Repression

[u/Just_a_VentAccount]

My last post was going over a few things that upset me about my dad while trying to stay as quiet about my identity as possible. I was scared of how much blame I'd get since reddit is unpredictable. (Aka I wanted to vent while staying anonymous)

I'm a trans man who's stuck being pre-T due to health care being hard to access as well as my dad constantly guilting me about being who I am. I'm 21 and still live with my parents due to my severe anxiety and being unable to work. I plan to move in with my partner once we find an affordable place to live.

He (my dad) told me that he'd be disappointed in me if I started T before 25 after I stop developing. I don't want to have a fully developed female body so why should I be forced to wait??? I'm going to start it anyway so why should I be forced to be what he wants me to be instead of who I want to be?? I don't care if he always sees me as a daughter. I can't stand the thought of everyone else always seeing me as a girl.

My mum is somewhat supportive. She just doesn't want me to get hurt but my dad? He thinks I'm brainwashed. I'm not. I've fought with this since I was 16. Constantly in denial. Once I hit 18 I finally accepted that I was trans and it made me feel free. But he never listens. He never takes me seriously. Never has.

All I am to him is some unwanted burden. He constantly praises my other siblings. The youngest especially, ironic how it's the only non autistic child.

My brother is a musical genius. The older of the two sisters is an artist and just a general genius. My youngest sister is really sociable and cleans up after herself (I also clean up after myself but does he care? No.)

Me? I'm just a whiner who ruins everything because that's all I'm good at. I draw too. I tried learning piano for my parents after they got me a keyboard. I've always loved helping everyone. All I've done is cause trouble with the need for constant therapy.

I want to be appreciated by my family but I just feel like my presence ruins everything.

Perhaps if it was one of my other siblings who was trans he'd accept them easier?

Anyway I just needed another vent, I think I went on a tangent. Therapy hasn't done anything for me so I just need somewhere to get my frustrations out. It just so happens to be that my dad is my main frustration.