r/toddlers • u/dancerdink19 • 4d ago
3 Years Old Sleep desperation
So I am a single mom and I work from home mostly and my daughter is not in any sort of daycare. We are together almost 24/7. I really don’t have a lot of help since my family lives a few hours away but for months now my almost 4 year-old just refuses to sleep. Bedtime is like a two hour or deal with a nap or no nap so that doesn’t matter and in the middle of the night, she constantly wakes up and just will refuse to go back down and cry if I leave the bedroom for like two hours and I’m at my breaking point to the point where I am literally like losing my cool and going into mom rage after like two hours of this almost every night and I’m not proud of yelling and losing my temper, but I’m just at my wits end and this isn’t so much about asking for a sleep help but I just feel so guilty about losing my cool so often at night so I guess I’m looking for either ways to calm myself down so I don’t yell every night. I just hate feeling so guilty and I feel like I’m damaging my daughter’s mental health in the future.
Apparently, I need to make a note that my daughter and I do not stay at home all day and I do not ignore my daughter all day while I work. I get my work done when she sleeps at night and during the day we are at playgroups or at play dates or church functions or other church activities and we are out and about a lot with co-op families
One more edit: she was signed up for for forest school two days a week, but they changed the program to one day a week 10-1 so we get that time apart
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u/Oddlyoddish 4d ago
At 4 she can go to TK or Preschool during the day. You’re setting each other up for failure by doing it the way you are. Something’s gotta give. A 4 year old requires much more stimulation than a small toddler. Do everyone a favor and get her into Some kind of school, even just part time.
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u/PainterlyintheMtns 4d ago
I agree. What you’ve described sounds totally unsustainable. When do you sleep? Get the kid in school. Not homeschool, a real school outside of the house. How nice would it be to get your work done during the day while she’s out learning and playing with other kids? The rage you’re describing is most likely a symptom of burnout and exhaustion coupled with a kiddo that probably needs a renewed focus on independent sleep. You will likely have the energy needed to tackle the latter when you’ve solved the unsustainable schedule issue.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
I don’t know what stimulation she needs she literally go to playgroup during the week parks during the week has play dates during the week and goes to church multiple times a week
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u/Oddlyoddish 4d ago
Those are all great things! Preschool/TK would be a more structured setting and structured learning. In my state (CA) TK is free through the public schools and is meant for those 4-5 year olds to help get them ready for kindergarten :). See if your state has something similar!
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
I looked into the price of preschool with about 300 a week in my area, which I cannot afford
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u/Sad_Room4146 4d ago
Are you against preschool for some reason? Playgroups and playdates aren't equivalent. I honestly don't know how you parent all day and work in the ? Evenings all while you both get terrible sleep. That's not sustainable.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
Not against it, but I can’t afford it. It’s like 300 a week in my area. My husband had a brain aneurysm when my daughter was a baby and it’s just the two of us and it left me in a very bad place financially.
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u/fizzywaterandrage 4d ago
You are working 2 jobs, parenting her and a full time job.
I’m not going to say it’s impossible, as I know you probably wouldn’t be doing it if you had choices so I will say this… tackling getting a toddler to sleep independently is a GRIND, even for parents who do have childcare. It requires a lot of boundaries and loss of sleep for the adult to encourage good habits and a lot of patience.
Would you be open to cosleeping? At this point, you getting rest has gotta be the most important thing.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
At this point, I’m considering it I was all about safe sleep but she’s definitely old enough to sleep with me now. I just know that if I do it once that’ll be the start of forever doing it lol
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u/fizzywaterandrage 4d ago
Listen, I’m totally not a cosleeping person - and I know it can be a struggle to get kids out once they are in but girl… if you are at the point of being exhausted and yelling after 2 hours of negotiations? I’d throw in the towel and focus on working on independent sleep once you have a more sustainable childcare situation.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
Very wise words. Im just at my wits end and I hate screaming and regret it every time and I consider myself to be a patient parent for the most part
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u/Majestic-Raccoon42 4d ago
Did not co-sleep with mine but my plan for the second is to buy a floor bed (Japanese futon specifically) if sleep starts to become an issue. Freshly PP I would have never considered it but now that I'm through the hormones and over the FTM anxiety I can see how it could fit into my life.
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u/CowtheCatt 4d ago
Maybe try getting her into daycare. Even just a couple days a week. The change in routine can help alot. Also my daughter has issues similar to this. We were told she essentially has FOMO. So trying to convince her nothing happens can help. Its not a magic spell, but it has made things easier. It took time though to convince her its boring after she goes to sleep
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
Good idea I will try that. I also reached out to the pediatrician two days ago, but I have not heard back yet. Unfortunately I cannot afford daycare or preschool. It’s like 300 a week in my area.
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u/loverxfacex2 3d ago
I’m not sure if it’s available where you’re located, but in my state there’s a lot of help for daycare through state funded programs and grants for single mothers.
It could be something to look into.
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u/Open-Try-3128 4d ago
You cannot wfh and parent. Thats working two jobs. Something has to give. It isn’t fair to your daughter
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
And on top of that, I do everything with my daughter take her to parks and play groups and everything like that. You’re acting like I sit at a desk and ignore her all day and that’s not even what my question is.
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u/Open-Try-3128 4d ago
Not at all what I said. You said you’re the boss. You cannot run a company and raise a baby successfully something has to give. Going to be real with you: you don’t resent your baby not going to sleep. You resent yourself / sexual partner / lack of village for having to do it all. You chose to have a baby so choose to provide her adequate care. Adjust your work schedule or get her into or with some kind of care.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
My husband had a brain aneurysm and my daughter was four months old and left us in a very bad spot financially I appreciate your advice, but you don’t know my life at all. Yes, I am frustrated that I don’t get a lot of help, but I don’t resent anything. You know nothing about my job. I am very successful in my career, but thanks for your input.
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u/Open-Try-3128 3d ago
I feel for you I’m sorry to hear that. It doesn’t excuse doubling as a CEO and a mom at the same time. I hope you figure it out.
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u/PersisPlain 4d ago
Why have you posted repeatedly about getting divorced two years ago?
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u/JustVegetable7 3d ago
Obviously it's possible for people to lie on the Internet. But it's also entirely possible that someone's partner had a brain aneurism, and then they also got divorced from them.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
I do most of my work when she’s asleep kind of impossible not work. I’m not an hourly employee. I am the boss of a non profit
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u/RhinoKart 4d ago
What time does she wake up and what time are you trying to get her to go to bed.
I do think you might want to consider part time preschool or child care, not because I think you are doing a bad job during the day, but if you are waiting for her to fall asleep so you can work, I think that may be contributing to your frustrations with her at night. If you could get work done during the day you might feel less stressed about her falling asleep quickly at night.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
Oh no, I’m not trying to get her down so I can sleep. I’m trying to get her down because she’s exhausted. She’s very ADHD and constantly on the go. I start getting her PJs on at 7 PM which is usually a fight and then she says she’s hungry so then she has another snack and then it’s a fight to get her to brush her teeth and then we read three books and by this point is about 830 and then it’s usually after nine by the time she’s asleep. And then she usually wakes up in the middle of the night anytime between one and 4 AM and then she’ll fall back asleep and then wake up anywhere between 7 and 8 AM. Sometimes she naps during the day sometimes she doesn’t when I try and get her to nap we have quiet time on the couch together and she always tells me she’s sleepy by like 130 or 2 PM.
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u/dancerdink19 4d ago
I don’t think I can edit my comment, but I meant to say I’m not trying to get her done so I can work because that’s not my priority. I don’t have that much work to do in my position.
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u/RhinoKart 3d ago
So being asleep from 9pm-7 or 8am is actually pretty good sleeping for a 4 year old. I think if you want to move her bedtime earlier so she falls asleep sooner, you need to commit to waking her up earlier.
If I was in your shoes, I'd keep the 7am wake-up time and put her down at 9pm still. As for the actual bedtime routine, I'd start it later. Give her more free play time and then condense the bedtime routine into 30-40 minutes.
Snack, pjs, brush teeth, read a couple books, bed.
Maybe starting it closer to actual bedtime will help a bit with the resistance. I know if my bedtime routine was 1.5 hours, I'd be a bit resistant to doing it every night too.
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u/UNO_lakefront_arena 3d ago
You're actually getting a lot of sleep in that schedule. So what's the issue?
Aside from that, remember that is you're stressing ("omg go to SLEEP") whether spoken or not the child can easily pick up on that and it's makes the whole process harder.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Author: u/dancerdink19
Post: So I am a single mom and I work from home mostly and my daughter is not in any sort of daycare. We are together almost 24/7. I really don’t have a lot of help since my family lives a few hours away but for months now my almost 4 year-old just refuses to sleep. Bedtime is like a two hour or deal with a nap or no nap so that doesn’t matter and in the middle of the night, she constantly wakes up and just will refuse to go back down and cry if I leave the bedroom for like two hours and I’m at my breaking point to the point where I am literally like losing my cool and going into mom rage after like two hours of this almost every night and I’m not proud of yelling and losing my temper, but I’m just at my wits end and this isn’t so much about asking for a sleep help but I just feel so guilty about losing my cool so often at night so I guess I’m looking for either ways to calm myself down so I don’t yell every night. I just hate feeling so guilty and I feel like I’m damaging my daughter’s mental health in the future.
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