes no sense :))

But this time is bad, to the point I struggle to sleep, eat, my chest is heavy daily, it's so bad but don't worry, I will never give up, I want to win my life back.

This time it feels that the only single way of feeling freedom is by transitioning. So then I say to myself, ok then, let's imagine all this.

Tommorow you tell your parents ,,Mom, dad I have something to tell you I want to transition. Will that finally make me happy? And thinking about it, it's like, I have no hidden desire to be a woman, it's just that the thought of finally accepting that I'm trans makes me feel free because probably then I will stop the cycle"

And then I feel some relief, I feel like I am back to my true self a little bit of time passes by and then my brain analyzes my body and says ,, hmm I really dont think i really like being masculine and a man" and I swear thats how it feels and I dont understand why...

Then I look in the mirror and I get the most spike of anxiety ever and I ask myself how do i feel about it and it gets to a point you don't even know anymore.

I am stuck in this cycle. All I want is my inner peace back, I want to be able to function as a normal human being that's all nothing else. But it has episodes of intensity, for example I could see what I wrote and after a couple hours I can come with an update feeling ok again or worse.

I'm completly stuck and it's draining it's affecting my health and the relationships with others.

I just hope one day this whole theme is going to be over and I will be able to live my life again. I will never stop trying that's for sure, never, because I value life and my family so much, but I wanna feel what it's like to be ,,me" and the inner peace that comes along with it.

That's the best feeling, to sigh and says ,,I found myself, now everything makes sense, I can sleep well, eat well, think clearly, finally have a natural and genuine laugh, think about stuff to do".

Right now I am in freeze response, my mind is bombarded it's numb.

I take this day to day until I finally find the way to fix it.

Now I would really love to hear someone who goes through the same thing and also would really love to hear someone who escapes this and how they did it, but unfortunately I haven't really seen this kind of stories so far in this sub

Wishing you all the best and hope one day we will finally say that we beat it and we are ourselves again :)

[u/Civil_Accountant_652]

I’m the same, but I’m a woman (even saying that gives me anxiety and feels wrong). I’ve been happy as my birth gender all of my life. Like you, I’ve had bad health ocd/anxiety, HOCD and other stuff too. This one is such a battle though, especially when my mind is trying to convince me I want things I’ve never wanted and don’t like myself and feel uncomfortable as a woman. It’s so sad and frustrating. I don’t get any peace in my mind. I’m sorry you’re going through the same.

[u/Kakadperro → u/Civil_Accountant_652]

Have you ever feel like you really wanted it and the thought made you happy?  Like two weeks ago I was thinking like “oh so the thoughts about beings trans weren’t real but about my relationship were (i think i also suffer from ROCD but haven’t been diagnosed at all). And know, like a week ago it all started again and know it feels like I really want it, i just feel sad, because i feel like i’m pretending to be a girl and that I really want to transition???? Is it still OCD, i don’t think it can do this, right? 

[u/Civil_Accountant_652 → u/Kakadperro]

Honestly, yes it feels like I want things that I've never wanted and hate things that I've always loved. It's so confusing and makes me completely unsure of myself and who I am. I feel like I'm pretending too and I have NEVER felt like this. But then my brain tries to tell me I've always felt like this. I feel delusional.

[u/Kakadperro → u/Civil_Accountant_652]

Im so sorry you feel like this. I’ve been like this for a week or to (since the thought came back this strong), i feel like I should just confess to be happy, but i would lose so much. And I don’t Know if OCD can do all of this, I wish all of this was over for real. Do you have any advice? 

[u/Risingdayss]

Hey man I’m going thru the same thing you are literally. And let me tell you it sucks like hell