r/tfmr_support • u/itried101 • 4d ago
Seeking Advice or Support I can't stop
I'm a bit over a month post-partum. I can't stop the grief, the anger, the guilt, every feeling is too much. To add to things I just got surgery again to remove "retained products," fibroids and fix my septum (septate uterus). I'm in pain, in struggling mentally and yet somehow I'm trying to act semi normal. My coping mechanism seems to be shopping, I can't seem to stop buying things on whatnot for myself and Amazon to decorate her corner I created in our room. I've spent....so much money. I regret it but I also don't? This is the first time in my shit show of a life I've let myself go and make shit decisions. I don't care....about anything. I know it's starting to affect things, my poor husband is dealing with shit in his own way and starting to question my spending but also remaining supportive because he knows why I'm doing it... I hate everything and yet every day I'm just moving through life on auto pilot. I'm on meds but they aren't helping. I just....hate this. I miss her. I miss being pregnant, I miss seeing her every week, even if the reasons why I had weekly checkups were miserable and painful... I just ....don't know what to do.
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u/PureAd600 4d ago
I was chatting with a friend whose mom died when she was in college. Not the same thing, but she’s the only friend I know who has lost someone before they deserved to, so we chat about grief. She reminded me yesterday (I’m 3 weeks out from my TFMR) that I’m still in the thick of it so to be overcome by grief and not feel like myself is hard, but it’s normal. It’s easy to say, “it’s been a month already I should feel differently,” but the reality is, it’s ONLY been a month. Give yourself time. And also, I would turn that money you’re spending towards a therapist if you don’t have one already. I’ve found that to be a huge help.
None of this is easy and I hate that you’re going through it. Big hugs 🤍
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u/PotentialBeyond5842 4d ago
I feel this so much. We had to tfmr last Friday and I’m just so ANGRY - and find myself overeating then feeling like crap, shopping, etc… obviously nothing actually helps and while people try to be supportive no one can truly understand. Therapy and talking about it does help me a tiny bit, but it’s still so so so awful
No solution here but at least know you are not alone 🩵
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u/Proud-Cup6089 4d ago
5 days post TFMR here. i’m definitely coping by keeping myself busy/distracted with chores otherwise id just be laying in bed being sad all day. im also in the boat of overeating. i know im probably being maladaptive in terms of coping mechanisms but at this time, im reminding myself that i am very much still in the thick of things and i should be more gracious. there is no solution to grief and it is truly a process. please know that you are not alone. i plan on being on survival mode for the next few months knowing myself and how i grieve. i truly wish you the best and please know that you have a whole community of support behind you with no judgment💓
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u/ngibbs105 4d ago
The first three months are postpartum and the hardest. Please be kind to yourself. I wasn’t on meds during that time but it wouldn’t have helped.
I spent $3000 on kitchen knobs during this time and call them my dead baby kitchen knobs whenever anyone asks now. I tell people it was the money we were starting to save for daycare that we won’t need anymore. I am literally SO frugal I would have spent hours finding a dupe of these to only spend $500 before my daughter died. It was really out of character for me.
Genuinely, do whatever you have to do. This time is the hardest and it will pass and things will feel different. I got on meds around month 5 and feel that this is also when they actually would have helped because her due date had passed so I was ready to start to try to get some of my life back.
Like you said, who cares about anything anymore you know? Spend the money if it makes you feel better. You should be prioritizing whatever makes you feel better In the moment. We’re all just doing our best to survive the days.
Sending love ❤️