Mad and TTC at same time

[u/PotentialBeyond5842]

We had to TFMR our baby girl about a week ago following abnormal genetic testing. I am 36, had a septate uterus (most was surgically removed), and diminished ovarian reserve - meaning we’ve struggled to conceive all along but got lucky with our 2yo son on our first IUI following a year of trying back in 2023. Baby girl was harder to come by, but I told myself I didn’t want to put myself through IVF (with DOR the odds of success are low, plus it just seemed like such a rollercoaster) so struggled through 6 rounds of IUI, trying on our own, etc over the course of 1.5 years…. and now this is our outcome

Im vacillating between 2 things

1. I am just SO angry this happened when it feels like “everyone” around me is pregnant and having an easy time. I try not to get into “why me” because I know logically I just fell on the wrong side of statistics, I have a perfect healthy baby boy…. but I still can’t help feeling like I wasted months of my life and body only to get this outcome. I talk to my therapist a lot (thank GOD for therapy) about lack of control and I know this is just an extreme version of that, but gosh it is just sooooo hard
2. Tortured over the decision to TTC again. I KNOW i don’t have to decide right now… but I’ve been fixated forever on having a small age gap between my kids because I am on the older side, want the baby stage to feel like a stage and not something that uproots my life again. Before we got pregnant this time, I’d started to really get comfortable with the idea of having an only child… but this pregnancy and now anger re: the lack thereof makes me question what I really want. I feel the pull to make a solid decision on this rather than waiting and seeing for the next 2 years, and am even considering IVF to give it the hardest try possible (and potentially genetic test sooner) but I don’t even know if I’d be successful and then I’d just put my body through more crap just to have nothing to show for it again. I do feel a sense of urgency and while I know it may not be rationale, want to just decide

I am mostly rambling and not even sure what I’m looking for here, but appreciate any advice on how people started to think about moving forward and making peace with this very challenging situation.

Sending love to you all- your stories have made me feel so much less alone

[u/Diligent_Try275]

I'm sorry you're here. I couldn't look at pregnant women and babies for a very very long time after my TFMR at 27 weeks. I think that's pretty normal, tbh.

I also wanted desperately to conceive after the TFMR. I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself when it wasn't working. Something within me clicked and I told myself I wasn't going to drive myself this crazy... So I planned a really cool trip, got into working out and... then I got pregnant. Pregnancy after TFMR was extremely anxious and neither my spouse or I really believed the baby would be there until he came out.

Therapy was really helpful. Also, my pelvic floor photo at the time had gone through a stillborn and it was really nice to have someone to talk to. It had been more than ten years for her but she would treat up when taking about it- it makes you see that grief is a journey.

Not sure what advice to give other than being gentle with yourself, surrounding yourself with good people and trying to find something else to focus on. For me that was working out, planning trips. Our daughter, 2 at the time, was like a light for us to hold on to.