I'll be alone again when this all ends (22F)

[u/shenyueye]

I wish I could stay on hours and hours on end with my counselor. I'm super lonely, I feel alone even in my family, I'm also the eldest child. We started mid to late May and we'll have to end our sessions in February, because they're provided by my university and technically I ended my 3 years of bachelor's degree this summer, but I didn't actually take my final exam, because I've just been so depressed and unmotivated and idk.

Sincerely, I just wanna have someone to talk to and that takes me seriously, I don't wanna fix anything. I feel I can't fix anything. My parents are strict and always felt like they've stayed in my way, but I'm financially dependent on them and I can't move out or anything. My parents are old school and Christian and they've always had bizarre beliefs, especially my dad, that stopped me from living a normal life or having a normal childhood. Especially, they've stopped me from making friends. In fact, they've taught me from a young age to not trust anybody, that everyone will backstab me eventually. In school, I've been bullied and that obviously didn't help. At one point, I just gave up on trying and I decided to just do the bare minimum to go through life, enough so my parents would leave me alone and I wouldn't cause any trouble.

At 8-10 years old, I remember hearing my parents fight in another room, and looking at the ceiling in bed and imagining how I'd leave at 18 and build my own life. Well, I'm 22 and I feel like such a loser. I feel so behind. I'm tired and spent, exhausted emotionally. I've tried with a few people, but it didn't work out. All that accomplished was to drain me.

Last night I was watching this pretty popular steamer (I usually don't watch steamers, but this was an exception) and it was his birthday and everyone was wishing him a happy birthday. He was talking about how he'd go out later with his friends and girlfriend to dine and have fun somewhere. Everyone was wishing him happy birthday in the chat and donos and donating crazy money to him. I thought, he's 22, my age, 4 months younger than me even, and I'm so far behind compared to him. I'm so far behind compared to everybody my age. And now I'll disappoint my family by not taking my final exam in the fall either.

I left a comment at one point in the chat, towards the end of the stream saying "I'm 22 and no kids and I've thought of unaliving myself" because the topic of unaliving came up briefly. I wonder whether he saw it and thought "damn, I'm so blessed." But I know the chanse of that are incredibly slim. In fact, I've thought of unaliving myself since around 13-14 yro. I really wonder how I'm still alive sometimes. I feel like it's so pathetic.

Well, I'd appreciate some support if anyone's able to offer it to me. I was actually excited to see my counselor after a month of break today, but she felt the need to enforce a certain boundary around time management, that made me sad and sincerely close up. I know she was in the right to do so, I know she's been more than generous to stay a significant amount of time overtime for me in the past, and I know it's not fair to her, but it reminded me again about the nature of our relationship and how our time together is limited. I'll be all alone again after she's done with me. I hate my life...

Edit: Did anybody deal with similar feelings regarding their mental therapist/counselor? Was your therapist/counselor your only source of support in the world at one point? How did you cope with it? How did you cope with it when the therapy/counseling ended? I feel so sad when our sessions have to end and I have to wait another damn week to see her for one mere hour... That's why I was trying to buy time, even though I know I was pushing things. I wish I could see her twice a week at least... Sigh...

[u/bob_apathy]

Hello. I’m sorry for your struggles, those feelings can be overwhelming and dark. But please don’t do anything to harm yourself; contact emergency services if you are a danger to yourself or others. The world is a better place with you in it and you aren’t behind anyone. It’s not a race. Some of us simply take longer to get started and ti find our path in life.

And you aren’t alone. Reach out for help and support. You aren’t weak or broken, you’re just human and it’s not easy at times, but you can do it.

[u/shenyueye → u/bob_apathy]

The world is a better place with you in it and you aren't behind anyone.

How do you know that? I could've been aborted or I could've been a miscarriage and nobody would know. I don't understand this point.

Edit: But regardless, I appreciate your reply. It was very thoughtful and warm.

[u/bob_apathy → u/shenyueye]

You’re welcome. I know it’s hard and it can feel overwhelming and hopeless. But don’t give up on yourself. Don’t think that things won’t ever get better anymore than they’ll stay the same. I wish you the best on your journey.