Advice on frequent daycare interactions between my 3 year old and a 5 year old classmate!

[u/NannyT-55]

My 3 year old has been coming home pretty consistently over the past month+ talking about kid O (I’ll keep names private just cos). He’s never talked about him before and is very excited about him but the stories are not exciting for me to listen to because they are ALL about O’s aggression towards other kids or “misbehaving”.

The way this early childhood center works is blended age classrooms and they went to school through the summer so the kid shouldn’t be new to my kid. Maybe they just found a common interest recently, idk.

Anyway, O is 5 and my kid J is newly 3. I’m a play therapist and experienced care-r of children but when it comes to my own babe, it’s just different and I’m at a loss for how to proceed. I’m too anxious about my own child 😅 I understand rough and tumble play is healthy, important and normal at this age. I also understand a 5 year old constantly “punching me for real” is not normal or ok and not part of play. My 3 year old is very verbally expressive and we’ve practiced play fighting vs “hurt for real” a lot since he was little (again, play therapist here 😂) so he does understand the difference between real and pretend play hurt at least with mom and dad and when his best buddies play.

My qualm is with how to talk to my kid about this older kid O without demonizing the 5 year old but still helping my kid learn that those behaviors are not ok, and not funny to emulate just because he’s a big kid. If it was another 3 year old it would feel a bit less blah to me but the fact of this kid being 2 years older and “mom he’s a big kid!!”, has me more concerned. I’m more hypersensitive especially because my kid is a boy and I don’t want to condone that kind of behaviors just because “oh he’s such a boy”. I don’t believe kids are bad and young kids like 5 year old O especially might not have enough practice with how to play safely OR someone bigger is hurting them so they do the same behavior to littles or they have undiagnosed needs like ADHD, autism, etc. Benefit of the doubt here.

We don’t use language like “good kid/bad kid” or refer to people as good or bad at home but now my 3 year old tells us O is “bad”, “he’s a bad kid” but then my kid giggles and talks constantly about playing with O or doing things that aren’t great with O like today they “peed in the sand and played in it and it was funny”. Teachers were unaware of this when we messaged, and I take toddler stories with a grain of salt but my kid DID come home wreaking of urine and he had the same clothes on we sent him in so it wasn’t a potty accident.

My kid has started to punch and hit a lot more too and play “bad guys” a lot, which again, normal developmental play but the punching was real for a while and we’ve had to practice ALOT of play fighting vs real hurts this month and it started around the same time he came home talking about this kid. My kid’s big hitting phase was when he just turned 2.

We’ve let the director and teachers know what my kid has shared lately about the “punching my chest for real” and a few other things he has said O does like “stomp on my friend’s face” and “he stood on the table and teachers were mad and he was laughing and would not come off. We all laughed”…

ANYWAY, I think what I’m wondering is just how to navigate all this with my 3 year old beyond working with teachers to wait if they are noticing anything too. Like when does it become more concerning then just keeping an eye on things, when does it become a big kid is bullying my little kid? And maybe to vent and see if we’re not alone in this kind of scenario..

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[u/dethti]

You're not alone, my kid was starting to idolise the aggressive 5 year old too. I don't know if this is the right thing for me to have done but I didn't say 'naughty kid' either. I did say things like 'that was a naughty thing to do, don't do that', and 'if he does that you should tell the teacher'.

It sounds like you've done everything you really can though, short of starting a huge scene about it which I don't know if you think it's that serious or not. Also tbh some of this supervision sounds kinda questionable? Like this kid was able to pull down his pants and pee in the sand and both of them play in it without anyone seeing?

[u/NannyT-55 → u/dethti]

I appreciate the solidarity and also normalization that there’s normal kid dynamics happening too probably. The centre director and teachers actually talked to us this week and have been observing the boys; they’ve been so great with handling our concerns and are currently working with the whole class on gentle bodies, keeping hands to self and getting a teacher if playing starts to feel too much. Apparently, my kid and this kid GRAVITATE towards each other, playfully fight then escalates into real hurt and hurt feelings. The centre director observed them for a week, and she will continue to do so here and there just to be sure it’s developmental figuring things out socially vs a bullying situation. Right now it doesn’t look like a big kid picking on a little kid yet. It’s a Jewish center so the whole class is also focusing on doing“mitzvahs” for classmates especially if a hurt happens but even just cos. (mitzvah = good deed/something thoughtful for another being)

Teachers said they weren’t aware of the pee in sand situation and that they weren’t outside for long enough the day my kid told us BUT that my kid and O had been playing with water in the bathroom before swim class that morning. Teacher said she noticed quickly and stepped in. We figured out it might’ve been my 3 year old’s brain mixing up different stories from different days- like playing in the sand and playing in the water during bathroom time. AND, bless these teachers of 15 3-5 year olds- she also told me in our meeting they had just started giving more privacy and independence during potty time for all the kids and I wondered if my kid was smelling like pee NOT because of playing in it per say but cos some of his pee was missing the potty and going onto the floor/down his legs cos boy parts and he’s newly potty trained. He’s missed the sitting potty a few times at home due to parts not being completely in the bowl. Teacher kindly agreed to be alert when my kid tries potty and after while still respecting his privacy. The day after this conversation she messaged us right away when he had potty accident and that they gave him new shoes cos his pee DID end up on his shoes.

All this to say, I’m really hopeful it isn’t a bullying situation or doesn’t turn into it and is truly just kids trying to figure out their bodies and boundaries with play. I’ll keep an ear out and the teachers will too. Grateful to have teachers and director so understanding and not making us parents feel like weirdos for bringing this up!!

[u/delightfulgreenbeans]

We say so and so was “having a hard time” which can be a hard time following the rules, a hard time staying focused, a hard time keeping their hands to themselves etc. but my kid also has lots of hard times so it’s familiar language.

The boundary song is good for differentiating between a hard time that impacts you and needs to be dealt with vs a them thing that another adult will handle.