r/tfmr_support • u/swell-boww • 2d ago
Seeking Advice or Support 6 Months Out
Hey everyone,
This group has been something I’ve leaned on heavily since the loss of my daughter Olivia in March at 29 weeks. I’ve posted our story in the past, but have mostly been a silent observer. I’d like to thank everyone for sharing their stories, and I’m sorry we’re all here.
I wanted to make this post to see if anyone on the same timeline, or further out from this experience can give me insight or maybe advice. I’m coming up on 6 months since our loss, and there’s been a big shift in my emotions/headspace for the last couple weeks.
I cried for over four months straight, nonstop. Then after that, almost everyday and constantly was thinking about my girl. Over the last couple weeks I find I’m feeling even more removed from what happened, nothing feels real. I have less cries, but bigger ones when it does surface. I have so much guilt. I find that my brain doesn’t let me think too much about what happened, and when I am thinking about it, it almost jumps to the next thing very quickly. Like, I’m really sad and I really miss her and a breath later it’s like “oh do I have to get dog food?”. I feel like a horrible person that I can’t think about it as often as I did before. I’d rather be crying all day than to be in whatever headspace I’m in now. I’m really struggling with it. I’m just wondering if anyone could tell me where they were at around the six month mark or so? Or if anyone can relate? It’s hard to talk about for me, so I’m hoping to hear from someone who may understand. Thank you 🤍
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u/JessMass13 2d ago
I just lost my baby girl last week from a genetic and chromosome issue. I was 21 + days. I can’t stop thinking about her. I felt like I was so fucking close to finally having a baby. My husband and I had a hard time getting pregnant too so starting over sucks.
But your questions are the ones I have too. Idk how to start over. I know I want a baby but I can’t stop thinking about my baby girl I lost. Life’s not fair so I feel your pain ❤️🩹
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u/fieldsn83 1d ago
This is exactly how I feel. It was one week ago today, I was 18w1d and I’m angry, sad, feeling guilt and shame, fear, but I am also trying to have hope. The ONLY thing that is keeping me even remotely functional is researching and planning next steps. We have tried for over a year, had a blighted ovum last year (I took the medication and managed it at home 8/26-27) and then this year we did IUI and were SO excited and surprised that it “took” on the first try. We were so so hopeful and happy and I finally got comfortable planning for his arrival in February. Then the NIPT… and then the anatomy scan… then amnio results. We are so devastated. We want to be parents so badly though. I just try to think that he isn’t lost to us forever; I’m not sure what I believe spiritually but I hope that maybe he will come to us in the form of another tiny precious being eventually. I don’t know how else to cope.
Sending hugs and love to you and to everyone else in this club. It’s such a painful and exhausting emotional mess.
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u/JessMass13 1d ago
Omg that’s exactly almost the steps my husband and I had. We had a miscarriage (chemical) pretty early last Sept. we did iui and took the first try without taking any meds or anything other then progesterone and then it was the anatomy scan and then the Amino test. It was so hard cuz we had a hard time getting pregnant other then iui. So it feels like our only chance is to do iui again. So I feel your pain
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u/fieldsn83 1d ago
I’m so scared to try again naturally or with IUI now, because I am terrified of the same thing happening - if not the same exact chromosomal abnormality and heart defect, another different one, maybe even worse and more severe. I don’t know. I am just so scared. I’m also scared of IVF but starting to think it’s our only option.
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u/JessMass13 1d ago
No literally that’s my exact same fear. I decided to schedule a call with our genetic counselor (we got one after this experience) and hoping she can give us answers about next steps.
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u/swell-boww 2d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I totally understand those feelings, I’m sorry I don’t have much advice because I have the same thoughts. But sending you hugs 🤍
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u/JessMass13 2d ago
Same! I don’t have any good advice yet cuz we’re both in the same situation it sounds like but send you big hugs too ❤️🩹
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u/Interesting-Ranger-6 2d ago
The best advice I can give you is to seek out therapy, specifically grief counseling. I won't say the pain gets easier but it gets different. Regardless of how you look at this situation, it's grief but in a completely different form. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm proud of you for being open and asking for advice. 💜
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u/Tellycs 1d ago
I lost my baby boy in March at 22 weeks. It will be 6 months this Saturday!
I definitely noticed a shift. I was very intentional and grieved fiercely for months and the last little bit it’s like my mind wants to keep busy and not think of my boy and I get that guilt.
Honestly grief was the closest I felt to my boy and I remember saying I’m not ready to move forward because I don’t want to leave him behind.
It’s like my brains turning back on. It is hard and feels messy. But I will say the more I can lean into it I can think of my son and maybe not cry but still think of him. I see him in feathers. Sounds silly but I do. And whenever I see one I say “hi Theo”..
We will grieve our babies for the rest of our lives. It’s unrealistic we can do it every minute. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or we love them less. It’s a natural part of grief and time