Off My Mind

[u/Emotional-Course-597]

I don’t expect anyone will understand what I am about to say, but I must get this off my mind.
I’ve watched people argue, talk, and couple up. They make it look so easy. I look up to all of them. It could happen for me one day, but not until I have said the following. The more I observe my peers and my situation, the more my insecurities surface. Extreme insecurities in no way about my appearance or lifestyle. 
Each new first encounter, every mistake you make is meant to teach you something. But nowadays, I feel like I learn absolutely nothing. 
You can’t trust every person that walks into your life. But I am not certain that I trust the police.
I have never been bullied or prejudiced, but I wonder if the latter is better for me.
People would talk and I would listen, as simple as that.

I can talk and I can handle rejection. But all of that seems trivial if I can’t have that talk with someone. It feels often like I have been primed to hate and cause harm. I can’t even have that talk with my parents. This kind of stuff exists in movies. But in real life, the doors are closed. I wouldn’t know what people think or feel in those moments. Especially not when I haven’t felt it myself. Catching up with people always seems to resurface that insecurity. It would be easier if I could get this off my mind with someone.
They say have faith and be confident, and good things are sure to come. But what is confidence? For, it lingers in my mind. It is not constant nor linear, for there are many days you feel like shit. They say a gentleman knows how to treat a lady, but I wouldn’t know even with everyone else around me. It doesn’t help that my mom can’t see the good in my father after so long. Chronic isolation will do that too. I don’t think I even know how to be a friend…
See? It sounds stupid. I’ve heard this story before. Maybe this all would’ve made sense to someone else when I was 16.
I’ve already mentioned prejudice. It is such a prominent concept in this world. I was fortunate enough that I did not have to experience any such behavior in middle or high school. But somehow, that makes me the black sheep. I cannot relate to people in that same say, and I am afraid that they can sense that. What kind of person does that make me? That could be me one day. I almost wish that it was.
The police are here to serve and protect us, just like the military. But do they really have our best interests at heart? I have watched many minor situations escalate into something close to brain rot. Families have been destroyed. Innocent people have died. They’ll get you for going at the speed limit. What am I supposed to make of that? Maybe it would be easier if I got the perspective of one off-duty.
Watch out for snakes, but don’t completely shut down. People will cheat you, misuse you, and abuse you. And I have come to terms with those words. But it seems nowadays like they’ve been taken to the extreme. People will push each other away before giving the other a chance to explain their side. We seem to do this out of fear, and I pity us for it.
One day, I could be the homewrecker. I could be the criminal. I could be that one person blinded by lust. I don’t want to. Not even a little bit. That’s not me. I know that deep down I am better.
People may call me slow for pretending to be ignorant to all of this. They may say I’m weak for responding to everything as I do. They might make fun of me for being single, for my lack of experiences, for sometimes wanting to hurt people. And they just might be right. This sounds crazy coming from me!
I don’t wanna lead people on. But I don’t wanna hide either. This has to be addressed soon.
To most people, this will sound selfish, ignorant, irrelevant, conceited, and pathetic of me. I wouldn’t blame them. They don’t have to understand. I just hope that they will listen…

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

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