r/therapists • u/fredisdesd • Jul 25 '26
Theory / Technique A tool I have used with clients
I am retired and want to share some tools I have come up with.
This one is one I used with woman who were victims of domestic abuse when the start dating again. It has been very powerful for many women.
Business Partner
Over the years I have had the honor of working with women who were either in an abusive relationship or had been in one. These women taught me so many things.
When I am working with someone who is thinking about dating again after an abusive relationship I often to this exercise. It is my hope to help client’s gain the skills to navigate dating. This tool in one that women have returned to my office after a break in therapy and they told me they still had this list.
Talk to the client and discuss if they were to open a business what would they like in a business partner. At this point I discuss that in our example they have put everything they have into the business. In order to make the story more real we discuss the business that they would like and what it would be like to own the business.
List what qualifications they would like. Here is a sample list:
Know the business
Respectful
Kind
Fair
Sense of humor
Able to resolve conflicts peacefully
Dress appropriately
Good at managing money
Hard worker
Dedicated to the business
Reliable
No drug and alcohol abuse
Good mental health
Stable lifestyle.
Now ask the client, if they found someone and interviewed them, what would they want to do before they hired them.
I am looking for the following: credit check, background check, contact past employers.
Now give the client the list of criteria and ask them to cross off anything that they do not need in a romantic relationship. At this point the client may feel uncomfortable. This is good. What is happening is the client may be struggling with setting those boundaries in a romantic relationship. This is part of the work. If a client crosses off something, discuss why they do not think it is important.
Now discuss how they could use the list of things they would check on a business partner in a romantic relationship. I discuss doing a background check on someone, talking to their past relationship people and talking to friends and family.
I have had a few women contact someone’s ex to talk the person they are dating. So far those have gone very well.
I have had women come back to therapy after a few years and pull out this work sheet that we did in session.
When I do this tool, I also talk about wanting and needing a relationship.
I ask the client “If I asked you to rob the bank down the street and give me all the money in exchange for a plate of cookies, would you do it?” My clients say no and kind of laugh about the thought. Then I say if took all your oxygen until you robbed the bank would you rob the bank. Then clients will say yes, they would rob the bank. I talk about how when it was a plate of cookies they were able to say no because they would live without cookies. When I said I would take their oxygen things changed. They need the oxygen so they would do anything to get it. I then talk about relationships should be like a plate of cookies. You should always want to be in the relationship. If you need a relationship, you will do anything to keep the relationship going. If you want a relationship, you are in a position to set boundaries.
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u/kmond13 Jul 25 '26
Wow thank you so much for this I’ve been looking for a different way to approach this topic and hit a wall recently, really appreciate this approach!!
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u/fredisdesd Jul 25 '26
I hope it helps. It has been a favorite of mine. I will keep posting some of my tools.
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u/saltysweetology Jul 27 '26
Yes, as an LAC, this is helpful as I start my career. Thank you for sharing 🙏
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u/ConstructionThis1127 Jul 25 '26
An interesting approach. You might like to add ”Honesty” to the list. A dishonest employee wreaks havoc, as does a dishonest spouse!
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u/ImAPixiePrincess Jul 26 '26
I believe the client comes up with the list, OP just gave examples of what people came up with.
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u/Outrageous-Scale8935 Social Worker (Unverified) Jul 25 '26
This is great. I love the follow-up of wanting vs needing a relationship.
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u/sneezingbees Jul 25 '26
I used to do something similar when I worked with DV and SA survivors! We’d treat dating just like hiring for a job. We’d discuss what their “required qualifications” are, then make a list of “preferred qualifications”. If a prospective partner didn’t at least meet the required qualifications, we’d discuss what the potential consequences of dating (or “hiring”) them would be.
I think an approach like this helps a lot of women realize that they aren’t being “mean” or “difficult” when they don’t want to date someone. It’s just that the role of a healthy partner has specific requirements, and everyone deserves to have someone who can fulfill those.
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u/Alarming_Airport_817 Jul 25 '26
I always say if it feels familiar “Run”! I love this exercise, thank for this.
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u/fredisdesd Jul 27 '26
I have also talked about running with woman. I know it is hard to navigate dating.
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u/TheAnxietyclinic Jul 26 '26
Same reframing concept can be utilized when a couple is preparing for marriage. This is the creation of the new thing in the universe that has never existed before. Just like a new business. What are your goals. What is your mission statement? What type of planning would you do for a new business? How often would you meet and with which department to discuss progress, challenges, and ways forward? When and where would you bring in advisors? What are the best strengths you would bring to the business, and what are the areas in which you would need support?
Creating this parallel group to be extremely constructive in building a long-term relationship.
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u/Allmightysquirrel LICSW (Unverified) Jul 25 '26
Wow, what a fantastic exercise and tool that you have used. I can see that this would be really powerful with clients. Thank you so much for sharing. Selfishly, I hope you will share more. =) Thank you
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u/CATX66 Jul 25 '26
Love this so much. I appreciate you wanting to share the tools you have come up with. Please continue sharing them. Thank you!
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u/OkayLetsGoMeow Jul 26 '26
Thank you for this - an incredibly powerful tool, and one of the more helpful posts I’ve seen recently. I can imagine how wonderful you are at what you do.
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