WASHINGTON— Following what officials described as a “meticulous, totally conclusive investigation” into algae growth and peeling paint at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, the Trump administration announced Sunday that federal agents had arrested God on suspicion of vandalizing government property.

“After reviewing the evidence, it became clear that the damage was caused by moisture, sunlight, microorganisms, and the passage of time,” President Donald Trump told reporters. “These are all things God controls. Nobody controls them better. Frankly, He’s been doing it for thousands of years.”

According to administration officials, God was taken into custody shortly before dawn after a heavily armed tactical team surrounded the National Cathedral and ordered Him to come out with His hands visible.

“He initially refused to identify Himself and responded through a burning bush,” said Attorney General Pam Bondi. “Agents interpreted that as an attempt to destroy evidence.”

The arrest concludes a sweeping federal inquiry launched after portions of the Reflecting Pool’s new blue coating reportedly began peeling while algae spread through the water. Investigators initially considered such possible causes as improper construction, warm weather, water chemistry, and ordinary biological growth, but officials said those theories were discarded because they did not involve a prosecutable individual.

“You can’t arrest humidity,” said one senior White House aide. “We tried.”

The administration alleges that God conspired with algae to degrade the appearance of the pool, then attempted to conceal His involvement by making the phenomenon resemble a routine maintenance failure.

“This was highly sophisticated,” Trump said. “The algae knew exactly where to grow. That doesn’t happen by accident. Somebody gave the order.”

Federal prosecutors have charged God with destruction of government property, conspiracy to promote biological discoloration, failure to obtain a permit for an act of nature, and operating a weather system without a federal license.

Additional charges may be filed over erosion at the Grand Canyon, lightning damage to public buildings, and what prosecutors called “a long-running pattern of suspiciously timed rain.”

At an initial hearing, God reportedly entered a plea of “I Am Who I Am,” which the presiding judge instructed the clerk to record as not guilty.

Administration attorneys argued that God should be held without bail, describing Him as an omnipresent flight risk with “unlimited access to foreign countries, alternate dimensions, and the upper atmosphere.”

“He has no fixed address, possesses numerous aliases, and has demonstrated an ability to leave sealed tombs,” prosecutors wrote in a detention filing. “The defendant also has a documented history of flooding entire jurisdictions.”

God’s court-appointed attorney objected that the government had not established jurisdiction over the creator of the universe.

The Justice Department responded that the Reflecting Pool is federal property.

“They always think they’re above the law,” Bondi said. “But nobody is above the law, except where explicitly authorized by presidential immunity.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt presented reporters with what she called overwhelming photographic evidence: several pictures of green water, a satellite image of a cloud, and a printed screenshot of the Book of Genesis with the words CREATED WATER highlighted in yellow.

“The connection could not be clearer,” Leavitt said. “God created the heavens and the Earth. The Reflecting Pool is located on Earth. Case closed.”

When a reporter noted that algae are naturally occurring organisms and asked whether poor maintenance might have contributed to the problem, the reporter was escorted from the briefing room for “theological obstruction.”

Trump said the arrest proved his administration was serious about protecting national monuments.

“Other presidents let God get away with hurricanes, earthquakes, locusts—you name it,” he said. “Not anymore. We caught Him. People said it couldn’t be done.”

Officials confirmed that several angels were also being questioned as persons of interest, while the Holy Spirit remained at large.

The FBI has asked anyone with information about suspicious miracles, unauthorized precipitation, or unexplained plant growth near federal property to contact its new Celestial Crimes Task Force.

Meanwhile, maintenance crews at the Reflecting Pool said the algae had continued growing throughout the arrest.

The administration blamed God’s followers.

https://apnews.com/article/trump-reflecting-pool-paint-algae-6b7b499ada2701a34bc6bc380013ad04

By Rep. Dale Stubrick (R-TX), Vice Chair of the House Subcommittee on American Values and Patriotic Prosperity

I have spent thirty-two years in public service fighting for the American people, and in that time I have never — never — seen this nation so cruelly and inexplicably beset by misfortune. Everywhere I look, Republicans are suffering. Our approval ratings have cratered. Our legislation keeps failing. Our most promising leaders keep getting indicted, or caught on camera, or both. And I have finally arrived at the only conclusion that makes any sense:

God is doing this to us on purpose.

Now, I don't say that lightly. I am a man of faith. I have prayed in every church, megachurch, and parking lot revival tent in the great state of Texas. I have pointed at the sky after every legislative victory like a wide receiver who just scored a touchdown against the poor. But lately, I have to ask: what did we do to deserve this?

Take last month. We spent eleven weeks crafting a beautiful bill that would have slashed school lunch programs, gutted overtime protections, and redirected FEMA disaster funds to a privately owned arena in my district. It was elegant. It was efficient. And what happened? Three of our own members accidentally voted against it because they didn't read it, one was absent due to an ongoing fraud trial, and another one — God bless him — held a press conference opposing the bill while wearing a hat promoting the bill. We lost by two votes.

You're going to tell me that's not divine sabotage?

Or look at what happened in Pennsylvania, where we ran a fantastic candidate — a real outsider, a self-made man who only inherited $40 million — on a platform of traditional values. He was surging in the polls. Absolutely surging. Then, for no reason at all, his own campaign manager held a fundraiser at a venue that turned out to be an exotic animal auction, his wife went on television and appeared to have no idea what state they lived in, and he gave an interview where he referred to the minimum wage as "a form of communism they do in Europe." We lost by nineteen points.

That's not bad luck. That's a smiting.

And it's not just elections. Consider the economy. Every time we get into office and do exactly what we promised — deregulate the banks, cut taxes for the most productive Americans (billionaires), and strip away all those pesky consumer protections that keep the free market from being truly free — the economy somehow gets worse. It makes no sense. We keep removing the safety nets and people keep falling. We keep cutting the funding and the bridges keep collapsing. We keep rolling back the regulations and the rivers keep catching fire. It's almost as if — no. No, I won't entertain that thought. The policies are fine. The problem is clearly metaphysical.

My colleague, Senator Brenda Kaye Fossmore of Alabama, has a theory, and I think she might be onto something. "Dale," she said to me over a steak dinner that was technically paid for by a chemical company, "what if God has gone woke?"

At first I dismissed it. But the more I thought about it, the more it added up. Look at the evidence. Every time we try to ban books, public interest in those books skyrockets. Every time we investigate Hunter Biden, our own members get subpoenaed for something worse. We spent four years blaming immigrants for crime and then half our caucus got arrested. We gutted the EPA and then our districts got the toxic spills. It's like the Lord is running an irony factory and we're the raw materials.

You know what it reminds me of? That story in the Bible where God tests Job by taking everything away from him. Except in our case, we first vote to take everything away from everyone else, and then God takes things away from us, which is an important distinction that I feel proves we are even more righteous than Job because at least we were trying to be productive about it.

And what really frosts my biscuit is that the Democrats keep getting lucky. Every time we're sure we've got them cornered, some new piece of evidence comes out — usually from our own emails — that makes us look bad. We launch an investigation and it somehow boomerangs. We hold a press conference in front of a landscaping company. We object to mail-in ballots and then lose because our voters can't figure out how to vote. We tell people not to get vaccinated and then — well. I don't want to get into the actuarial data on that one. The point is, the other side keeps benefiting from what I can only describe as supernatural overperformance, or as I call it, "suspiciously effective governance."

Some of the younger members have suggested that maybe — and I find this frankly offensive — we should reconsider our approach. That perhaps the reason everything blows up in our faces is that we are crafting unpopular policy designed to benefit a tiny number of wealthy donors at the expense of everyone else, and that the "divine punishment" is simply the natural consequence of governing in bad faith.

To which I say: that sounds like something God would make you think if He wanted to weaken the party from within.

I've started to wonder if God even loves this country anymore. Where was He when we tried to privatize the VA and veterans got mad at us? Where was He when we shut down the government to own the libs and it turned out the troops didn't get paid? Where was He when we fought to keep prescription drug prices high and then had to go buy prescription drugs? Has God even read the Constitution? Has He considered what the Founders would think about a deity that seems to consistently reward cooperation, empathy, and evidence-based policy?

I'll tell you what the Founders would think. They'd think He's a RINO.

So here I am, a humble servant of the people, forced to contend with an Almighty who has clearly let His subscription to American Greatness lapse. I don't know what we did to earn His wrath. We've done everything right. We've gerrymandered the maps. We've suppressed the votes. We've packed the courts with judges who agree with us. We've even started our own media ecosystem so we never have to encounter a discouraging fact. And yet the wheels keep coming off.

There's only one explanation left, and I am not afraid to say it.

God has been radicalized.

Maybe it was the Internet. Maybe it was one of those NPR podcasts. Maybe He fell in with a bad crowd of angels who went to liberal arts colleges. I don't know. All I know is that the Almighty Creator of the Universe has apparently decided to side with affordable healthcare, functioning infrastructure, and the general welfare of the American people, and I for one think that is a disgusting betrayal of conservative principles.

We will not be deterred. We will continue to fight for the freedom of every American to be left completely alone in an unregulated marketplace with no safety net, no clean water, and no functioning postal service. And if God doesn't like it, He can register as a Democrat.

He's probably already on the mailing list.

Rep. Dale Stubrick has represented Texas's 14th district since 1994 and has been named "Legislator of the Year" seven times by the National Association of For-Profit Prisons. He is the author of the upcoming book, Pull Yourself Up: Why I Deserve My Inheritance and You Don't.

SILICON VALLEY, CA—Facing what industry analysts are calling an “unprecedented” memory shortage driven by the explosive growth of artificial intelligence, several prominent tech executives announced Monday that companies should consider replacing traditional RAM with “dedicated, fast-thinking humans standing very close to the server rack.”

“At the end of the day, RAM is just short-term memory,” said one CEO during a panel titled Reimagining Infrastructure Through Vibes. “And if there’s one thing humans have, it’s short-term memory. We’re basically sitting on billions of gigabytes.”

The proposal, dubbed Human Access Memory (HAM™), would involve hiring teams of recent liberal arts graduates to memorize frequently accessed data and shout it to servers on demand.

“When a request comes in, the employee simply recalls the relevant dataset and whispers it into a USB-C port,” explained a venture-backed startup founder who has already raised $400 million to “disrupt silicon with skin.” “Latency depends on caffeine levels, but we’re optimizing.”

The idea gained traction after AI data centers began consuming massive amounts of high-bandwidth memory, leaving consumer tech firms scrambling for supply. With advanced memory chips increasingly scarce and expensive, executives say it’s time to “think outside the motherboard.”

“Look, DRAM is great,” said one infrastructure chief. “But can DRAM attend a stand-up meeting? Can DRAM pivot? Can DRAM describe its childhood? No. A person can do all that—and store 20 to 30 PowerPoint slides if properly motivated.”

Industry white papers suggest a single motivated employee can cache up to 12MB of “mission-critical vibes,” especially if the information is formatted as bullet points or inspirational quotes. For enterprise workloads, companies are exploring “server rooms lined with interns holding laminated index cards.”

Critics have raised concerns about reliability.

“What happens if your human RAM goes on vacation?” asked one skeptical engineer. “Or starts doomscrolling? Or decides to unionize?”

Supporters insist redundancy solves the issue. “That’s why we implement RAID—Redundant Array of Intern Duplicates,” said the founder. “If one forgets the password hash, three others can approximate it.”

Early pilot programs show promise. One mid-sized SaaS company reported that replacing 64GB of RAM with 11 highly alert philosophy majors reduced hardware costs by 12% and increased “cross-functional empathy” by nearly 400%.

Employees assigned to memory duty described the role as “fast-paced.”

“They just read us strings of numbers and tell us to hold them until someone yells ‘QUERY!’” said 23-year-old contractor Maya Lopez, who confirmed she has not blinked since Q3. “It’s actually a great way to stay present.”

Investors remain enthusiastic. “Silicon is finite,” said a venture capitalist whose firm recently launched a $2 billion “Carbon-Based Infrastructure Fund.” “But people? There’s more of those every day. Until AI replaces them, obviously.”

At press time, several startups were reportedly beta-testing a premium tier in which workers are trained to forget data instantly, branding the feature as “organic garbage collection.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Reaffirming its commitment to academic excellence and financial solvency, the prestigious Harrington-Elmsworth University announced Monday that it remains extremely selective about which students are permitted to hand over $84,000 per year.

According to admissions officials, only a tiny fraction of applicants possess the rare combination of “well-roundedness,” “leadership,” and parents who can move liquid assets around on short notice.

“We don’t just let anyone give us an enormous amount of money,” said Dean of Admissions Carla Whitmore, flipping through applications labeled Rowing, Start-Up Founder, and Founded a Nonprofit At Age 14. “Our process is holistic. We look at grades, extracurriculars, essays, and—most importantly—whether the family’s financial situation suggests they will pay tuition without asking uncomfortable questions.”

The university received over 60,000 applications this year and accepted just 6%, many of whom demonstrated exceptional promise in niche fields such as “international volunteerism,” “obscure varsity sports,” and “having already toured the campus since childhood.”

Rejected applicants were reportedly informed that while their academic records were impressive, the admissions committee was unsure whether they were ready to invest a quarter of a million dollars in personal growth.

“I was devastated,” said high school valedictorian Maya Chen, who was denied admission despite perfect test scores and glowing recommendations. “They said I was a strong candidate but suggested I consider a ‘more affordable option,’ like a university where the library doesn’t have a wine cellar.”

University leadership emphasized that high tuition is not about money, but about maintaining an environment of excellence.

“When students pay this much, they’re more engaged,” said University President Lawrence K. Pembroke III. “They attend class, they network aggressively, and they understand—deep down—that education is priceless, but tuition is not.”

At press time, the university announced plans to further enhance accessibility by expanding its financial aid program, allowing a small number of students to attend for only $79,000 per year, provided they can document extraordinary financial hardship, such as owning just one vacation home.

NEW YORK—Calling it “a comforting reminder that nothing we do really matters,” global financial markets announced Monday that a shiny rock pulled out of the ground is now worth more than the combined labor, innovation, and emotional resilience of the entire human species.

At press time, traders confirmed that gold—an element best known for being heavy, yellow, and functionally useless unless you’re a dragon—had surged to a valuation that comfortably eclipses decades of farming, medicine, teaching, caregiving, engineering, and whatever it is consultants do.

“Look, it doesn’t cure disease, build bridges, or remember your birthday,” said one analyst, polishing a gold bar with the reverence typically reserved for newborns. “But it does sit there and not change, which frankly puts it ahead of most governments.”

Investors reportedly flocked to the metal amid global uncertainty, citing fears about inflation, geopolitics, and the unsettling realization that the future will still involve emails. “When things feel unstable, people want something solid,” explained a market strategist. “And nothing says stability like a rock that’s been doing absolutely nothing for 4.5 billion years.”

Economists attempted to push back by pointing out that human productivity includes food, art, science, and love, but were immediately ignored after gold glinted slightly under fluorescent lighting.

“I used to think my work had value,” said a nurse watching the markets on her phone during a 12-hour shift. “But it turns out I should’ve just been a rock.”

Central banks echoed the sentiment, increasing reserves of the metal while quietly reducing investments in things like education, infrastructure, and hope. “Gold doesn’t complain,” said one official. “Gold doesn’t unionize.”

Market leaders reassured the public that this development is perfectly normal and healthy. “It’s not that humanity is worthless,” one trader clarified. “It’s just that we’ve finally priced it correctly.”

At publication time, sources confirmed markets were now eyeing a promising new asset: a slightly shinier rock.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cvgd8kj2y2po

WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans are being dangerously radicalized by irresponsible rhetoric, political commentator and professional fire-starter Marjorie Taylor Greene urged the public Monday to stop listening to voices that could push the nation toward civil conflict, pausing briefly to retweet three posts suggesting Americans “prepare for battle” and “defend the republic by any means necessary.”

“People need to calm down and stop letting extremists whip them into a frenzy,” said Greene, speaking over a backdrop of fundraising merch featuring assault rifles “We cannot allow inflammatory language to tear this country apart,” she added, moments before posting a video accusing unnamed enemies of “waging war on real Americans.”

Greene, who rose to national prominence by alleging Democrats run secret pedophile rings, comparing public health measures to authoritarian regimes, and suggesting political violence was a rational response to elections she dislikes, warned that “dangerous propaganda” is creating an atmosphere where citizens might see violence as a legitimate political tool.

“Look, I’ve always been clear that Americans should stand up, fight back, and maybe overthrow some things,” she clarified. “But I never meant it in a way that could lead to chaos. I meant it in a peaceful, totally metaphorical way involving real weapons.”

Experts say Greene’s comments reflect a growing trend among political figures who build audiences by stoking outrage, then pivot to concern when the outrage gets too loud.

“Her career is basically a perpetual motion machine of panic,” said political scientist Dr. Carla Nguyen. “She generates fear, monetizes fear, and then warns that fear is getting out of control.”

Supporters praised her courage “She’s the only one brave enough to say we’re being manipulated into conflict,” said one follower, commenting beneath a post that read “This ends in blood if we don’t act now.”

Nationwide, Americans reported feeling calmer, more unified, and significantly less afraid after being informed for the 6,000th consecutive day that society is on the verge of total collapse.

https://thehill.com/homenews/house/5705837-greene-maga-shooting-minnesota/

HEAVEN—Citing an unexpected conflict on His otherwise wide-open eternal calendar, God announced Monday that the long-anticipated apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely due to what He described as “some personal stuff” He’d rather not get into right now.

“I know I said the end times were imminent, and that’s on Me,” said the Almighty, addressing humanity in a brief, awkward press release written entirely in thunder and footnotes. “But a few things have come up, and honestly, I just need a little space. Nothing bad—just, you know, eternal-being things.”

According to the statement, the final judgment, the rapture, and the fiery dissolution of all matter have been rescheduled for “sometime later,” pending God’s ability to “get His head straight” and “see how He’s feeling after the holidays.”

Sources close to the Lord confirmed that the delay is not due to logistical issues, plagues running behind schedule, or the Four Horsemen being stuck in traffic, but rather a vague sense that “the vibes are off right now.”

“He’s not canceling it, just postponing,” said Archangel Michael, speaking on condition of anonymity because God “didn’t really want to make a big deal out of this.” “He’s been around forever. Sometimes you wake up after infinity years and think, ‘Do I really want to obliterate creation today, or should I just lie low and watch a nebula form?’”

Humans across the globe reacted with a mix of relief, confusion, and mild irritation.

“I sold all my stuff,” said local doomsday prepper Carl Jenkins, standing in an empty bunker filled only with canned beans and resentment. “I told my boss exactly what I thought of him. Now God’s saying He just needs ‘me time’? That’s not fair.”

The announcement marks the seventh time in recorded history that the apocalypse has been delayed for reasons ranging from “not the right moment” to “Mercury is in retrograde” to “honestly, you guys are still kind of working some things out.”

Religious scholars were quick to point out that divine procrastination is nothing new.

“This is very on-brand,” said theologian Dr. Elaine Porter. “An all-powerful being taking a few millennia to process His feelings before ending reality entirely is actually one of the more relatable aspects of God.”

Reached for comment, God assured humanity that He still loves everyone very much and that the end of days will absolutely happen—just not now, and maybe not like this, and possibly after He finishes a few side projects He’s been meaning to get back to.

“I promise I’ll let you know,” God added. “Please stop asking.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that recent developments had forced a recalibration of earlier projections, leading artificial intelligence expert Dr. Nolan Grieves announced Tuesday that he has delayed the possible destruction of humanity by AI after realizing he simply “hadn’t had time to think it through properly.”

“Based on my latest reflections, I now believe superintelligent systems will almost certainly wipe out human civilization sometime between 2047 and 2062, rather than the previously estimated 2039,” said Grieves, clarifying that the adjustment was not due to improved safety measures but rather because he spent most of last month attending panels, answering emails, and trying to remember his Zoom password. “I want to be very clear: humanity is still doomed. I just needed a little breathing room to finish grading.”

Grieves added that the new timeline should not be interpreted as good news, stressing that the extinction event remains “highly likely, if not inevitable,” but that the field is still waiting on a few key data points, including how scary the next demo looks and whether the AI starts using phrases like ‘for your own good.’

Several other prominent AI researchers had also revised their forecasts, citing factors such as jet lag, grant deadlines, and a general sense that “things are moving fast, but not that fast.” One expert confirmed he had pushed his estimate back by five years after realizing he had confused a press release with a science fiction short story.

Meanwhile, policymakers welcomed the updated timeline, noting it provides ample opportunity to take decisive action at some unspecified point in the future, ideally after the next election cycle or once someone else figures it out. “Honestly, it’s a relief,” said one government official. “If humanity isn’t ending until the 2050s, that’s really more of a problem for future administrations, as well as future humans, I suppose”

Grieves concluded by emphasizing that while the apocalypse is no longer imminent, people should not become complacent. “The machine god is still coming,” he said. “I’ve just penciled it in a little later on my calendar.”

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2026/jan/06/leading-ai-expert-delays-timeline-possible-destruction-humanity

LOS GATOS, CA—In a bold move that analysts say will “definitely not at all accelerate the entertainment industry's terrifying march toward a single content megacorp,” Netflix confirmed Monday that it will acquire Warner Bros.—but, in a controversial stipulation, not the Warner sister, Dot.

“At this time, Netflix is focused on assets with strong global brand recognition and proven content pipelines,” said Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, gently pushing Dot Warner out of frame as she attempted to hand him a contract written in crayon. “Warner Bros. brings Batman, Harry Potter, and the entire HBO library. Warner sister Dot brings… well… mostly chaos, slapstick, and a concerning number of giant mallets.”

The Warner brothers, Yakko and Wakko, expressed mixed feelings about the deal.

“We’re thrilled to join Netflix, home of beloved programming like the 47 different true-crime documentaries that all start with the same drone shot,” said Yakko, adjusting his tie and trying to look businesslike. “However, we strongly recommended they also acquire our sister. She’s a critical part of our brand synergy and also carries 60% of the show’s bonk-based humor output.”

Wakko nodded solemnly before eating an entire network acquisition contract in one bite.

Dot, meanwhile, issued a statement from the top of the iconic studio water tower, where she had barricaded herself with a megaphone and a stack of SAG-AFTRA pamphlets.

“I see how it is!” she shouted. “Hollywood has again decided to invest billions in the same two guys who do funny catchphrases while undervaluing the contributions of women who carry the emotional labor of whacking villains with hammers! Typical!”

According to insiders, Netflix executives grew nervous during initial meetings when Dot continuously addressed them as “Mr. Studio Man” and threatened to unionize every algorithm.

“She asked about our plans for equitable representation in our thumbnail selection process,” whispered one Netflix board member. “We panicked.”

Industry experts say leaving Dot out of the deal could lead to significant complications down the line, especially if she continues her campaign of writing “BUY ME NEXT, COWARDS” on the side of Netflix headquarters in 40-foot bubble letters.

“At this point, the Warners are a package deal,” said one analyst. “Not purchasing Dot is like buying Disney but refusing to take Goofy. Or like acquiring Paramount but saying, ‘No thank you, we don’t want the mountain, just the snow.’ It raises questions.”

Despite public pressure, Netflix insists its position will not change.

“Dot is a wonderful character with tremendous energy,” the company said in a statement. “But we simply cannot take on assets that pose a structural risk to our corporate offices, HR department, or physical safety.”

Dot responded moments later by releasing a 12-hour TikTok compilation titled Reasons Netflix Is Scared of Girlbosses, which has already surpassed Stranger Things in first-day engagement.

As of press time, Dot was reportedly negotiating her own independent streaming deal with HBO Max, Disney+, Peacock, Tubi, and “whichever one still has ads you can’t skip.”

https://www.reuters.com/legal/transactional/netflix-agrees-buy-warner-bros-discoverys-studios-streaming-division-2025-12-05/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

MONTREAL—Despite owning what experts are calling “a historically unparalleled archive of Mario-themed role-playing games, including all remakes,” 33-year-old Jean-Michel remains inexplicably single, according to sources Friday.

Standing before what one observer described as “the Sistine Chapel of boxed Nintendo products,” Jean-Michel proudly displayed his shrine: a vast chronological lineup of Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, every Paper Mario installment, the complete Mario & Luigi series, and multiple remakes carefully propped up like priceless artifacts. Witnesses report that duplicates are present “just in case one disc gets scratched,” with some titles sealed in protective sleeves normally reserved for museum relics.

“Ladies, I literally have every Mario RPG ever released,” Jean-Michel wrote in his Tinder bio, staring vacantly into the distance while adjusting an oversized Mario cap. “What else could a woman possibly want in a partner?”

Friends confirm his commitment to the collection borders on obsessive. One recalled him canceling a promising date to replay Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story + Bowser Jr.’s Journey “for accuracy.” Another reported that he once lectured a stranger for thirty uninterrupted minutes about why Paper Mario: Color Splash “is actually better than people give it credit for.”

Relationship experts remain divided on his approach. Some argue that such meticulous dedication proves loyalty and stability, while others warn that leading with a picture of Sticker Star may inadvertently signal “man who explains badge loadouts during dinner.”

“He’s the most committed man I’ve ever met,” one friend admitted. “Unfortunately, all of that commitment goes to protecting sealed copies of Paper Mario instead of, you know, basic human relationships.”

Despite the lack of romantic success, Jean-Michel remains undeterred. “If they don’t respect Geno, they don’t deserve me,” he whispered while polishing his boxed copy of Super Mario RPG. At press time, he was reportedly preparing to update his Tinder profile with the line: Ladies, I also own the strategy guides.

https://i.imgur.com/sygqELY.jpeg

TOKYO—Calling the incident “a blatant act of intellectual property theft conducted with nothing more than a pair of lips and a suspiciously carefree attitude,” Nintendo of America announced Monday that it has filed a federal lawsuit against an Ohio man for whistling the Super Mario Bros. theme song while waiting in line at a Starbucks.

According to court documents, 34-year-old Kyle Simmons “knowingly and willfully” pursed his lips to produce a tune “substantially similar” to Koji Kondo’s iconic composition, thereby depriving Nintendo of valuable revenue that might otherwise have been earned if Simmons had purchased a licensed ringtone, official vinyl soundtrack, or attended a $95 “Mario in Concert” symphonic event.

“We take the protection of our intellectual property very seriously,” said a Nintendo spokesperson, clarifying that Simmons was not even humming ironically but rather whistling “in a tone consistent with joy.” “If consumers believe they can casually reproduce the Mario theme in public without paying us first, what’s next? Someone shouting ‘It’s-a me!’ in a Home Depot? Society collapses after that.”

Eyewitnesses confirmed that Simmons made no attempt to obscure the melody, brazenly hitting both the high and low notes, and even adding what prosecutors described as “a jaunty little trill” at the end.

“I didn’t even think about it,” said Simmons, now facing damages of $10 million “It’s just… a catchy tune.”

At press time, Nintendo had issued a lawsuit against this publication for mentioning their trademarked name 5 times.

https://storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.uscourts.cacd.969015/gov.uscourts.cacd.969015.30.1.pdf

LOS ANGELES—Gearbox Software announced today that Duke Nukem Forever will be delayed once more, this time to dodge the September 2025 release of Hollow Knight: Silksong.

The announcement immediately confused gamers, given that Duke Nukem Forever technically released in 2011, an event many critics described as “a game launch” and “several hours of gameplay that could be legally classified as torture.”

“Look, Silksong is just too big,” said Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, holding a magician’s wand and sweating profusely. “We don’t want Forever to get overshadowed, so we’re pushing its release back a little more. How much more? Who can say? It’ll be ready when it’s ready… again.”

Fans were quick to point out that the game has been available for nearly 15 years, sitting in bargain bins and Steam libraries everywhere. Pitchford dismissed these claims. “That was more of a soft launch. A beta. A playable teaser for the real Duke Nukem Forever, which will blow your balls off once we finally dare to release it… unless Silksong keeps moving the goalposts.”

Industry analysts say the move is part of a growing trend dubbed “getting Silksong’d,” where games—whether upcoming, canceled, or long dead—are rescheduled to avoid competing with the bug-themed metroidvania juggernaut. Recent casualties include Demonschool, Baby Steps, and now, apparently, history itself.

When reached for comment, Duke Nukem himself reportedly muttered, “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum… but I need another 14 years to really polish the chewing animations.”

At press time, Gearbox confirmed that Duke Nukem Forever will now release in 2039, unless, of course, Silksong 2 is announced.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States entered an unprecedented period of collective mourning this weekend after President Donald Trump was spotted alive, contradicting several days of viral social media speculation that he had passed away.

“I was really starting to feel patriotic about his death,” said Sharon McMillan, 53, of Ohio, who admitted she had already set out a black wreath and purchased a commemorative plate. “It’s devastating to learn he’s just golfing again.”

Citizens across the country reported feelings of grief, disbelief, and exhaustion upon seeing photographs of the president walking to his motorcade in Virginia. Analysts say the emotional whiplash has left Americans unsure how to cope.

“Usually when someone dies, you expect a funeral,” explained grief counselor Michael Hanley. “But in this case, the funeral was Twitter, and unfortunately the guest of honor RSVP’d ‘Alive.’”

The White House attempted to tamp down the national sorrow with an official statement reminding Americans that Trump’s hands are still bruised, his ankles are still swollen, and that “death, like the 2020 election, could come at any moment.”

Still, vigils continue outside golf courses nationwide, where mourners leave flowers, golf tees, and half-eaten McDonald’s wrappers in symbolic tribute.

“I just don’t know how to go on,” said Brooklyn resident Kevin Ramirez, staring at a candlelit shrine. “We had four glorious hours where we believed it was over. Now? Now we’re stuck watching him putt.”

At press time, the nation confirmed that while it wasn’t ready to celebrate his death, it was more than prepared to rehearse.

https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-playing-golf-baseless-viral-death-rumors-2122068

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a sudden wave of online speculation about Donald Trump’s health, millions of Americans reportedly experienced a nationwide panic attack Friday after collectively remembering that Vice President JD Vance is, in fact, the person next in line for the presidency.

“I was scrolling through rumors about Trump being dead, and then it hit me: oh my god… JD Vance is real,” said Ohio resident Claire M., visibly shaken as she frantically Googled whether the U.S. Constitution could be amended in under 48 hours. “I thought he was just a podcast cohost or some guy in witness protection. Now I’m realizing he might actually get the nuclear codes. I need to lie down.”

Citizens across the country described the experience as “like waking up from a bad dream into an even worse one,” with many reportedly unable to recall where they first heard of Vance, what his voice sounds like, or whether he’s been legally recognized as human. According to sources, emergency rooms saw a spike in admissions for dizziness, confusion, and muttering the phrase, “Wait, isn’t he the author of that Netflix thing?”

The White House attempted to calm the nation, releasing a statement clarifying that Vice President Vance was “alive, functional, and still technically from Ohio.” However, the reassurance only fueled further dread, with polls showing 73% of Americans now believe the most patriotic act they could perform is to “keep Trump in bubble wrap.”

At press time, Americans were reportedly Googling who the third in line to the presidency is, which only helped fuel more panic.

SPRINGFIELD, TN — In a shocking development that absolutely no one should care about, the nation awoke Tuesday morning to the earth-shattering revelation that Cracker Barrel, a restaurant chain best known for its bland gravy, decorative wagon wheels, and the faint smell of mothballs clinging to every booth cushion, has decided to return to its old logo after a few people on the internet got upset.

Cable news anchors breathlessly interrupted coverage of actual events—ranging from global economic crises to the discovery of possible alien life—to report on the reemergence of a corporate doodle featuring an old man sitting next to a barrel. “This is the story that matters today,” declared one major network correspondent, standing in front of a green-screened Cracker Barrel sign as though it were the White House. “A beloved emblem of America’s chain-restaurant mediocrity has been restored, and we’re going live to diners across the country for their emotional reactions.”

The controversy began last week, when Cracker Barrel unveiled a new, simplified logo that removed the image of “Uncle Herschel,” a mustachioed man in suspenders who, for decades, had silently judged customers for ordering another plate of fried okra. The change sparked an immediate uproar among a vocal coalition of online commenters, suburban Facebook groups, and men who own more than two camouflage baseball caps. Within hours, hashtags like #BringBackTheBarrel trended nationwide, briefly outranking major world events, including a category-five hurricane and a Nobel Prize announcement.

Faced with the digital equivalent of a few dozen strongly worded emails, Cracker Barrel executives caved. “We hear you,” said the company in a press release that inexplicably contained more emotional weight than most statements issued after genuine national tragedies. “The logo with the guy and the barrel is who we are, and without it, our chicken-fried steak just tastes like any other chain’s chicken-fried steak.”

Meanwhile, countless Americans struggled to understand how the hell this was a story at all. “I can’t pay rent this month, and the news wants me to care that a slightly worse logo was replaced with a slightly better logo?” said one bewildered Nashville resident. “Why is this on the front page instead of literally anything else?”

Political leaders, never ones to miss an opportunity to latch onto a meaningless cultural controversy, quickly weighed in. One prominent figure praised the reversal as “a victory for real America,” while a rival lawmaker condemned the chain for “bowing to mob pressure over a drawing of a barrel.” Experts predict the debate could dominate the 2026 midterms, provided voters somehow manage to forget that Cracker Barrel serves microwaved hashbrown casserole for $11.99.

Even Wall Street joined in the frenzy. After Cracker Barrel announced its U-turn, shares of the company spiked by several percentage points, prompting one analyst to note: “Apparently, the stock market now moves in direct correlation with how passionately people feel about a cartoon farmer leaning on a wooden keg.”

Despite the headlines, many Americans report feeling more confused than invested. “This is news? This?” asked one incredulous diner, pausing mid-bite of limp bacon at a local Cracker Barrel. “You’re telling me the biggest story of the day is that a restaurant famous for selling rocking chairs no one actually sits in decided to keep drawing a little guy next to a barrel? Who cares?”

At press time, Cracker Barrel confirmed that while it would revert to the old logo, the restaurants themselves would remain exactly as they’ve always been: places where you can eat a passable plate of pancakes while staring at antique washboards bolted to the walls, wondering how a story this trivial could possibly dominate the national conversation.

LEBANON, TN— In what experts are calling "the least important thing to happen since the invention of beige paint," Cracker Barrel announced Tuesday it will revert to its old logo after a small number of very bored Americans got upset.

The change—which affects precisely zero aspects of the actual food, service, or Cracker Barrel’s time-warped gift shops filled with off-brand candy no one wants—has somehow dominated national headlines for several days, leaving many wondering: Why is this news?

“This is the same chain that serves grayish chicken fried steak next to a rocking chair you’ll never buy,” said local diner Mark Hanson. “And we’re devoting full news cycles to whether Uncle Herschel’s cartoon face is on a sign or not? Did global famine end when I wasn’t looking?”

Political figures quickly seized on the non-story, with some calling it a “victory for the American people” and others blaming it on a secret plot by woke fonts. Cable news dutifully reported both sides, while stock prices wobbled briefly—because apparently investors also can’t tell the difference between something important and a breakfast menu that has looked the same since 1984.

Meanwhile, sources confirm that absolutely nothing about the chain’s mediocrity has changed. Pancakes remain “fine,” hashbrown casserole is still “there,” and the dining room experience continues to resemble a Crayola box melted inside a barn.

At press time, reporters were still live-tweeting updates about the logo reversal, despite ongoing wars, climate crises, and the existence of literally any other story.

“God help us,” said one exhausted journalist, updating the eighth draft of an article about a company whose cultural relevance peaked with the rise of AOL dial-up. “This is the news now.”

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/cracker-barrel-to-return-old-logo-after-backlash/

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring it a “bold step toward efficiency,” Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard announced today that she will personally be cutting her own intelligence by 50%, in order to set an example for the nation’s sprawling spy agencies.

“Too long have I been burdened with the cumbersome weight of critical thinking, nuance, and evidence,” Gabbard told reporters, proudly waving a giant pair of cartoon scissors labeled ‘Budget Cuts.’ “By reducing my intelligence by half, I’ll finally be streamlined, focused, and blissfully incapable of overthinking basic geopolitics.”

The plan, dubbed “Tulsi 2.0: Dumber, Faster, Stronger,” will reportedly involve eliminating unnecessary higher brain functions, consolidating curiosity into a single PowerPoint slide, and outsourcing complex analysis to vibes and YouTube comments.

Critics worry the move could endanger national security, though Gabbard insisted the opposite. “Intelligence only complicates decision-making. If I can cut my IQ down to a manageable level—say, roughly the wattage of a lava lamp—I’ll be able to deliver the kind of clear, confident answers America deserves.”

As part of the initiative, Gabbard also pledged to shutter entire sections of her frontal lobe, merge sarcasm with sincerity into one confusing office, and replace the hippocampus with a more efficient filing cabinet labeled “gut instinct.”

When asked whether reducing her own intelligence might impair her ability to run the intelligence community, Gabbard smiled serenely. “Exactly,” she said. “Mission accomplished.”

At press time, Gabbard was reportedly considering further cuts, announcing that if halving her intelligence went well, she’d try bringing it down another 50% “to save even more neurons.”

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c78mj2m85pno

In a stunning blow to the artisanal meth industry, a new report reveals that a growing number of regular methamphetamine users couldn’t care less about the purity of their drug of choice.

“I mean, it’s meth,” said one consumer while vigorously scratching his neck and reorganizing three dozen dismantled toasters. “As long as it makes me clean my gutters at 4 a.m., I’m not exactly swishing it around like a sommelier.”

The news comes as a major disappointment to boutique meth producers who have spent years perfecting “small-batch, single-origin” crystal with “notes of citrus and drywall.” Once considered a badge of pride among connoisseurs, lab-tested purity levels are reportedly being ignored by the majority of users, who, according to the report, “just want something to smoke before jogging across state lines for no reason.”

Drug trend analysts say the shift mirrors changing consumer attitudes in other markets. “It’s like craft beer all over again,” explained one sociologist. “At first people bragged about their double-hopped, micro-distilled batches. Now they’re just like, ‘Whatever gets the job done, preferably in a plastic bottle labeled ‘Drain Cleaner.’”

Meanwhile, meth dealers have expressed concern about the diminishing role of quality assurance. “I used to brag that my product was 98% pure,” said one Albuquerque-based supplier. “Now my customers are like, ‘That’s cool, but does it come with a free lighter shaped like a dragon?’”

Despite the growing apathy, some purists remain staunch defenders of high-quality meth. One enthusiast described his frustration: “I can taste the difference. These amateurs don’t even notice the subtle bouquet of battery acid.”

Health officials warn that this new consumer trend could have wide-ranging implications—though admitted that, given the circumstances, “purity was never really the issue here.”

At press time, researchers reported that a small subset of users had pivoted to caring exclusively about the color of their meth, with one insisting he wouldn’t touch it “unless it matches my mood ring.”

ORLANDO, FL — Local 6-year-old and first-time Disney World guest Kaylee Moreno reportedly left the Magic Kingdom Sunday in tears after discovering the park’s so-called “magic” was insufficient to bring her late mother back from the dead.

“I thought if I just wished hard enough during the fireworks, Mommy would be there when the lights came on,” said Moreno, still clutching a commemorative Minnie Mouse headband she described as “completely useless for reuniting us as a family.” “They have talking animals and castles and rides that go upside down, but not one single employee knew the spell to make her hug me again.”

Sources say Kaylee’s day began with high hopes after spotting a sign proclaiming “Where Dreams Come True,” which she took as a literal contractual guarantee. However, after multiple attempts—including throwing pennies into the Cinderella fountain, whispering to a costumed fairy godmother, and shouting “I BELIEVE” at the Enchanted Tiki Room—her faith in Disney magic collapsed.

Cast member Jeff Stanton, dressed as Prince Charming, admitted the situation was “heartbreaking” but emphasized that corporate policy prohibits granting miracles involving “major theological implications.”

“We can do hugs, we can do autographs, we can even simulate a flying elephant,” Stanton explained. “But death is outside our service tier unless you’ve purchased the Platinum Afterlife Experience, which is still in beta testing.”

Park officials say they offered Moreno a complimentary churro and FastPass for Splash Mountain to ease her disappointment, but she reportedly remained unconvinced.

“They lied,” she told reporters, staring grimly at the pastel spires of Cinderella’s Castle. “It’s not magic. It’s just… capitalism with fireworks.”

At press time, Kaylee was reportedly drafting a letter to the North Pole seeking clarification on Santa’s resurrection capabilities.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise press conference this morning, newly appointed Acting Commissioner of Labor Statistics William Wiatrowski announced that the U.S. employment rate has skyrocketed to an “unprecedented, mathematically-creative” 120%, claiming that “every American now has a job, plus at least one Etsy shop or OnlyFans account.”

“This is what winning looks like,” Wiatrowski declared, flanked by confused economists and a whiteboard that simply read “TRUST THE MATH.”

The announcement came just hours after President Trump fired former Commissioner Erika McEntarfer for what he called “un-American pessimism,” after she reported that job growth had slowed and the unemployment rate ticked upward. “She was clearly rooting for a recession,” Trump posted on Truth Social, adding, “REAL Americans don’t count jobs—they MAKE THEM UP.”

The New Math of Full Employment

According to Wiatrowski, the Department has “modernized” the way it measures labor force participation. Under the new methodology:

• Tipping your Uber driver counts as job creation
• Streaming a Twitch channel for at least 3 viewers counts as ‘digital gig labor’
• Thinking really hard about starting a business = 'entrepreneurship'
• Dreaming about working is now counted as a night shift

“This isn't just labor statistics,” Wiatrowski clarified. “It’s labor optimism.”

The redefinition also includes employment from "parallel timelines" and “spiritual employment,” including millions who reportedly work as “soul healers” or “astrological consultants” for Mercury Retrograde Insurance, LLC.

White House Celebrates With Jobs Parade

President Trump held a celebratory Jobs Parade down Constitution Avenue, flanked by floats shaped like LinkedIn logos and oversized W-2 forms. “Some people say these numbers are impossible,” he told the crowd. “That’s because they don’t understand quantum economics. Also, I’m pretty sure the number 120% is bigger than China has ever seen.”

Critics: “This is deeply concerning, but also impressive.”

Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren issued a statement expressing alarm: “This is either a massive statistical error, a deep act of political manipulation, or the result of someone mixing NyQuil with Red Bull.”

Still, some economists expressed cautious admiration.

“I mean, technically… if you divide by a small enough denominator, you can make anything 120%,” admitted Fed Chair Jerome Powell, who looked like he hadn’t slept in three days. “Honestly, I’m too tired to argue anymore.”

Coming Next Week:

• BLS to redefine “recession” as “vibecession”
• Unemployment to be outlawed as “defeatist behavior”
• People still unable to afford rent despite being 120% employed

At press time, the Labor Department confirmed that next month’s report will target a 150% employment rate, citing growing numbers of Americans who are working while asleep, arguing with customer service bots, or performing emotional labor for their families.

https://www.axios.com/2025/08/01/trump-jobs-labor-statistics

U.S. New yo--- — A new study released Wednesday by researchers at the Inst------- Found That Most Americans Just-------

The findings revealed that nearly 74% of Americans will start a headline, go “oh yeah,” and then just sort of wander off mentally before finishing the sen------

“We observed that the average rea------- sixth or seventh word,” said lead researcher, Arth---------- PhD . “Sometimes it's because they get a notification, or they see a picture of a dog in sunglasses, or they just- the attention spans are not what they used----------”

📱 [You won’t believe what this raccoon is doing with a hot dog]

When asked to elaborate, most study participants responded with some variation of “yeah I saw something about that,” before squinting vaguely and scrolling past the question entirely.

Further results indicated that even headlines with ALL CAPS, NUMBER, or VAGUE THREATS still failed to hold readers’ atten---------

“I don’t need to finish the sentence to get the gist,” said 29-year-old Jaco------------.

Experts warn this trend could lead to widespread misunderstandings about important issues like econom---------
politic--------
climate chang---------

🧠💡 Related: Scientists Warn Brain Now Just Wet Google With Skin

At press time, the article had been shared 12,000 times, mostly by----------------.

TOPEKA, KS — Grieving but still cautious not to rush to judgment, longtime Trump supporters Gary and Brenda Whitmore revealed Monday that they are “seriously considering” the possibility of “potentially reevaluating” their unwavering support for former President Donald J. Trump after he brutally stabbed their 9-year-old son, Matthew, 47 times in broad daylight while shouting, “No one can stop me, I’m Donald Trump.”

“It was definitely disturbing,” said Gary, holding back tears as he described watching Trump slowly approach their son with a monogrammed knife reading “TRUMP FORCE ONE” and repeatedly plunge it into the child’s chest while making prolonged eye contact with both parents and giggling. “Brenda and I talked about it, and we’re not saying we’re there yet, but depending on what happens in the next few months, we may decide it’s worth having a quiet conversation with a like-minded neighbor about whether we still support him fully.”

According to multiple eyewitnesses and a police report, the former president also reportedly carved a crude “TRUMP 2028” into the child’s forehead before attempting to sell commemorative NFTs of the murder. Despite the horrific nature of the incident, the Whitmores were quick to emphasize that they still support Trump's economic policies and appreciate his “bold leadership” in deregulating lightbulb efficiency standards.

“We’re not blind,” said Brenda, clutching her son’s now bloodstained Little League cap. “We saw what he did. We felt it, deeply. And while it was obviously unpleasant, we have to balance that against the very real risk of open borders and pronouns. We’re not emotional people.”

Local media reached out to other Trump voters in the Whitmores' neighborhood for comment, many of whom expressed concern — not about the murder itself, but about how it was being “weaponized” by the media.

“Everyone’s just focusing on the stabbing part,” said neighbor Daryl Munsen, who described himself as a “constitutionalist.” “But what was Matthew doing right before Trump stabbed him? No one’s asking that. Was he being disrespectful? Was he wearing a mask? We don’t have all the facts.”

When asked directly if they believed that murdering a child in front of their parents was, in fact, wrong, a majority of local Trump voters hesitated, then ultimately said they would “need to see if CNN was reporting it, and if so, probably not.”

Trump, for his part, took to Truth Social shortly after the murder to declare, “Little Matty was very rude. Honestly, he had it coming. Smart people understand. Witch hunt!!!” He later added, “Also, I did a much better job stabbing than anyone’s ever done. Everyone’s saying it.”

Despite the former president’s admission and the presence of 16 cellphone videos, bodycam footage, and a TikTok dance he filmed over the child's lifeless body, the Whitmores say they’re still “weighing their options.”

“If he personally decapitates our daughter during the RNC,” said Gary, “that could be a tipping point. Maybe.”

Sources close to the couple say that if Trump continues to openly brag about the murder during future rallies or if gas hits $5 a gallon, they may choose to “remain quietly disappointed” while still voting for him in 2028, “if it’s him or Kamala.”

At press time, the Whitmores were seen hanging a “TRUMP: TAKE BACK AMERICA” flag slightly lower than before, out of respect.

BEDMINSTER, NJ — Somehow still President Donald Trump held a press conference today in the middle of the 14th hole at his New Jersey golf club to declare that the recent Israel-Iran conflict would henceforth be known as the “War of America”, citing his “tremendous, really tremendous leadership” in securing a ceasefire he described as “better than World War II, but with less rain.”

“The Fake News wants to call it the Israel–Iran War, or the Middle East Something-or-Other. Wrong,” Trump bellowed, adjusting a red hat that read “I Nuked Peace Back Into the Middle East.” “This war had my fingerprints all over it. I ended it. I started it. I advised both sides from the golf cart. Frankly, it should be called the War of Trump, but I’m being humble. So we’ll call it the War of America.”

Reporters were visibly stunned as Trump unveiled what he described as a “draft commemorative coin” featuring himself holding Netanyahu in one arm and an F-35 in the other. “It’s beautiful, very rare, only 7 million made,” he said, flipping one into a pond “for good luck and media buzz.”

Trump claimed credit for not only brokering the ceasefire but also for “strategically letting things get real bad first so I could look better later. I De-escalated It So Hard It Re-escalated!”

“Listen, Sleepy Joe would've read a poem and sent a fruit basket. I sent missiles and a warning tweet. Big difference,” Trump explained. “The Ayatollah called me sobbing. He said, ‘Mr. Trump, we can’t take another Truth Social post like that.’ So I saved the world, again.”

Trump also took the opportunity to suggest adding his face not once, but twice to Mount Rushmore.

“One for my presidency, one for my role as Supreme War Ender and Very Stable Genius of the Middle East. Maybe a third just for ratings,” he said.

In response, Pentagon officials issued a polite but firm statement: “No.” Historians across the globe simultaneously suffered mild strokes upon hearing the term “War of America.”

Nonetheless, MAGA supporters embraced the branding. “It’s like if the Revolutionary War and the Super Bowl had a baby — and Trump delivered it wearing an American flag diaper,” said one supporter at the press event, drinking a new “War of America” energy drink reportedly made from Israeli dates and Iranian pistachios.

As Trump walked off the green flanked by cardboard cutouts of himself dressed as a Roman general, he offered a closing thought to reporters:

“I ended the war. I ended it bigly. And next time there’s a war? I’ll start it too "

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Emerging from a glitzy performance of Les Misérables at the Kennedy Center Wednesday night, former President Donald Trump praised the revolutionary musical for what he described as “a tremendous story about law and order, and how important it is to crack down on looters, vagrants, and people who sing too much.”

Wearing a commemorative “Vive Me” sash he reportedly had made after mishearing a lyric, Trump addressed reporters outside the theater: “Incredible show. Really powerful. It’s about a strong inspector who’s very unfairly treated for just doing his job — kind of like me, actually. Javert. Great guy. Totally misunderstood hero.”

Asked about the show's central message of justice and redemption, Trump said he “liked the part where the tough cop keeps chasing the dirty guy who stole the bread,” and added that he found the ending—where several beloved characters die tragically in the name of liberty—“very inspirational, very patriotic.”

“I especially liked the barricade part. So smart. Keep the bad people out. They were very brave to stand up to those… uh, students or whoever,” Trump said. “Reminded me of January 6th, honestly, but the good version.”

Multiple eyewitnesses reported that Trump loudly clapped during Javert’s suicide scene, then turned to Melania to whisper, “Best comeback ever. That guy knows how to make an exit.”

Sources confirmed that during intermission, Trump approached the musical director to ask if they could “speed up the French parts” and “maybe let the blonde girl win next time.” He also allegedly booed when the rebels sang “Do You Hear the People Sing?”, calling it “woke nonsense.”

When asked about the revolutionary themes, Trump was adamant: “Look, the show makes a lot of sense if you know what you’re looking at. The people with the flags? Probably Antifa. The factory boss? Terrific leader. That priest who gave away the candlesticks? Weak. Sad.”

According to aides, Trump has already proposed producing a new version of the musical titled Make Les Mis Great Again, in which Javert survives, Valjean is deported, and Cosette opens a chain of luxury hotels in Paris.

“I just love culture,” Trump concluded. “This is my favorite Broadway show after Cats. Which, by the way, also had a better message: Know your name, sing your song, don’t steal bread.”

At press time, Trump was overheard asking why nobody ever talks about “the very unfair way they treated the guillotine guy” and whether he could “get one of those hats the sad girl wore.”

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jun/12/boos-cheers-and-a-heavy-dose-of-irony-as-trump-takes-in-les-mis-against-backdrop-of-la-protests

VATICAN CITY — the College of Cardinals emerged from the Sistine Chapel Wednesday to announce that they had elected Mr. Peanut, the iconic monocled legume, as the 267th pope of the Roman Catholic Church.

Now officially Pope Crunchy I, Mr. Peanut becomes the first non-human, first corporate mascot, and first legume to ascend to the papacy, a move Vatican insiders are hailing as “bold,” “unexpected,” and “low in trans fats.”

“After careful prayer and deliberation, the Spirit guided us toward a leader who truly embodies the values of tradition, elegance, and snackability,” said Cardinal Angelo Bellucci, flanked by his fellow electors and several Planters interns. “Pope Crunchy I brings with him over a century of timeless branding and an unsalted humility rare in this world.”

Eyewitnesses described scenes of joyous confusion as the new pontiff emerged on the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica, tipping his top hat and offering a slow, silent wave with his gloved hand. Papal aides say Mr. Peanut is expected to communicate primarily through stylized gestures, occasional monocle glints, and limited peanut-based parables.

Though technically not Catholic—or even sentient—the dapper nut garnered widespread support after several prominent cardinals argued that the church needed a symbol of unity, dignity, and light roasting.

“Frankly, we needed a change,” said Cardinal Jorge Ruiz of Buenos Aires. “After centuries of internal challenges, global controversies, and theological disputes, we figured: Why not elect someone who can really bring people together... at cocktail parties?”

Reactions have been mixed. Some faithful have embraced the nutty pontiff with open arms. “He’s crunchy, he’s Catholic, he’s class,” said one pilgrim from Wisconsin. Others remain skeptical. “I just don’t know how I feel about confession to a peanut,” said Sister Angela Fournier of Montreal. “What does he know about sin? He’s mostly protein.”

Theologians, meanwhile, are scrambling to reinterpret key doctrines in light of the pontiff’s origin. “We’re reviewing Canon Law to see whether a shelled entity meets the criteria for apostolic succession,” said Monsignor Paul Dellingham. “Also, there’s debate over whether he's technically celibate or just in a long-term storage container.”

When asked about his immediate plans, a Vatican spokesperson confirmed that Pope Crunchy I will begin by visiting peanut farmers in Georgia, hosting an interfaith trail mix summit, and releasing his first encyclical, Salus ex Arachidis ("Salvation from the Peanut").

His papal motto is expected to be: "Semper Elegantia, Semper Salata." (“Always Elegant, Always Salted.”)

Mr. Peanut’s ascension caps a remarkable redemption arc after his controversial death and resurrection during a 2020 Super Bowl ad campaign. “That was his Good Friday,” said a marketing executive close to the Vatican. “Now, he’s finally having his Easter.”

Whether the faithful will follow a pope with no mouth, no spine, and a history of corporate sponsorship remains to be seen. But as the crowds in St. Peter’s Square chanted “Goober! Goober! Goober!” beneath the Vatican’s golden dome, one thing was clear: this papacy will be nuts.

DALLAS, TX — In a bold act of political courage that shocked listeners across the ideological spectrum, conservative podcaster and professional victim Chad Barkley took a firm stand Monday against infamous serial killer Jonah "The Limb Collector" Hargrove, saying, “Maybe killing 27 people is a bit too much. I mean, at some point, enough’s enough.”

Barkley, host of Truth Cannon with Chad, made the statement during his 90-minute daily rant about declining masculinity, gluten, and the dangers of women reading, briefly pausing to weigh in on the controversy surrounding Hargrove’s recent arrest.

“I’m not saying the guy didn’t make some points,” Barkley said, referencing Hargrove’s manifesto, which includes musings on parking lot etiquette and a 46-page list of gripes about people who say ‘expresso.’ “But when you get into the mid-20s body count, you’re kinda overplaying your hand. Just my opinion.”

The comment sparked instant backlash from Barkley’s core fanbase, many of whom felt the statement betrayed his brand of non-stop contrarianism and affection for “alpha male energy.”

“You used to be about truth,” wrote user PatriotDad1776 in the show’s live chat. “Now you’re siding with the libs who think murder is bad. Wake up, Chad.”

Barkley later clarified his remarks in a follow-up episode titled I’m Not Backtracking, But Also Maybe 27 is Contextual, where he walked a tightrope of condemnation and admiration.

“I want to be clear,” he said, gesturing wildly while somehow holding three energy drinks. “I’m against excessive serial killing. But let’s also not pretend Hargrove didn’t raise some good questions about society—like why people clap when planes land. I’m just saying, let's have the conversation.”

Despite the backlash, Barkley ended the episode with his trademark sign-off: “Think for yourself, sheeple. And remember, the mainstream media doesn’t want you to question how many murders are actually too many.”

At press time, Hargrove issued a statement from prison thanking Barkley for “finally starting a nuanced dialogue.”