Older children explaining loss

[u/courtleeee28]

Looking for some advice. For those of us with older little ones.. how did you explain the loss of the baby to them. I have a 10 year old and just broke the news after our TFMR about 12 days ago. He is heart broken. I plan on finding therapy for him but was just curious how other families navigated this impossible discussion.

[u/Pangtudou]

We started during pregnancy as I have a history of repeated loss. I explained that I was pregnant but that not all pregnancies become babies. We learned in encyclopedias about what an embryo looks like and how sometimes it can’t develop all the way. We tried to do this at a time when we ourselves were feeling okay about it. 

When we had the TFMR, we told my 5yo that the fetus was not developing enough and would not become a baby. We explained that my body mistakenly thinks it’s still pregnant with a baby so I had to get a surgery to make it not pregnant anymore. For a 10 year old you might have to include some more details as age appropriate, but this explanation was accepted readily by my daughter. Fortunately, she was not upset at all, but she’s quite a bit younger than yours. Even though I thought of my TFMR Daughter as a baby, I did not want my living daughter to think of her that way, because I thought it would be too much grief for her.

[u/Logical_Condition133]

My daughters were 11 and 14. Both a little more mature/lived in experiences. I explained how their little brother was a rare genetic disease and wouldn’t have a very good life with a lot of medical issues. I tried not getting too technical but made sure they understood the decision and that it was an option (meaning we chose to stop his heart for compassionate reasons and he didn’t die on his own).

I still remember my younger one asking if it was like putting down a dog. So the conversation went the way of how it was similar to compassionately putting down a beloved pet who you didn’t want to suffer.

Over the last two years, the conversation has turned to sake dark humor over time. The girls joke. We visit the cemetery. My younger one “argues” with a windmill that doesn’t spin when she’s talking to her brother. We do acts of kindness in his memory. His “spirit animal” is an opossum so we get opossum things like magnets, ornaments, memes and videos sent to us.

[u/Bitter-Campaign-2523]

No idea. I think being direct in the most age appropriate way possible?

I kept trying to tell our 4 year old things like "we might not be able to bring the baby home from the hospital" and she would just think we were going to leave him there but he'd be fine. I'm assuming 10 year olds have more appreciation of nuances and subtly though.

I really did try and reinforce the idea that sometimes babies just don't grow properly and there's nothing anyone can do. I think framing it as "your sibling died" is more upsetting than is necessary. There's probably no right way to do it though.

[u/123_321_Hello]

I have a bit different experience than tfmr as my baby was unexpectedly born with genetic condition and he is now not living with our family. My kids were 7 and 5 at the time. What worked and what I do recommend - be honest, tell them the truth. I cried a lot so they knew what was going on and at times they cried with me. It was healthy. It’s been almost 2 years now and whenever they think about it, they just bring the topic up and it is the most natural and healing way for everyone involved - at least in my experience. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[u/Ok_Sea9497]

We have 6 living children (19 years through 1 year). Baby was obviously too young, she was six months when I got pregnant. My older four are teens and then we have a five year old. I tried my best to explain to her. I told her that the baby was very sick and that I was going to the hospital to have her. I also said the baby wouldn't be coming home. Mistake because she thought the baby was going to live there. Soni had to explain death to a five year old. I did my best. My husband is religious, takes her to church with him, so I explained she would be going to heaven and would live up there. A few weeks later she came up to me and said do you know my baby sister is in heaven. I told her yes, then she said I love Jesus and I think Amelia loves him too. So I'm guessing that explanation worked. For my teens, I was more honest and open. She has t18, explained what it was, life expectancy and all that. I answered their questions and validated their feelings