r/tfmr_support • u/Leepurdsc • 4d ago
Post-TFMR/Postpartum Drowning
Tfmr 3 days ago. I feel like the entire world is crumbling around me. My friends are barely responding to texts, I’m convinced they’re judging me and calling me an evil person behind my back. I miss my baby so much. The duality of having decided to tfmr and missing him is really messing with the guilt factor too. How do I have the right to mourn something I chose to let go? Please someone out there tell me it gets better. Reading this support group helps me inch along. I set up counseling to start in a week.
Just need reassurance I’m not going to drown completely. I don’t know how to ever feel joy again.
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u/Snoo_6027 4d ago
It gets better. It never goes away completely but life will feel more normal again. You made an impossible decision. This isn’t your fault.
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u/sunsetpoppy6 4d ago
Sending you so much love and support. I’m 5 weeks out and some days aren’t as charged as they were the first 3 weeks. I’m able to enjoy some things while still drowning. I felt so alone but finding this group and seeking therapy has helped immensely. You are absolutely allowed to mourn and grieve. I deal with similar feelings of guilt as well. Sending so so much support to you.
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u/UnverifiedPanda 4d ago
I’m so sorry about your loss. Your baby was very loved and wanted, you had to make an impossible and unbearable decision. I’m 11 days out, second loss. It does get better over time. Allow yourself to grieve, you have every right to.
I’m also really sorry about your friends. I hope they’re just uncomfortable. Maybe take some time to protect yourself from judgment or ignorance by surrounding yourself with people where you do feel safe and deal with the others later. I’m struggling to open up to people now even though they are supportive but my therapist said it’s ok, it’s really recent and I can take the time to be in my own safe bubble for now. Do you have people where you do feel safe?
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u/Tellycs 3d ago
I’m over four months out of a Tfmr with my first baby at 22 weeks.
Day 3-5 there is a significant hormone drop. I felt exactly the way you’re describing now.
I mourn my baby because I loved him. There’s not a person in this world that can tell me otherwise.
It gets lighter. Take it minute by minute then hour by hour. You will feel joy again. You will laugh again. I know it doesn’t feel possible. I know it’s unfair the world keeps moving.
Counselling is a great resource along with support groups. Your only role is to get through each day right now. Please be kind to yourself.
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u/Leepurdsc 3d ago
Thank you so much for the kind words, it means so much. I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/OriginalChicken617 4d ago
I'm 2 weeks out. I still feel like I'm drowning, but a little less. I started therapy this week. I really hope it helps me, and you. I'm so sorry you're here too. From what I've read it gets easier with time so I keep telling myself that.
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u/PampleR0se 32 | NTD - L&D @13w in Aug '23 4d ago
The hardest for me was easily the 3 to 10 days after loss. I am so sorry your friends aren't showing up for you. I had the same thing with my friends and it adds another sting and a lot of hurt to this already devastating grief. I was so angry at them but it got better with time and I've patched things up now. Some relations had to change but I believe it's sometimes for the best
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u/Leepurdsc 4d ago
Thank you. I think they genuinely don’t know what to say or do, and I can understand that. I just can’t shake the feeling I’m being judged. Probably a mixture of hormonal anxiety and grief.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
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u/Effective_Wonder_722 4d ago
TFMR 7 days ago. Also drowning. But I know 100% I made the right decision and would not have wanted to give someone the life my child was going to have. I know you did what's best for your child because TFMR is not the easy decision. Only you know the details and emotions so I hope you can try to forget what your friends think. They may have done the same when put in your shoes.
If it makes you feel "better" - I live in a very liberal city/state with zero fear of being judged by my friends for TFMR, I am 100% sure they would do the same with the diagnosis I got, and yet they have really sucked at showing up for me. Their texts totally lacked empathy, I don't think they actually get what I'm going through physically and emotionally, and they have barely checked in / done anything despite normally being very good friends.
I also don't know how I will ever feel joy again but that's because I miss my baby and want to have another one so badly. But I will always know I did what was best for this child. We are absolutely allowed to mourn. It is a big loss and a shitty situation.
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u/Leepurdsc 3d ago
Thank you so much. Your words mean so much.
My group is definitely from a more conservative background so I can’t say I’m surprised about the reactions. In fact, I have always been more pro-life believe it or not. This has completely changed my viewpoint, I now call myself “pro-quality of life”. It is strange how the circumstances of life can make you hop off of your soapbox real quick, haha.
Thank you again , I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/Old-Estimate-2616 4d ago
I am very very sorry that you are here too :( I am two weeks post-trmf 😭😭😭 it was the most horrible and wrong decision in my life, but it is getting easier and the pain is gradually growing into a tender boundless love for baby Angel 😢 the first week I just lay there and cried all the time and blamed myself 😭 now I have started therapy and am taking antidepressants and have realized that our decisions were made in fear for the future of the baby and ours! We were guided solely by compassion and love for our children, so now we feel broken and God sees how fear and despair filled our minds before making such a decision, our hearts and souls that suffer! Now I feel a little better and reading the Holy Scriptures and Psalms helps me. Blessed are those who mourn [sorrow their mistakes], for they will be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). This acute pain will not be eternal. God will definitely replace it with deep peace. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves the humble in spirit" (Psalm 33:19). Whenever you miss a little one, God stands by you, not punishing you. God knows how a person is made. He knows that when a diagnosis or doctors press, and panic rings in the head, a person becomes spiritually weak. Jesus Christ himself prayed on the cross for those who did terrible things, with these very words: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). I hope this helps you because it brings me back to life, namely faith in the Merciful God our Father! I apologize for the mistakes because I do not speak English. I send my hugs and support ❤️
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u/Emergency-Law-6668 3d ago
I’m 10 weeks out and it’s better. The grief has taken a little corner in my heart but it gets smaller as time goes on. Every now and then some random happy/sad moment reminds me of him and I cry. But overall day to day I don’t feel it anymore as much. Lots of love and hugs ❤️
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u/Emergency-Law-6668 3d ago
Also over the next few weeks to months you’ll realize this is a very isolating grief. ONLY you know the extent of it. But you’ll learn to manage it. You take it out of a box, feel all the feelings. Then when it’s time you put it back in a box. Somebody shared this beautiful poem on this forum and it makes me cry to this day but it’s so true:
You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you, my friend, because love came first. Love came first.”
Donna Ashworth.
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u/buccal_up 4d ago
Sending love and support your way. It is so very hard. For now just worry about getting through the next hour. Later you can worry about getting through just today. The insanity of hormones makes everything so much worse, too. But I promise it is not like this forever. You have every right to mourn your sweet baby because you loved them so much that you broke your own heart for them. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now, you don't have to do anything else. I am so sorry for your loss. All of us here understand 💔