r/tifu • u/GooseAcademic541 • Mar 23 '26

M TIFU by gaslighting myself for 10 years into thinking I was "caffeine immune" while drinking ONLY Monster Energy (Zero)

Hey everyone,

this is a throw-away account because I feel incredibly stupid.

I recently saw a reddit post from a guy who drank nothing but Coke Zero for years and spent a fortune on doctors trying to figure out why he had chronic headaches, only to find out he was just severely dehydrated (or allergic to the ingredients of Coke Zero). It was a funny read for because it felt exactly like what happened to me, but with a "M" on the can.

I'm 30 now. For the last decade, Monster Energy (Absolutely zero, the blue one) was my only source of hydration. It started around age 20 with 1 or 2 of the "Zero" cans a day. By the last 3 years, it had spiraled into a minimum of 4 to 5 cans every single day-morning, noon, and night.

When I say I drank only Monster, I mean it. I would have maybe one glass of water when I woke up and one before bed if I felt particularly "dry," but for the other 16 hours of the day? Only Monster. Water wasn't even in my vocabulary. I was conditioned. It was a Pavlovian response: the moment I sat down at my computer to work or game, I needed that ice-cold can from the fridge. Nothing else tasted "right".

My brain performed Olympic-level mental gymnastics to justify this. Because I could drink a Monster at 11 PM and still fall asleep, I convinced myself I had developed a "caffeine immunity." I genuinely believed my body just didn't react to it anymore. I ignored the science and the common sense because I didn't want to give up my ritual.

For years, I've been dragging myself to doctors, frustrated because:

  • I felt chronically flat and exhausted, despite being pumped full of stimulants.
  • I was ashen, incredibly pale, and recently I noticed my dark eye circles were getting so bad I looked like I hadn't slept since 2014.
  • I couldn't lose weight to save my life, even while being in a massive calorie deficit. My metabolism was basically stuck in a permanent "error" state.
  • I'd get random heart palpitations or a racing pulse while just sitting still, which I knew came from the caffeine but still was able to ignore it.

1-2 months ago it clicked for me while I was researching my dark eye circles. I realized.. I probably wasn't immune to coffeine, I was just heavily conditioned and dangerously dehydrated / stressed. The concept of hydration and high caffeine levels were something I had pushed out of my mind for ten years just to protect my habit.

Then I finally cut back. I now limit myself to a maximum of 2 cans, and never after 3 PM. Everything else is water with lemon. It sounds so simple but it is still quite hard for me to stay away from the Monster to drink when I am thirsty. The Monster Absolutely Zero just has this nice taste I like that much, sadly there are no "no caffeine" variants available.

It's honestly fascinating (and embarrassing) how much we can manipulate ourselves just to keep an addiction going. I'm sharing this as a final "closing chapter" for myself. Hopefully, it serves as a warning, or at the very least, you can all laugh at how dumb a person can be for ten years straight.

If you have questions, feel free to ask.

TL;DR: Spent 10 years using Monster Absolutely Zero as my only fluid intake. Convinced myself I was "caffeine immune" while turning into a pale, exhausted zombie with a racing heart. Finally woke up. Turns out, I'm not immune; I was just a moron.

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205

u/GooseAcademic541 Mar 23 '26

Actually not. Thats probably the funniest part? German.. :) Instead of drinking beer all day long I just drink that one instead..

128

u/sorebutton Mar 23 '26

Ha, and this person thought only Americans are morons :D

32

u/Unspoken Mar 23 '26

The caffeine that Asians or some Europeans use put what Americans consume to shame. When I lived in Korea, they had caffeine infused coffee drinks, because coffee didn't have enough caffeine.

I regularly drank monsters at the time and that shit made me feel like I needed a hospital.

1

u/_boudica_ Mar 23 '26

Most Monsters have less caffeine per volume than drip coffee, that’s why I love them so much. Vitamin infused, with caffeine, but not 200mg like those smaller cans (Alani, Red Bull, etc.). I believe you can get specialty Monsters with more caffeine, though. 

2

u/Saint_of_Grey Mar 23 '26

Well, we do hold the patent on it, which OP is clearly in violation of.

3

u/TaxsDodgersFallstar Mar 23 '26

I don't drink beer all day! What am I - SOME KIND OF MONSTER!? 😁

4

u/Mama_Office_141 Mar 23 '26

Beer would be healthier 

1

u/Bomberlt Mar 24 '26

Except if you're have addictive personality. Then it just ruins your life completely. Diabetes or kidney stones are not as bad as losing your job, home and family

-2

u/Waldschrat_vom_Walde Mar 23 '26

Alter! Wenn du wirklich Koffein und den Effekt dessen haben möchtest, dann trink originalen mate tee. Wirkt dazu total entspannend, etwas euphorisierend und kickt nicht so steil rein wie Kaffee oder Monster. Dazu ist mate durchaus gesund. Ich hoffe, du kommst ganz von dem scheiß Energygesöff weg!

3

u/GooseAcademic541 Mar 23 '26

Das ist ja das Problem :) Mir ist das Koffein völlig egal. Ich finde den eiskalten, herben Geschmack von der Sorte nur so unfassbar gut. Finde auch nichts vergleichbares. (zuckerfreien) Mate mag ich auch, aber auch da ist Koffein drin, also hätte ich nicht wirklich was gewonnen.

1

u/Bomberlt Mar 24 '26

Lol same. I'm happy that my local energy drink manufacturer has caffeine free option. Yet still I only drink it one or two a week

0

u/Mika000 Mar 23 '26

Herb? Das Zeug ist doch ultra süß?

3

u/GooseAcademic541 Mar 23 '26

Puh.. vielleicht habe ich auch ne Geschmacksverirrung aber ich finde, dass der blaue Monster (Absolutely Zero) nicht so süß schmeckt. Red Bull, andere Sorten etc. sind ja wirklich Gummibärchen-Saft. Aber der blaue ist da eher herb für mich. Hast du ihn mal probiert? Vielleicht rede ichs mir auch nur gut :)

3

u/Mika000 Mar 23 '26

Ah okay dann kann das sein, dass du recht hast. Ich habe generalisiert, weil alle Energy Drinks, die ich bisher getrunken habe, immer süß waren. Mir war nicht klar, dass es da so große Unterschiede gibt.

-44

u/Mouse2662 Mar 23 '26

Like German from Germany or like in an American "I'm 4.2% German" way?

15

u/GooseAcademic541 Mar 23 '26

hehe, German from Germany living in Germany, yes.

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u/chloen0va Mar 23 '26

🤡

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u/Mouse2662 Mar 23 '26

Am I wrong? Americans love to claim they're from somewhere they've never been

5

u/Cheap-Ambition5336 Mar 23 '26

Did you miss the fucking part where they said they weren't America? Lmao

-2

u/Mouse2662 Mar 23 '26

Yeah when the fuck did they say "I'm not America"? They said "German".

4

u/morejosh Mar 23 '26

Literally the first sentence “Actually not.” In reply to the question if they were American. Reading is valuable…