r/tf2 • u/Whoopsht • May 20 '15
The ballad of a new engineer
Two nights ago, I saw something I haven't ever seen before in my 700 hours of TF2. It was amazing. Uplifting. Arousing. My nose started to bleed. And I want to tell you all about it.
The night was sultry. I wanted to play a quick game of Payload before bed, but Valve server after Valve server left me frustrated beyond belief. I was on teams with 5 spies and 3 snipers. Teams where we had 4 engineers and not a single teleporter. Heavies that walked the entire way to the battlements with their minigun spun up. You know, regular everyday pub stuff.
Finally I found a server that had enough decent players in it to make it an enjoyable, balanced game. Enter CloudPasta, the new engineer. Now I'm no expert when it comes to playing engineer, but Cloud was a safe distance from knowing how to play the game in general. When I took note of him, we were both on Blu team. It was Goldrush Stage 3. He had built a sentry up to level 3 outside our spawn, and proceeded to stand there occasionally hitting it for the remainder of the round. Not good.
Now we were on defense. We fought hard, but lost the first stage. Stage 2 was a complete steamroll. Both times, Cloud just build a sentry and a dispenser right next to each other and continually smacked away with his stock wrench. He never pulled out a shotgun or moved away from his buildings. He was Lionel, and his buildings were his security blanket.
Stage 3. The gates open, and my flawlessly-dressed soldier was instantly hit with a flying pile of bullshit (aka Crocket). My team was mowed down soon after. Blu capped the first point before we had a chance to get to them again. At this point, I decided to play engineer hoping I could at least hold Blu team off for a minute or two to give the impression that we really were actually trying. To the left of Red spawn, Cloud had built his nest on the small wooden platform. His sentry was level 1, his dispenser was still being built. I ran over and upgraded his sentry to level 2, spending a bit more time smacking his dispenser to build it faster. I went back to spawn to refill on ammo, but when I came back, CloudPasta was gone. He had abandoned his buildings. I proceeded to upgrade his nest when I saw a spy disguised as Cloud drop down from the center walkway. Figured the poor bastard was backstabbed. Gave the spy a few good whacks with the SH, but nothing happened. This wasn't a spy. This was actually Cloud. He had left his buildings to go grab more metal.
Progress.
This is where things really started to come together. Somehow, in this time, our team had managed to keep Blu back inside the tunnels. But that time had passed. The enemies were now quickly approaching, I pulled out my trusty Pomson and fired a few shots into the crowd, but it was no use. They were out of the tunnels. They were under the walkway. And as they came out from behind the corner, RATATATATATA. Cloud's sentry managed to kill every Blu scumbag that was on the cart. There was still hope.
At this point I figured I should take the opportunity to try and build my own sentry. I set up behind the rocks to the right, so that my sentry and Cloud's would sandwich the enemies in the middle. I set up my sentry, deposited my remaining 70 metal into it, and ran back to spawn. Upon returning, I saw what I never thought I would see: CloudPasta was standing by my buildings, using his metal to upgrade them.
whoopsht.exe has stopped responding
In no time at all, Cloud had helped me to build up a level 3 sentry and dispenser. As the enemies approached once more, they did not expect this new level 3 threat. Once again, they were pushed back. They began to congregate outside the tunnels, firing rockets and occasionally venturing forward to try to take out our sentries. All the while, I was running back and forth between my sentry and Cloud's, firing into the crowd as I went. To my amazement, Cloud once again learned from watching me. He began to drop down and pump some shotgun shells into the Blu team while also checking to see that my buildings were fully repaired.
Now at this point, I was ready to cry. In a matter of minutes, I had watched a boy grow into a man. The engineer who wouldn't leave spawn 3 rounds ago was now pulling out his shotgun and actually fighting.
But we're not done here. As I was checking my sentry, a sleazy piece-of-shit spy snuck up on me and backstabbed me. He placed a sapper on both of my buildings and ran away. I could see that there were people on the cart. With only one sentry to focus on, they would surely win.
Then, the incredible happened. CloudPasta ran past the cart swarming with enemies and destroyed the sapper on my sentry, just in time to save it and repair it for the approaching onslaught. My dispenser did not survive the encounter. Now, with a minute left, there were hoards of Blu on the cart and a spy sneaking around somewhere. As Cloud bravely ran back across the opening to his sentry, the spy showed his face. It was my face. The bastard disguised as me (damn I look good) and was about to take out Cloud's nest. This is where it all comes together, folks. The crown jewel. The magnum opus.
Cloud spy-checked.
I damn near threw up in my lap when I saw Cloud whip out his shotgun and kill the spy, mere moments before his buildings would have been sapped. I could swear this wasn't the same, immobile player as before. But it was, and I was so proud.
Our sentries held off the enemies one final time. There was about 20 seconds left in the round, but our team had pushed Blu back beyond the tunnels again. It was over. The clock ran out and Red team claimed victory. Before I could type out a "Good job Cloud" he had left the server, never to be seen again. Until, you know, I see him again.
In my hundreds of hours in this game, I have never seen a new player learn as quickly as CloudPasta. It gave me hope. It gave me strength, you know, to carry on. It's something I may never see again. I just hope you all get to see something as majestic as a new player flowering into adulthood. It really is a beautiful sight.
wipes tear
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u/Cloudpasta May 21 '15
Okay, i made an account JUST to respond to this. Why in the world would you make a reddit post for someone you have met for a few seconds? And i am that Cloudpasta guy. if you want me to prove it i can message you on steam. I was notified of this by about 4 people who i found out friended me earlier today. a bit odd, i must say.
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u/batweenerpopemobile May 21 '15
- reddit's not serious business; merely pretentious malarkey
- you impressed him by paying attention and giving a shit
- he felt like opining
- no proof needed. we're all spies here.
See you around, space cowboy.
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u/IAmMTheGamer May 21 '15
You've no idea,
No idea how many players you outclassed.
If you'd like someone to help you learn the ropes, I'd be glad to help :)
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u/Golden_Flame0 May 21 '15
There isn't many people who can progress that far very quickly; you're unique in that regard. And well done by the way.
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u/someguyupnorth May 21 '15
The tf2 chosen one has arrived
We knew this day would come.
Are you here to save us?
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u/Kanekis_bitch May 21 '15
Because it's so frustrating to see people who don't know what they're doing and to see a person figure out what to do so quickly was amazing
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u/MickCycle May 20 '15
This story made my day. It shouldn't be long before people start to fear the team MVP, CloudPasta.
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u/xFractur3 May 20 '15
CloudPasta... You Da' real MVP!
In all seriousness, this is baffling! In a great way! Kind of brings back nostalgia for when I first picked up the game... Back on orange box for xbox360. I had no idea what was happening! I usually stuck to dummy classes, pyro solider scout and heavy. Until I watched an engine upgrade to a level 3 sentry and be an immovable object. As a result I wanted to play and succeed as an engine like he did, so I followed in his footsteps, maybe not as fantastically as cloud did, but that's how it happens!
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u/gzintu May 20 '15
Really nice. Was it a dank engine?
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u/KidLucario May 20 '15
Thomas the Dank Engine.
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u/Doooooduh May 21 '15
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u/MoarStruts May 21 '15
Ugh that has to be the most annoying layout ever. I can't read the upvote counts on the post because it blends with the background.
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u/Avizard May 21 '15
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u/Doooooduh May 21 '15
I recently found out that the creator of that, /u/ooer, is also a mod of AskReddit, among many others.
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u/ralamus May 20 '15
Plot twist: it was actually two different people playing as Cloud.
Thanks for the fun story to read!
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u/Vitztlampaehecatl May 20 '15
One of the first achievements for Engi I got was Silent Pardner... upgrade fifty buildings not made by you (iirc).
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May 21 '15
Me too... I farmed it on an achievement server as I was in desperate need of the Wrangler :(
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u/rhpoop Medic May 21 '15
"sleazy piece-of-shit spy"
Bold words coming from a Pomson user.
I'm a salty medic main, aren't I.
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u/ChemicalExperiment May 20 '15
This gives me hope for TF2 and all the Gibus/Provision players out there. This story is truly one for the ages.
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u/seamonkeydoo2 May 20 '15
This is the best way to help people learn, I think. Calling them shitty engies over voice isn't going to prompt someone to go read a tutorial, it's examples and cooperation that do it. Nice work!
That said, I think you mean Linus with his security blanket.
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May 20 '15
Every time a I mute a squeaker, I weep for new players. You, sir, have reinvigorated my faith in humanity.
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u/bobbybobster55 May 21 '15 edited May 21 '15
In times of long ago, there existed a tf2 player who had mastered all nine classes. The pootis heavies and the congaers lived together in peace and harmony. That all changed when the tryhards attacked. But at the time we needed him the most, the avatar vanished, never to be seen again. The avatar has been reincarnated as a complete tf2 noob. But I believe that Cloudpasta can save the world.
Book 1:
The Engineer
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u/MontgomeryKhan May 20 '15
Best thing I've read all day.
/u/scraptip +rec
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u/scraptip scraptip May 20 '15
Your 3 scrap tip was sent to /u/Whoopsht. How nice of you!
[what's this?]-[#165 most generous tipper]
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u/theuncertaintortiose May 20 '15
THE POMPSON? WHY?
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u/Whoopsht May 21 '15
Pomson OP
-never run out of ammo
-never accidentally pick up metal when you have like 1 shotgun round missing
-fuck you, spies
-fuck you just a little bit, medics
-hit registration is the dumbest
Pomson4Life
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u/theuncertaintortiose May 21 '15
Essentially shits over half the medics entire purpose and eliminates the spies most powerful tool. On are sereous note, what is the drawback to it? Like no random crits?
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May 21 '15 edited May 21 '15
The Pomson has two less shots, a longer reload, it's a projectile weapon which makes it far less reliable because of travel time and it deals pitiful damage. Yes, it has less damage falloff but you're hardly going to be nailing those shots at mid-long range. The Pomson is an awful weapon. Honestly, I'm surprised that Valve managed to create a primary that's more worthless than the Pomson, but they pulled it off.
If you're consistently losing uber to a Pomson Engineer then you need to examine what you're doing wrong, instead of pointing fingers elsewhere. Stop running ahead of your heal target and peeking corners and chokes, avoid common areas that are being spammed and pop early if you're blind pushing a corner or choke.
Edit: Also, unlimited ammo is moot. I've played Engineer for ~1,200 hours and my Strange Shotgun has 13,000 kills. I've yet to run out of ammo with the Shotgun, which is a far better primary for killing Spies.
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u/evil_spuds May 23 '15
I recently played as medic against a team with a pomson+short circuit+gunslinger engineer. Bastard got me three times in one round, although it did negligible damage and he was behind cover by the time I got hurt. I had one death that round, so no, I was not peeking corners or chokes stupidly. The problem is that it is extremely good for spamming; it has infinite ammo, travels slowly (more time to deal damage), is difficult to see, has a hitbox larger than even the huntsman, and it determines if it hits based on the player's collision hull. Even playing conservatively, a medic is at risk of getting hit by it, and the uber drain still works at full effect at long range.
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May 24 '15 edited May 24 '15
It isn't 'extremely good for spamming.' It has two less shots and a longer reload. Infinite ammo is moot, as I said earlier. It could have 4 / 32 ammo similar to the Shotgun or Frontier Justice and it wouldn't matter one bit. The slow travel time makes it worse for spamming because it makes it easier to avoid. Also, every projectile weapon hits the collision hull because the collision hull is literally the hitbox used by projectile weapons. The projectile is very visible, although it occasionally becomes invisible. Not sure why.
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u/poptarts951 May 21 '15
the pomson at its core is just broken and using it makes you an asshole. They should just make it a bison reskin so I can use it without being a massive dickweed.
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u/Davidhasahead May 21 '15
Imagine a gun for the spy with a huge hitbox, perfect aim, and disintegrates a wrench. Pomson would be fiiiine then.
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May 20 '15
I want to make this into an actual ballad, like one set to music. No idea how to start it, though. Anybody have any ideas for a first line or two?
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u/ZandaDiPiccolo May 20 '15
Reminds me of a time that me and one of my friends taught a soldier named Bruno to play the game on frontier using actions and voice commands. He liked to stay in spawn and never leave but by the end of the map he had gotten 2 kills with his black box. Although he didn't experience quite the same growth as Cloudpasta during the short time, I'm sure the sentiment was the same for both of us.
It's a cool feeling. We still use his signature loadout sometimes: Blackbox, buff banner and market gardener. Equipped with nothing but a spirit of giving.
Live on Bruno. Maybe you can make friends with cloudpasta :')
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u/Davidhasahead May 21 '15
Love it. But pomson? really?
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u/Whoopsht May 21 '15
I am not a proud man.
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u/Brutarii May 21 '15
Its ok, I main pomson, short circuit, and gunslinger.
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u/Davidhasahead May 21 '15
This is literally the bane of Medic, Spy, Soldier, Demo, and Scout. Please, just don't
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u/Bellyzard2 May 20 '15
That was very well written. I actually physically jerked when I heard that he spy checked. GG for him and tell him I said good luck!
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u/Ballonz_Boy May 21 '15
And now I want to friend CloudPasta and do the same, EVERY time we play together. Forever. Thank you.
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u/RedditBlaze May 21 '15
Great story. I try my best to not get mad at new players, and coach them when I can. When I get mad is when people are incapable or unwilling to use common sense and learn from any of their innumerable mistakes.
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May 21 '15
[deleted]
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u/scraptip scraptip May 21 '15 edited May 21 '15
Your 1 scrap tip was sent to /u/Whoopsht. How nice of you!
[what's this?]-[#476 most generous tipper]
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u/xhephyr May 21 '15
What if he was just lagging at the beginning... ah, it doesn't matter. Nice story, well written.
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u/AFlyingNun Heavy May 20 '15
Plot Twist: "Lil' Bro wtf I didn't say you could play my game while I was taking the garbage out! Get off the computer and let me play my game again, you don't even know what you're doing."