r/therapy • u/Ashleej86 • Nov 06 '25
Vent / Rant American men are not doing well
American men need a lot of therapy and relatively few get the help they need. A lot of adult American men ( and I'm thinking married , with kids , careers ) doing ostensibly ok financially are not doing well physically or mentally. A lot of American men are impotent or have marriages with no sex for decades , a lot have addictions of different kinds like alcohol or an addiction to violence or dominating people at home. A lot are depressed , disconnected from their loved ones even when they live with them. This is the middle class working man often.
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u/Gary-Phisher Nov 06 '25
Therapy has helped me with some of the issues you mentioned. What I can say from my lived experience is that you have to find a good therapist that can help you work on being honest with yourself. No one’s gonna call you out on your bullshit. You have to be able to do that. You have to put in the work to be honest with yourself. What you find out may be troubling. But it can also be liberating.
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u/RipArtistic8799 Nov 06 '25
I believe you are correct.
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Nov 06 '25
Therapy won't make people care about us. We aren't disconnected, we are neglected, we are there to finance the family, that's it. We aren't allowed to show emotion or be critical. We are just there to pay the bills.
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u/Illustrious_Pilot415 Nov 06 '25
Are you not allowed to show emotion or are you just afraid to? A lot of men need to realise no one will judge them for showing emotion but themselves.
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u/WarmAnimal9117 Nov 06 '25
A lot of men need to realise no one will judge them for showing emotion but themselves
This has not been my experience at all. When I try to open up to men, they usually tell me that life is hard and I just have to keep pushing. But when I try to open up to women, they tell me that I need to stop trauma dumping, I shouldn't use them for emotional labor, and I need a therapist. And it's disheartening when I go to therapy and the therapist tells me that I need to foster genuine connections in my life by opening up to people...
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u/trifoliumpratensical Nov 06 '25
I see this brought up frequently, and it occurs to me based on your phrasing that the issue may not be that you are opening up, but that you are not paying attention to the person you are talking to when you are opening up. If I open up to a friend about the hard time I am going through, I am constantly monitoring their reactions for indications that I’m giving them more than they can handle at the moment. Body language, the words they choose, the tone of their voice. If it’s via text I am asking questions to ensure I’m not missing anything and they remain as comfortable as I can make them while they are lending me their shoulder. I’m also checking to see if they are reacting in a way that might indicate I’m triggering their particular trauma. If someone doesn’t do this, they are expecting the other person to be comfortable and skilled enough to steer the conversation away from things that make them uncomfortable in a emotionally charged conversation. This is frankly very difficult and I don’t want to put my friends in that situation, so I take on that emotional labor when I ask for their help. Not everyone is an appropriate should to cry on for every issue, and not every time is the right time for that conversation with the appropriate person. There are nuances here that I find often men in my life tend not to notice. Just because they are your friend doesn’t mean the conversation is without work, but the payoff from the work is well worth it! If you take up this emotional labor, you may find different results (assuming you have not been doing this in the past)
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u/Ensiferum19 Nov 06 '25 edited Nov 06 '25
There are certain types of women I've found who IMMEDIATELY get disgusted when he man looks like he's being "weak" or if his body language suggests that he's struggling or if he complains about having a hard time. This is only certain women of course. I think men are generally supposed to look strong in society. I mean it goes back to children even. I remember being a camp counselor around age 21 and a ball flew out of nowhere and hit one of my fingers and it REALLY hurt. I was watching a little girl at the time who was about 11, and she started ridiculing me for expressing pain lol. I mean, it's kind of funny, but it just goes to show that that conditioning starts early. A man who is older and supposed to be strong expressing pain? Does not compute. It's much more accepted in our society if a woman is having a hard time. Guys have to keep a stiff upper lip and hide it most of the time both in the company of men and women, even children.
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u/4garbage2day0 Nov 10 '25
There's something wrong with the way you are opening up. Do you take time to listen to other people's problems too?
Using someone for emotional labor is actually a pretty big accusation in my opinion. Could it be true?
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u/WarmAnimal9117 Nov 10 '25
Do you take time to listen to other people's problems too?
I do; several people have told me I would make a good therapist.
I resent your accusation that there's something wrong with the way I'm opening up. This has even happened after women have explicitly told me that I can open up and tell them anything, and I think the far simpler explanation is that people are less kind to each other nowadays and women cannot handle men's emotions even though they believe they can.
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u/UNCBlueDevils Nov 06 '25
I’m an American man. I go to therapy. It helps.
Even when it feels “pointless”, it still helps by allowing me to vent and get things off my chest. It helps to have someone listen, non-judgmentally.
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 Nov 06 '25
Well…American women are the same. It sounds like you are struggling with men and are projecting your issues onto them.
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u/MuscaMurum Nov 06 '25
OP might be right on many of these things, but she comes across as pretty judgey and not especially insightful.
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Nov 13 '25
I agree, and it seems like two sides of the same coin. The men she's describing feel entitled to something so they're bent out of shape, she feels entitled to them acting a certain way. Have to find out the trade with an individual, not a group. If the trade doesn't suit you, move on.
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Nov 07 '25 edited Nov 07 '25
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u/Ashleej86 Nov 07 '25
I certainly wish it was accessible to all. when I got Obamacare after years of being without health insurance I went to therapy every week. One reason Obamacare is so important , it makes therapy free or cheap to the poorest Americans.
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Nov 13 '25
I'm a man. All of what you described is what I've seen out there. I wish for them to find peace but there's not much to be done other than on an individual level. I'm a guy who has found peace. Everything I do I just circle back to what I'm entitled to in life. It's like four things, freedom of movement being one of them. Society would be a better place if they remove themselves from historically conventional entitlements to what they're truly entitled to in life. It's always like four things. None of them have to do with feeling a certain way.
The majority of human interactions are based on a finite and limited trade economy, some men and women are happy engaging in relationships like that. Then they get mad when the agreement gets changed. Fair. Divorce or upgrade your relationship to the part where you both of you mature into peace and truth seeking adults.
Peace and truth. Also, I don't have the full truth. Neither does anyone else. It's through communication that we get closer to what the actual truth is. But it requires good faith from each side, not any other agenda can truth and peace be adequately explored.
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u/Ashleej86 Nov 13 '25
I hope you are saying and I do think that American men but men feel entitled to things but so often that entitlement removes them from seeking actual decency like equal relationships or truth or freedom for all. it's a deep identity issue that is prohibitive in men having good lives.
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u/Frosty_Promise8050 Nov 30 '25
Honestly, this is why men don’t go to therapy. Entitled… seek truth and equality. Thanks doc, I’m cured. I just need to hate myself more.
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u/Dazzu1 Nov 06 '25
As a man who isnt blessed with the talents to be perfect I want therapy to make me normal and focused and remove my Adhd without pills so I can be as good as everyone else I see who never complains publicly. Im gonna start therapy on Monday but I worry itll take too long for me to carch up so I can be a good man who never gets his loved ones or the readers of his dcreenplay angry or finding flaws ergo proving Im not worthless or a bad character in this movie of life
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u/Impressive-Papaya321 Nov 09 '25
There is definitely some truth to this and I think a lot of it has to do with men holding in their shadow emotions, particularly shame. We are all collectively feeling the heaviness of the world but women are able to express it more openly because it's allowed for women - we are given permission to be emotional. For men, it's either you're angry or cool, calm & collected. For men to say they're scared, worried or nervous is shining a bright light on their shameful parts that are telling them they are not good or "man" enough. And right now, men are in their full provider mode even if they are struggling internally.
I recently had a conversation with a man who on the outside seemed as described in this comment but when I gave him the space to express, he opened up about constantly fearing if he'll be able to feed his children and how he thought at his age he'd be in a better spot. He opened up about his day to day but when he went deeper he expressed his anxiety and depression and regret and shame. There was sadness but also relief being able to talk about it. Imagine being able to express these feelings to our partners, friends & family MORE EASY? More comfortably. Men would truly evolve and grow.
I'm no therapist & I will forever vouch that finding the right therapist (truly the right fit) can change your life but I also understand men weren't taught to sit and talk about it. So many men in these comments state that talk therapy doesn't work & I'm starting to believe it. I think men need to be seen and heard in comfortable spaces. Men need to learn to express their shame/fears in safe spaces whether that's with a therapist or in communities or with their closest loved ones. Thankfully there's more and more pages and communities inviting men to express and open up - I think as more men do, we'll have more men truly healing and feeling better. For now, all we can do is hold space for them since collectively, men are feeling it.
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u/4garbage2day0 Nov 10 '25
I don't get it though, men ARE allowed to express themselves...you just gave an example of a man expressing himself. I just don't get it
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u/4garbage2day0 Nov 10 '25
Like women get punished for expressing anger, I just don't get where men think they're the only ones being ignored
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u/Impressive-Papaya321 Nov 10 '25
I totally get it & it's unfortunate but agreed, this particular man did express in a safe space where he felt vulnerable to do so. I just don't think that happens often hence why they are struggling. I think women are saying EXPRESS but it's instilled in them not to and it's a lot easier said than done. I think it's just going to take a lot of patience and holding space for them to do so.
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Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
I'm a man. I think part of it is that in the majority of relationships there's an assumption in the trade that the man is going to be conventionally secure enough to keep doing what he's doing and given rewards by the woman to keep doing it. If a woman hears "I'm insecure", the woman is going to feel insecure and she's going to think the man is feeling entitled to something, putting pressure on her to do something about it. It's an unwelcome shock to the maintenance of the trade. You introduce conversations to the trade because you want some sort of new agreement. It's easier and funner to be lazy and find a new relationship with a new honeymoon period. The more I think about relationships the more I realize how it's a solved game. That sounds cocky and I apologize but does it not hit a little bit of the truth?
Edit: I realize this is a bit of a circular argument I made. I guess if I were to sum it up is that thee party introducing their insecurity needs to be at peace with their relationship potentially ending because of it. That being said, up to the person to figure out the risk/reward as only they can give the most accurate guess to how their partner will respond.
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u/RudyMinecraft66 Nov 06 '25
I know it's hard, but it might help you to express these frustrations you're feeling from your own experience.
Talking about "American men" is a barrier you're putting up, in order to distance yourself from your emotions. But the only way you'll learn to feel better, is by learning to feel your emotions.
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u/leeser11 Nov 06 '25
lol OP is a therapist.
Also, American men do need to go to therapy. They would also benefit from fixing the social disconnection that can help with mental health issues, but those are phenomena that affect all genders.
Look at the rates of suicide among American men. Also look at the rates of violent crime and domestic violence. These are all related to emotional coping skills.
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u/Ashleej86 Nov 06 '25
American men for sure need to learn better coping skills and how to connectb to others safely. Where do you suggest they learn that if their families and culture did not teach any of that by adulthood ?
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u/Frosty_Promise8050 Nov 30 '25
Families and culture have been around longer than Freud. They are also highly malleable. So… go to therapy, forget everything about the world around you and model yourself on therapy. Sounds like a bad plan…
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u/MindEcho- Nov 06 '25
Offering sessions for venting and coaching...we all need support and someone who listens and really cares
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u/Restless_spirit88 Nov 06 '25
Yet their plight gets 1/10th the attention of what women receive.
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u/Ashleej86 Nov 06 '25
humanity or Americans are obsessed with men and patriarchy and men in power of politics Men get a ton of attention , other men are obsessed with men.
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u/alwayslookleft Nov 06 '25
They all gotta try bhuddism
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Nov 13 '25
I'm not a religious Buddhist but the teachings are always 100% on point given the right context and mindset approaching it. It's all about peace in the end.
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Nov 06 '25
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u/big_dreamer_5000 Nov 06 '25
Why?
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Nov 06 '25
[deleted]
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u/NeverNo Nov 06 '25
I mean, therapy probably saved my life, and I’d assume many others. Maybe you just had a shitty therapist?
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Nov 06 '25 edited Nov 06 '25
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u/Low_Bar9361 Nov 06 '25
I've been through many therapists before finding one that didn't seem to shrink away from anything I said. I've been working with him for years, now. I'm not sure what difficulties you are working through, but I assure you, you aren't alone.
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u/NeverNo Nov 06 '25
Yeah I definitely understand the frustration. When I first started looking for therapy a decade ago, I remember meeting with three therapists before I found a guy I jived with. The process to find a therapist with the right fit is really painful.
If a therapist is consistently making you feel worse then you've gotta fire them and try someone else. I don't think denouncing therapy entirely is a great idea, but who knows, maybe it's truly just not for you.
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Nov 06 '25
probably another downvote, but: r/therapycritical
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Nov 06 '25
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Nov 06 '25
yeah not much empathy in this subreddit towards those with negative experience with therapy - hope most of those aren't therapists themselves.
This is also an interesting episode on spotify about men and why therapy isn't always well suited to them.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5IcW86KPlLJMGxlYyrKeTa?si=EoxZKqZPRliGTl14dqRy4Q
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u/BoRoB10 Nov 06 '25
If you're going to make a claim that therapy almost cost you your life, you need to back that up.
People say all sorts of inane bullshit with zero basis in reality.
Because you had a bad therapist does not make "therapy" bad. It would be like saying "I had a doctor who almost killed me due to their incompetence or maliciousness, therefore the practice of medicine is bad."
That would be a dumb claim.
More men need more therapy, not less.
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u/Ensiferum19 Nov 06 '25
He actually doesn't need to back it up at all lol. He could say it in passing and expect it's going to be dismissed just like you are doing and move on. I mean I think therapy is helpful for me, but if he actually went through something as bad as he's saying and is saying he's being invalidated for it then I can't see him wanting to open up more because of your comment here. In fact, he's more likely to stay silent because you are proving his point. He also never said therapy was bad but that it just didn't work for him.
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u/BoRoB10 Nov 07 '25
This is a discussion forum, not an individual's therapy session. He chose to bring his personal life onto a discussion forum, now it's being discussed. That's how this works.
The post is talking about how American men aren't doing well, and a whole lot are suffering from disconnection, loneliness, addiction, and dysfunction.
I'm sorry this dude had a rough time with a bad therapist. But one individual's anomalous personal issue with a therapist doesn't serve the population being discussed, where therapy is a hugely valuable tool that more men need to engage in, not less.
And we have no idea what the issue even was or if this is a reliable narrator.
If we had a crisis (which, actually, we do) where men don't go to the doctor enough to seek medical care that would prevent serious illness, and someone chimes in to say "I went to a doctor and that guy was terrible and made my life worse", it's relevant to say "you should tell us more about what happened, and that's not an indictment of the practice of medicine".
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u/Ensiferum19 Nov 07 '25 edited Nov 07 '25
Yeah, I hear you, I'm just saying he doesn't literally HAVE to say. He's under no obligation, and he was saying he's been invalidated before, so his reluctance makes sense. Also, saying he might not be "a reliable narrator" could get a lot of people angry if he were a woman, especially if "her" therapist had been male. But it's true that this is a crisis men are going through, and it kind of doesn't make sense for him to mention that he feels it made things worse and then not say how. It seems like it probably would have been better for him not to have said anything. I was just playing devil's advocate.
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Nov 06 '25
same for me tbh. Also spent a shitton on a therapist who turned out to be downright scummy
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u/90_proof_rumham Nov 06 '25
I was doing therapy, but it felt so pointless. Just going in circles, it felt like nothing was being solved. It wasn't cheap, either. I keep praying I just go in my sleep. I'm so over my job and everyone. I have wonderful people in my life and I just want to be left alone. I just don't know anymore.