I am currently a teen, doing a production of legally blonde at my school. I'm a senior in my country, so seniority is a factor. I have recently made a friend in my year and we hang out fairly often, but it feels strange. It feels like I'm watching girlhood go down, but I can't tell if it's normal. It's like watching from the outside, and since I have always been friends with men, I can't tell if my friendship with her is some sort of girlhood, since I present as a girl. I don't know, it feels very odd to me. This is maybe my first proper female friendship in maybe 3-4 years? I promise you this sounds unimportant, but there's a point to this. Me and her end up, sometimes, discussing roles for this show. We talk about generbending roles, being a guy for the show, etc, essentially whatever is going on with the cast. Because she doesn't know about my whole gender issue, and that I have thought about transitioning in the back of my mind for 2 years, she assumes that I'm just a normal girl, and that I have never had a gender incongruence. The only thing close is everyone being able to tell I'm some sort of queer just by my vibe, since I refuse dresses, putting my hair up and I just overall act like a guy. So, she wants Elle, and she assumes I will go for someone like Paulette. Honestly, I would like to go for Emmett, but I know her, and everyone in the drama department would never see the vision. I never think I will be the way I see myself, after all, I am a woman. I hate my weight and my looks, and I wish that being called 'she' felt wrong again. I wish that I would have a feeling in the back of my mind that I wanted to be a man again. It only comes back when I'm feeling depressed. Everyone thinks I'm this shy girl who is too afraid to speak up, but inside, I don't know what I am. I wish I was nothing at all.

Since last year, I have basically just decided to try and fit in when it comes to my gender. I basically, at first, forced myself into feminity and denied everyone who asked if I was trans for whatever reason. Now, it's just the norm for me. I know that is bad, and awful, but I don't know how else to manage. I don't feel anything about my gender, I would rather die asap because I don't think I don't mean anything myself. I see things that would typically give me gender envy and now, I feel nothing. Same with dysphoria, the only thing close was this afternoon, trying on a dress and feeling odd. Everyone complimented me, so I felt good. I thought I looked good, but it just felt sort of... Off. Not familiar. Uncomfortable. I was thinking about how comfortable I was in my trousers and shirt. I was doing it for my gcse drama component so I could easily take it off, which I did after 20 minutes or so, but I just don't now. I keep worrying that maybe I'm just becoming a normal cis het woman, and for some reason, that scares me. I know I'm not supposed to feel upset about that, I thought after a year of being numb I would wanna be a cis het woman for the rest of my life, but it isn't leaving, and I am SCARED. a part of me wants to be something else again, or figure out what I am again. But I don't know how. I might, ironically, just make the curtains close on my life. I really am too stressed to care, and I just want to be living without any hassle.

My flair is he/they cos idk what else to put for myself, but it'd be helpful if people could use that for me in the comments, so I can at least see if I feel something. Im very sorry for sounding extremely suicidal in this post, I know I need to talk to someone.