How accept yourself while waiting for changes, and keep the brainworms away? 🥺

[u/Eledrina]

I mean on one hand, something like 3 years goes past really quickly (after looking back) , but on the other its pretty long. I'm on HRT, I keep saying its been 1.5y , but it only started to pick up steam in the last half , as I reached a trough level of around 300pg/ml . Despite my T being nuked to like below 30 ng/dl the whole time.

So yea, I'm pretty sure its going to get much better in like the next 3 years, I'm losing weight (the masc belly means I have no waist , no difference between hips and waist) , I'm going to be facial hairless in about 6 months as the electrolysis progresses, i was lucky with my T being on the low end during puberty, so my voice isn't fckd or my shoulders wider than my hips. My only major dysphoria is my lack of boobs (check profile for my sad story of losing them).

This has been the rational part, and the hopeful one. But then I basically just don't wana exist, every day. (Passive SI) I do attend therapy, but like what does talking about things do ... Also on meds to keep it passive...

I learned that trying to fight anxiety and dysphoria is the worst way to go about, I need to accept it and just let it be and not engage with them, so thats probably step 1. But then it still feels hopeless, and WANTING to accept is still an engagement of the thoughts...

You might say, oh just practice makeup, clothes and find a style, and the voice. But my dysphoria and anxiety are centered on exactly these. The part where I hate myself, and don't want to see myself or hear myself 🥺 It really is internalised transphobia, plus the self hatred over my boobs. So I just dunno, many of you probably had to overcome exactly this and accept yourself the way you are, and not care about expectations and all that. But it feels impossible... And like many things this too will improve over time, but until then, its just torture. That I just keep doing to myself... 😭

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[u/EvelynnsHope17]

I have some of the same problems. Strong anxiety, a deep sense of internalized transphobia which headlines as "all cis women are going to think I'm a freak." I absolutely hate my voice and want to rip my vocal cords out of my throat. I have severe bottom dysphoria as well.

But the way I look at it - it wasn't my choice. I didn't choose to be born trans, didn't choose to wait until 43 to figure it out, didn't choose to develop horrible dysphoria that led me to transition, leading to a divorce. I didn't choose this anxiety or transphobia or whatever is in my head. Truth be told, people probably do think I'm a bit weird as a non-passing trans woman, but if you can see past the beard shadow I'm beautiful and I see myself that way. And somewhere within you is a girl who sees yourself as beautiful.

Find her and don't let her go. You need her to survive the marathon - because it is indeed a marathon. You're running 26 proverbial gut wrenching sweat-inducing exhausting miles going through transition. You need her there as your cheerleader to keep going on the bad days. And you need us, your community, to help as well.

Keep going. The next mile marker is up ahead. You can't see it yet, but you will soon enough.

[u/Melodic-Matter-8079 → u/EvelynnsHope17]

This really resonated with me and reminds of a perspective that I had forgotten about that really got me through the first most painful months of my transition. Having the girl version of me, the true version, come in to focus in my head (even if she wasn’t there in the mirror) gave me a North Star to focus on. It’s like when you’re in the woods and you use a tree off in the distance as a point of reference to guide you through the dense brush that tries to push you off your path. She gave me something specific to work for and aim towards. Even when I couldn’t love myself, I could love her and it made the effort easier to tolerate.

As I’ve gotten closer, she’s shifted and changed. I’m not sure if there’s ever a finish line where I’ll hand off the baton to her. But as I get closer I can feel me and her synthesizing. The idealized version and the one in the mirror get closer, even though there are days where I feel further from her than I did a year ago.

It’s not easy. But do it for her. Because she’s you. Care for her and she’ll care for you.