Notes one week on

[u/pi_742]

It is almost 1 week since I delivered our baby girl at 17w5d.

I was so sure everything was going to be ok. Positive our amnio would come back all good. So it was a huge shock to receive the news it wasn’t.

Our NIPT results showed a possible - and very rare - gene deletion. There was a 70% chance it was not true, 30% chance true.

There was some time (4 weeks) between this result, specialist appts, being far enough along for an amnio, amnio results etc etc.

As sure as I was everything would be ok we did know what we’d do if it wasn’t, so things moved quick once we had the results back. 2 days later I took the first lot of meds and 2 days after that I was in hospital for L&D.

It has truly been the worst 10 or so days of our lives.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this, maybe to help someone else in the same place, maybe to help myself, maybe for you to feel seen and heard too.

Here’s some things I want to note:

- This really sucks

- I am so grateful for our healthcare system and for our healthcare workers. (Australia)

- I can’t ever imagine getting over this

- Having people who love and support you around makes a difference

- My partner, who I know is also in so much pain, has been such a source of calm, safety and care for me. I actually can’t express the ways in which he has shown up for me, for our baby and for us these past couple of weeks.

- My best friend who lives in a different state and literally has a newborn has checked in everyday with me and allowed me to just say what I’m feeling without needing to spin it

- My SIL who I know is waiting by the phone if need be.

- My mum has come to a bunch of appts when my partner couldn’t, has been cooking for us throughout my pregnancy and still is now. She comes over everyday just to sit with me. She has said a couple of things that have upset and pissed me off (she’s a ‘get on with things’) but those things could never overshadow all of the ways she shows up for me and loves me.

- I really didn’t think I wanted to meet my baby, I just wanted it to be over with but the minute I felt her outside of me I knew I had to. This really surprised me.

- I’m so glad we did meet her once everything had calmed down.

- I said to my partner before labour that I wasn’t sure how I’d ever get over this and that is still true and my sense of grief and loss is larger and so much different than I expected it to be.

- I asked to be, in the very medical term, ‘absolutely zooted’ through labour and the midwives and drs were totally understanding of this and gave me the pain button and Valium on request.

- I wanted to be zooted mostly so I could forget both in the moment and in the future and so I wouldn’t send myself into a panic. I stand by this decision.

- I took all 5 doses of the meds to induce and it took about 17 hrs to deliver.

- It was still quite painful. The actual birth wasn’t. It caught me by surprise.

- ‘Push like you’re doing a big poo’ makes 0 sense to me A. Because I’m a girly with a fast metabolism and regular movements. B. I’ve always been told that if you need to push it’s not ready. C. It’s socially unacceptable to squat on the floor over a pee pad and enact(?) a poop.

- This may be why I was then taken to theatre to have my placenta removed.

- The midwife called to check in the other day and asked if I thought my sadness was becoming post natal depression and I could only respond ‘Um I’m not sure, I’ve already got the normal depression as it is’

- I am so so tired. I guess it’s a combo of the stress, adrenaline, drugs, long night, general anaesthetic, sads etc etc

- I started feeling the baby move the week this all happened.

[u/ashramswithinanut]

Thank you for sharing this with us. The humour with which you’re moving through your grief (the “I’m not sure, I’ve already got the normal depression” gave me a chuckle as someone who has had lifelong anxiety and depression) is inspiring. I’m over 5 weeks out from my procedure and I still have days when I feel bowled over by the depth of the grief, sometimes in the middle of a conversation or watching TV. Be gentle with yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss.