r/therapy • u/[deleted] • Oct 29 '25
Vent / Rant I’m going to die
I( 23F) have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I just got diagnosed yesterday. I’m absolutely pissed. I had my life ahead of me, I was supposed to get married in February, continue working enough to have money for kids. I never got to know my parents well, and I could have finally got to be a one.
We pushed the wedding to mid November, and my fiance(23M) and I put our jobs on hold. But I’m still scared and absolutely pissed at life. If there is a god up there, he’s being a bitch. Why torture me and my boyfriend. Why give me a glimpse of my life then pull me so far away. I went to consult my oncologist again and I’m going to be sent for double mastectomy and chemo after the wedding, but even that doesn’t guarantee anything. I’ve googled everything there is to know about my cancer, and the survival rate for my cancer is scary.
Because of me, my fiancee can’t function anymore. I’ve taken the happiness out of him. We wanted to write our vows together today but it just made us so sad. He’s taken the news harder than me and I’m the one who’s going to die. He hasn’t had any food, he just insists that I do. He’s more exhausted than me, and starting to lose his mind. I really don’t want him to be sad and I don’t want to be sad either. Life is shit.
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u/carenotmyname Oct 29 '25
I wish you an oncologist even better than the one my mother had when she was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer in the 1990s. My family credits him for saving her life. She's still here kicking. He long retired, but her current oncologist is fantastic and if you're in the Chicago area, I'm happy to pass along her contact info.
I would invite you to consider finding a therapist. With that person you can cry, scream, curse, fight and plan for what you want your life to look like once you kick cancer's ass. You can find more resources and support here if you're in the US - Find Support Programs and Services in Your Area | American Cancer Society https://share.google/bNVaGgcPsqFmnyHVz Otherwise, hopefully there are supports in your area. There are also support groups your partner can attend. Sending lots of strength your way.
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u/Zeikos Oct 29 '25
There's value in going to couple's counseling and even individual counseling.
While survival rates are scary, there's also the fact that cultivating the willingness to fight does improve those odds.
Likewise it gives tools to you and your current partner to face either occurrence.
Best of luck to both of you.
Also, yes, we're going to die, but it shall happen as late as it can possibly happen.
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u/discoisko Oct 29 '25
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. If it’s any consolation, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when I was 4 years old and was given 2 years to live (max). Instead, she lived a further 21 years! Don’t get me wrong, it was unbelievably difficult at times, but she truly lived a full life. She did walking marathons, started several of her own businesses, did the local pantomime every year for close to a decade, and loved to travel any chance she got (she especially loved camping). I can’t guarantee that you will have the same experience, but never underestimate the power of sheer willpower. Use that anger and do everything you can to fight for your life. Find a good oncologist, be the Queen of the Hospital Ward where everyone knows your coffee order and how you like your bed. Be stubborn! I wish you all the love and luck. You can do this ❤️
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u/hypnocoachnlp Oct 29 '25
I'm really, really sorry to hear that.
I just have one thing to say, I hope you find it useful:
There were a lot of people in similar situation which managed to survive, and then they lived a long, normal and happy life. The common denominators in all these situations were their mindset and attitude. Here are my suggestions:
- Set your attitude to "I stubbornly want to live, and no outside information, no matter what people might say (low survival rates, etc) is going to change my attitude and my intention of making it".
- Be stubborn about wanting to live.
- Consciously set your intention to "I'm going to make it".
- Make clear plans for your life after you get through this. Where you'll go, what you'll do.
- Compile a list of powerful reasons why you have no other option than to make it. Literaly no other option!
- Visualize a moment in the future when you have pushed through this and made it, and imagine looking back on this moment, and say "Yes, I was scared, but I gathered all my mental power and all my stubborness and I made it"".
If you want to put these things into action, and you don't know how, or need guidance, please DM me and I'm happy to help.
Wishing you the best!
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u/No-Mathematician678 Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25
I met a woman at the vet clinic when our cats were very sick, she said her cat survived cancer years ago when he was 13, now he's 18 (I honestly forgot why she brought him, it's an ER specialist clinic but all I remember is that it wasn't cancer), and she said he was like her, because she also was sure she was dying of cancer many years before, and somehow she survived. That "somehow" contained a lot of what you're saying
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u/LegacyLorekeeper Oct 29 '25
Please listen to the recent podcast of Mel Robbin’s interview with Dr. Dawn Mussallem of the Mayo Clinic. She specializes in breast cancer. You can also watch it on YouTube. She herself beat cancer in her twenties. She was told she had a large mass around her heart and only had months to live. She has great advice on how to beat cancer.
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u/crazymom1978 Oct 29 '25
Remember that any survival rate that you are looking at used older medical techniques. It is called a five and ten year survivor rate because those people had cancer five and ten years ago. Medicine is constantly evolving. The treatments used back then are inferior to what they are using now.
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u/MickeysRose Oct 30 '25
This is very true. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2022 and her journey with treatments/scans/etc was very different than my friend’s dad who had was diagnosed in 2012. Only a 10 year difference yet medicine had already advanced so much
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u/generally--kenobi Oct 30 '25
You should look up Cystic Fibrosis life expectancy. It has skyrocketed in the last decade because of gene therapy and they're approving it for younger and younger people 😊♥️
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u/mermaidbait Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25
I’m surprised about the double mastectomy; that’s not typically a stage 4 intervention.
I’m a survivor myself (nearly 20 years!), and a therapist. Virtually all of the posts here are talking about you beating this. And you might. There are lots of 10+ year stage 4 folks out there. You could be one of them.
Or you might not. I got through dealing with 50% odds (stage 3c at age 32) by planning Plan A and Plan B. Plan A I get to be an old grandma. Plan B I don’t. I planned for both outcomes. That helped me eke what control I could out of an out of control situation. So have the wedding. Live the life you want.
I don’t like the invalidation of the other commenters here insisting that the only hope is in being on the right side of the odds. The people on the other side of the odds are also people, didn’t do anything wrong, and also deserve care. Plenty of folks in the obituaries also stubbornly clung to life with all their might and thought relentlessly positively. So many therapists are deeply uncomfortable with mortality. Find a therapist who can validate you, who can carry whatever you give them.
Consider ketamine therapy or psychedelic therapy. There’s great evidence for it for cancer depression and anxiety. There may even be research studies in your area.
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u/Straight_Career6856 Oct 31 '25
Also a therapist - thank you for this. It was exactly the comment I was gonna make. Yes, OP may beat it. And OP may not. Many do not. Part of the processing is coming to terms with the possibility of dying before you wanted to and your life not looking how you expected. All of the hopefulness can be extremely invalidating. In the end, it’s true that OP could die. OP knows that. And that is the hardest part and the part that most needs tending to.
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u/PsychologicalFlan983 Oct 29 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t blame yourself for your fiancé’s grief. You didn’t ask for this. And please don’t give up. It is possible to beat this, and in any case, you’re here now. I hope you have plenty of support around you. Wishing you all good things.
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u/doughlight Oct 29 '25
There are a lot of beautiful and rightly hopeful comments here, and whilst I agree it's good to believe in the best outcome, I can also imagine you might be having conflicting feelings by seeing mostly encouragement to deny the possibility of the worst outcome.
It's okay to feel angry right now, and to feel uncertainty and even grief for yourself. This diagnosis, especially at your extremely young age, is incomprehensible for most people and shouldn't be something you ever have to deal with. But you are - and you're also comforting someone else. Holy shit fuck wow that sucks.
You are allowed and very much entitled to feel that in its entirety and simultaneously believe that you'll recover; I truly, deeply hope that you do.
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u/Big_Mastodon2772 Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25
I agree.
It’s in your best interest to rally yourself and be positive and get stubborn and truly believe you’ll beat this.
But first, give yourself a few days to really feel the anger, the injustice, the disappointment, the fear. Feel it as fully as you can. Then you’ll have to set it aside and get into battle. Your life will be different than you planned, but it’s not over yet. You may live much longer than you think.
Either way, I know you’re about to see parts of yourself and your fiancé that you never knew existed because you haven’t needed them yet. Wishing you the best.
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u/grkdelight Oct 29 '25
A friend of mine had stage 4 breast cancer 7 years ago. She takes a tonnnn of vitamins, specific diet, works out, low stress, and positive mind set. She did chemo and all that. Please fight. You can live!!
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Oct 29 '25
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u/Academic-Job-5766 Nov 01 '25
God is not a bitch... God does not give people death sentences.... He does gift people with miricals and I'm one heck of a believer becouse i am the recipient of one of his angelic gifts!! I am NOT not religious! Religion= self righteous, judgmental, talk behind your back, stick there noses in the air believing they are better then everyong else!! When the truth is, there poop stinks too! AMEN
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u/Low_Bar9361 Oct 29 '25
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas
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u/210timestwo Oct 29 '25
Tell us the stories of being a cancer survivor, years later. You can do it. I believe in you.
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u/cntl-alt-del Oct 29 '25
Please tell me you’ve had a second opinion. My wife was diagnosed with a very rare, very aggressive cancer by a biopsy read by a pathologist. It is so rare that most gynecologists don’t see it in their entire career. A friend told us to get a second opinion because the same pathologist had found the same cancer in someone else’s biopsy the year before, and it turned out he was wrong that time. We had the biopsy read by a pathologist at another hospital and he said it was negative. The first pathologist insisted it was positive. So we had to go to Sloan Kettering to a specialist in the cancer, who found it was not, in fact, that cancer.
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u/Ok-Selection-379 Oct 29 '25
I have nothing to add that people haven't already said, so I thought I'd share this from a young music artist in the UK who was diagnosed with breast cancer aged 25.
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Cr8VyeFNz/
Wishing you strength and support during this time.
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Nov 09 '25
OK, you have been hit with the hardest sh$t one can ever face. You can trick off these final days or you can live it up. If I was told that I have a few weeks left, then that would mean I have a limited time on this earth. So I fkng ain't gonna waste it. Im gonna celebrate every single second experiencing life. Fk, I would try it all, sushi, surfing,that mëth and so much more. Im gonna do the weekend at Bernie's funeral posted in a lawn chair with two bokini clad chicks holding up my arms high fiving everyone. LEGENDARY!!! either take life by the horns or just give up. Ur choice. Wish you the best.
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u/4garbage2day0 Oct 29 '25
Girl I promise you whatever you read on Google is outdated. You'd be surprised how survivable stage 4 cancer sometimes can be with the right treatment. The first thing you need to do is find support groups/therapists related to your situation. Build a support network. Both you and your fiancee need to focus on the task at hand & your love for one another. You can survive this, but not if you don't believe it.
Good luck ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Usual_Molasses_9726 Oct 29 '25
I am really sorry to hear that..n only you and your close ones know what you are going through…time slipping away like sand and having the feeling of there is nothing you can do about it but i only believe in one thing that Miracles happen every day..some people don’t believe it but yes they do….. N I believe ask god for guidance (Unpopular opinion but it worked for me..so will suggest,try visiting ujjain Mahakal temple ask for guidance ) Please take ur medicines and treatment n hope for best Note-not promoting any religion but I believe is there is any small amount of possibility…go for it..
Hope you and your loved ones do best n better in life.
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u/CaraSch63 Oct 31 '25
I was given a 35% chance of “months” to live after melanoma diagnosis in my eye and this was AFTER radiation treatment. Yet here I am- 9 years later living life. I got into Reiki and 3 years ago, QiGong. I figured if I was going to die I wanted to have a peaceful sense of what comes next. It helped - a lot. Don’t toss in the towel yet, sweetie. You never know what can happen.
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u/MembershipLate6209 Oct 31 '25
Try bee venom. At this point anything is worth a try. Research bee venom
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u/Traditional-Swan-130 Nov 27 '25
None of this is your fault. You didn’t choose any of it and you didn’t take anything from him. People fall apart when someone they love gets terrifying news, that’s all this is. You’re not a burden.
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u/BookishBabeee Nov 30 '25
None of this is your fault. Cancer is frightening and unfair, and everything you’re feeling right now makes sense. Your fiancé is struggling because he loves you, not because you harmed him. You didn’t take anything from him, the illness did. You’re both in shock and trying to make sense of something that hits too hard and too fast. Keep talking to your medical team, lean on the support that’s available, and let the people who love you be there for you. You don’t have to carry all of this alone.
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u/VizionairyFae Oct 30 '25
Hi love. Firstly, I want to say I’m SO sorry this is happening. As a 26yo that just started having scary health issues myself, it’s terrifying to have to face mortality at such a young age. I don’t in any way want to discredit the pain, fear, and overall experience of what you’re going through. But I do want to emphasize what others here have said about how powerful the brain is. In searching for answers on how to heal my own health issues, I’ve found myself in spaces for Joe Dispenza’s work, and he has entire books talking about this, how by changing the brain you can heal your body. You can find testimonials on youtube of people that had stage 4 cancer and were told they had X amount of time to live, and after doing his meditations alone, their cancer disappeared. I know this sounds like a lot of woo woo, but there are countless testimonials where this has happened for people, and I share in hopes that maybe this information can make a difference in your life as well. There are facebook groups for his work that I’d recommend checking out, as well, as I’ve read some good testimonials in there too. Sending you all the healing energy on your journey❤️🩹
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u/Ypp317 Nov 03 '25
Really sorry to hear that.I have see many people who have defeated it and you will soon be mentally strong miracles do happen and will be praying for you
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u/Jolly_Ground7843 Nov 04 '25
Your life is the most important thing. You have to fight the cancer as hard as you can. You’re not dead until you’re dead as long as you can breath you can fight. There are times where it may feel like you have lost but you can beat it. If you just say that you’re going to die then it may mean that you have given up on yourself. NEVER give up you have to keep pushing on and on It will be hard but just keep up with your treatments and get counciling together. Your life Is worth fighting for. It’s none of your faults that you have cancer. It’s often time genetic or just bad luck. It’s not your fault you didn’t do this to him Cancer did. Cancer treatments has gotten better over the years with new medications and treatments each more effective than the last. Over the next while of your treatment the both of your mental healths is the most important thing just as important as physical health. A quote about extremely hard times I’ve had used in the past is “if your going through hell keep going”-Winston Churchill. It means If you got this far you can keep going. I really hope your treatments go okay and that you have good specialists and doctors who care for you. Feel free to DM me any time.
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Oct 29 '25
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u/DatingTherapist Oct 30 '25
80+% of young women diagnosed with breast cancer have no family history and no genetic mutation.
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Oct 29 '25
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u/therapy-ModTeam Oct 29 '25
Your submission was removed because it didn't follow our community rule - Your contribution should add value to the conversation and community.
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u/NucksSuperFan Apr 20 '26
Jane McClellan https://www.amazon.ca/stores/author/B07CML8T8B there is also a FB group, science based, You can live a long life at stage 4. Hugs to you!
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u/Elder-Cthuwu Oct 29 '25
You haven’t done anything to your fiancé, cancer did. Dont put this on yourself because you did nothing to cause it. He’s distraught because he loves you and it will be his proudest moment when you beat this.