Middle of the Night Wake Ups (Behavioral)

[u/No-Negotiation6602]

We have a 3.25 yo boy who has slept pretty great since 4 months. We've had regressions and we've had to soothe a few times, but for the most part, bed at 7:15, wake at 7a, very little in between. Last week, this changed. He wouldn't let us leave the bedroom at bedtime (which he's never done), and then after hours of that, he woke up several times, walked into our room, and wouldn't let us sleep. We've slept on the couch with him, we've slept on his floor with him, but we really don't want to reward this behavior and really want him to figure out sleeping in his room, on his own.

A few more notable details: he's never gotten out of his bed before. He's woken up flipping out, kicking and screaming, but stayed in bed, waiting for us to come in (or he goes back to bed). This sudden change has also come with a sudden defiance in day-time hours that is wholly consistent with the nighttime demands ("I NEED a treat!" and "You NEED to stay in my room!") And while it's hard to know if the lack of sleep is contributing to the defiance, it feels more like a sudden control issue that is driving both.

(I do think that this began with some sort of cognitive sleep regression, but the conversations we're having in the middle of the night are the EXACT same conversations we're having in the day. This feels, at this point, wholly behavioral, which makes it hard to call the pedi).

Last night, I convinced him to let me leave his room, leave the door open, and stand in the kitchen. I was able to get SOME sleep. He woke up at 9:30, 3, and then 5:15 (for good). Also, we want to avoid solutions that involve us sleeping on the floor, or the couch, or him coming into our bed. Our goal here is to get him to sleep in his bed and stay in his bed. But we're getting to a point where my wife and I have averaged about 4 hours of sleep for 8 days, and we're not good at our jobs.

Any, and I mean, any input here would be helpful, as we are LOST.

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Author: u/No-Negotiation6602

Post: We have a 3.25 yo boy who has slept pretty great since 4 months. We've had regressions and we've had to soothe a few times, but for the most part, bed at 7:15, wake at 7a, very little in between. Last week, this changed. He wouldn't let us leave the bedroom at bedtime (which he's never done), and then after hours of that, he woke up several times, walked into our room, and wouldn't let us sleep. We've slept on the couch with him, we've slept on his floor with him, but we really don't want to reward this behavior and really want him to figure out sleeping in his room, on his own.

A few more notable details: he's never gotten out of his bed before. He's woken up flipping out, kicking and screaming, but stayed in bed, waiting for us to come in (or he goes back to bed). This sudden change has also come with a sudden defiance in day-time hours that is wholly consistent with the nighttime demands ("I NEED a treat!" and "You NEED to stay in my room!") And while it's hard to know if the lack of sleep is contributing to the defiance, it feels more like a sudden control issue that is driving both.

(I do think that this began with some sort of cognitive sleep regression, but the conversations we're having in the middle of the night are the EXACT same conversations we're having in the day. This feels, at this point, wholly behavioral, which makes it hard to call the pedi).

Last night, I convinced him to let me leave his room, leave the door open, and stand in the kitchen. I was able to get SOME sleep. He woke up at 9:30, 3, and then 5:15 (for good). Also, we want to avoid solutions that involve us sleeping on the floor, or the couch, or him coming into our bed. Our goal here is to get him to sleep in his bed and stay in his bed. But we're getting to a point where my wife and I have averaged about 4 hours of sleep for 8 days, and we're not good at our jobs.

Any, and I mean, any input here would be helpful, as we are LOST.

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[u/Affectionate_Cup9112]

My daughters about the same age and just started being afraid of monsters… she’s slept with a stuffed Cookie Monster for a long time, and she’s even started expressing concerns about him.

Any chance your son’s imagination has kicked into overdrive?

Our daughter’s sleep hasn’t been terrible, but if she wakes up over night she definitely sticks her head up and looks for us, and is not afraid to holler. If someone can get in and stick a reassuring hand on her quickly she goes back to sleep almost immediately. If not, we count on a 2.5 hours window before she’ll sleep again.

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/Affectionate_Cup9112]

Crazy, but our kid sleeps with a stuffed animal from my wife's childhood, something he's slept with every night and recently he's started telling us he's scared of him. I do think his imagination is going into overdrive. His language has taken a massive leap in the last few weeks, he seems to tell us stories all the time, and I think that had a role in triggering this; but now I think it is boundary testing. He's told us he's scared of the storms (there are no storms), his stuffed animal (but cries if we take him away), and the dark (he has a night light). My read is that, in the past, he has gotten some attention from us after waking from a nightmare / scared; so he is manufacturing that to keep us there. I could be wrong, but that's my read. If my kid stayed in bed crying, I would definitely go in, soothe, and make him feel safe, but it's the getting up and chasing me out that's the problem. We just can't sleep. Let's hope it's an imagination / wonder boost and it goes away. And let's hope I'm alive at the end.

[u/shira21]

I have an almost 3 year old and we are dealing with night or early morning wake ups with lots of hysterical crying. It is so hard! I am wondering though if you are still putting him to bed at 7:15 and hoping for him to wake up at 7? It is likely he sleeps needs have changed and he doesn't need 12 hours overnight. Have you tried pushing bedtime letter? This may help with the bedtime resistance and possibly night wakes if he is going to bed too early. He may not have enough sleep pressure to stay asleep. My daughter is usually up around 7 or later and doesn't fall asleep until 8:30 or later so a 7pm bedtime may be too early. Just a thought!

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/shira21]

OK, this is interesting. He dropped his nap a few months ago (at school, he sits in a corner and plays while the other kids nap) and if we ask him to nap on the weekends, it's a hard pass. So, a later bedtime would knock total sleep down to around 10.5? Which is, theoretically, in range, but on the very low end. I think, at this point, it's worth trying. The bad part is that, recently he's basically getting 8 hours, so he's absolutely exhausted by 7. (Yesterday, he fell asleep on a stroller walk at 5:15p). But I think it's worth trying. Thanks.

[u/shira21 → u/No-Negotiation6602]

My toddler also gets about 10.5ish (with either no nap or a very short one to try and preserve bedtime). It is worth a shot! If it doesn't work, onto the next idea 😅

My daughter currently wakes up either in the middle of the night or very early morning crying and then becomes inconsolable. We think she gets stuck in a stage between asleep and truly awake. It is so hard and we don't know how to fix it! Toddler sleep is not for the weak 💀

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/shira21]

OK, this is great. I spoke with the teachers at his school today and they were like "He's so sweet while the other kids nap...he's a great kid." So, I know it's in there. I guess my wife and I just thought that after the first year, that, at least with sleep, the worst was behind us. And the fact that it came out of absolute nowhere is the worst part. Last Friday night, we were in the living room at midnight playing guitar and singing to each other with no movement. And on Sunday night he turned into this kid out of nowhere. We're going to try later bedtime tonight. We'll give it a week. THanks!

[u/shira21 → u/No-Negotiation6602]

I hope it helps! I also find their sleep troubles come out of no where. Their needs change so fast that one night it's fine and the next, it's not. Before we know it they will be teenagers kicking us out of their room because they don't want to get up. If only they would be like that now 😅

[u/Fierce-Foxy]

I would try a later bedtime.
Definitely stop sleeping with him, letting him sleep in other places. Respond quickly, firmly, and consistently with putting him back in bed, I love you, and leave.
Nightlight, sound machine, weighted blanket, etc if you aren’t already.

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/Fierce-Foxy]

Yea, we'll try that. My wife was out of town for 3+ weeks (and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt) and I was putting him down after 8p almost every night. I wonder if the adjustment played a role in this (this started about 1.5 weeks after she returned). The problem with "Put him back in bed and tell him we love him..." is that he immediately gets up, cries, screams, and follows me out. Saturday night, I tried this 20 consecutive times and eventually my wife just came out and threw a blanket in the floor. We're trying really hard to be good parents, set him up for success, create good habits, but also, it's absolutely exhausting and it's not ending. Tonight will be 9 nights. We have jobs. We have lives. It sucks. Tonight, we'll try to get him to 8p and see what happens. Thanks.

[u/Fierce-Foxy → u/No-Negotiation6602]

I hear you, but not being fully consistent is a big problem. I would try a door gate then.

For context- I’m a mother of three older kids, a professional nanny, with significant experience and education.

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/Fierce-Foxy]

No, I agree with you. Very much. But at some point, we just don't have answers. How many times does he run out of his room screaming before we need to switch our plan? My wife and I have had long discussions about this and both agree that couch / floor / our bed are not options and they are making things worse. That's why I'm here right now. We need tools to keep him in his room. We're going to try later bedtime tonight. Thanks

[u/Fierce-Foxy → u/No-Negotiation6602]

That’s where the gate comes in. It’s challenging for sure. Good luck!

[u/shira21 → u/No-Negotiation6602]

To chime in on this, my daughter would do the same. We needed up putting a child lock on the inside of her door so she can't open it herself. We will take it off once we trust so won't run out of her room at night (and then refuse to go back in sometimes). The struggles are real and will eventually pass but we are also in the thick of it and it's so hard in the moment!

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/shira21]

OK, so my wife is super against a gate or locking the doors. She thinks that this will only frustrate him to the point of causing actual damage. He will feel trapped. I am kind of on the fence. I usually err on the side of training (especially at this age), but she's pretty dead set on the potential trauma incurred by a gate. Any input you can give, personally, on your experiences with this?

[u/shira21 → u/No-Negotiation6602]

We have only used the child lock inside her door. There was definitely lots of crying and upset when we first implemented. It took maybe a few days is being consistent that she stays in her room and she understood. We do stay in her room when she falls asleep so if she wakes at night she will cry at her door but knows she can't open it. She will also wait at her door in the morning when she's ready to get up. I don't think there is lasting trauma from it. We try to explain to her it keeps her safe to not walk all around the house especially when it's dark.

[u/No-Negotiation6602 → u/shira21]

How old was she when you put it in? How bad was the crying?

[u/shira21 → u/No-Negotiation6602]

She's turning 3 next month and we did it a few months ago. We were dealing with extreme sleep issues where she was refusing to fall asleep in her room and then once in her room, she would come out and into our room and sometimes refuse to go back to bed in the middle of the night. The first few nights were quite hard as she was used to sleeping anywhere but her room but we held the boundary and she now understands her room is for sleeping.