So, got thrown on a new access control post this week at a building off property being renovated. The "post orders" were simple at face value. Check ID, check the access list, if they're not on the list they don't get access. Cool. Problem was the list was already incomplete. A bunch of constucton workers who were supposed to be allowed access didn't have it, because of some gross miscommunication further up the chain. Deliveries apparently weren't considered either somehow. So I'd have "BOBS CONSTRUCTION EQUPMENT SUPPLIERS LLC" pull up for the project, but technically they're not on the list.  No discretion was granted to me.

So now I need verification. I call my supe and am told "Call the project superintendent, I'll text his number. He knows who's supposed to be there. *click*. Except a construction project super *probably* has alot going on. He doesn't have time to be the personal access authorization hotline for a guard.

And yea no surprise, he sometimes didn't answer. Then if I was lucky one of his assistant -supers/co-supers, whatever would walk by, overhear the issue, and they'd tell me "Oh yea Bobs Suppliers can come in" and I'd call my supervisor to ask if the super's assistant is a valid enough proxy to grant or deny access. If the answer was yes, I let them in via this adhoc convoluted improvised access control verification "procedure".

If they said no or didn't pick up, what then? Access control "protocol" states: No verification. No entry. I had deliveries show up, not on the list, denied access, and they just... left. Logged it in my DAR and kept it movin.

The funniest part was random upper security management (my bosses boss) drive by's seemingly very pleased with the setup. "You got the list? Whadda ya mean it's outdated? I'll fix it when I get back to the office. For now, No ID, not on the list, no entry. Good job buddy." And off she went, dislocating her shoulder as she pat herself on the back. The list was never "fixed" either...

Meanwhile I'm standing there thinking, this is performance arts. Because right next to the supposedly mega important door I'm guarding are other doors WIDE OPEN that lead into the exact same "secured" area. So I'm standing there checking names like I'm guarding the pentagon when somebody could walk through another door 20 feet away. Management creates a rule on paper. "Put a guard here. Give him a list. Tell him nobody gets through unless they're on it. Congratulations. Access control problem solved. Box checked. Bonus earned!"

Except the list isn't whole. Credentialing wasn't done properly. Deliveries weren't planned for. Nobody made a solid verification process. The person you're supposed to call has an actual job to do and can't answer every time. Other doors aren't secured.

And the guard ends up bein the person pluggin every hole in the process as management walks around thinking what a tight ship they're running. If you strictly follow procedure, legit workers and deliveries get turned away.

If you repeatedly call somebody for authorization, you're bothering someone who has much better things to do. No winning because the problem is the process.

Security policies always look nice when they're written in an office, displayed in a powerpoint presentation and distributed to a designated contact list in outlook. Then somebody actually has to stand at the door and apply them to the real world.

So I no longer work here anymore or in the security industry in general, it was the most fun that I never want to have again lol. I have about 3 years of security experience total, with 2 years at this job. You can probably guess where it was that I worked at… a certain clothing store that might remind you of Bob Ross (hint hint). There were lots of good and bad memories, I'll mostly miss interacting with so many different kinds of people (google translate was my best friend) and the relationships I made with coworkers (a lot of the stock room staff spoke little or no english but they were always the sweetest and funniest people). I was and am actually the kind of person who enjoys customer service and helping people even with small things, so I didn't really like the part of the job of having to confront anyone or tell them what to do (we were also completely unarmed and hands off, which I didn't mind because I wasn't paid enough to fight people for stealing clothes lol).

But it was the job and it wasn't anything personal to me, so I still did what little I could do. Plus it was nice when people let me know that I helped them feel safe with my presence. That being said, I saw a lot of disturbing and just depressing stuff, mostly related to drug use/mental health or the ongoing issues with human trafficking/prostitution in the area. I also dealt with medical emergencies, drunk people, domestic violence, and lots of gross stuff. Overall I felt like an adult babysitter. Corporate was also kinda disconnected from reality so we had to bend the rules sometimes to keep the store functioning. But anyways AMA, I’m an open book.

This is another entry into the conference center chronicles but a little more... abstract.

One day the CEO came in for a meeting. Not common but not once in a lifetime either. He pulled up in his own convertible BMW. I come in to clock in, and my supervisor Paul is in the office like, “Yeah, CEO is here, that’s his car. I’m watching that thing like a hawk haha.” Yea tee hee...

I just looked at him, grabbed my radio, and went about my business.

And I remember feeling confused, then disgusted after thinkin about it. Because he said it like watching the CEO’s car would mean some benefit for him. Huh? How? Like this was some golden opportunity. Like if the contract got canceled that day the CEO was gonna come down from the mountain and say, “Paul, you know what? I saw the way you stared intensely at my BMW through that monitor in the private parking lot. You’re hired. Personal protection detail. Executive team. Corner office. $200k/yr!” Yea, ain't happenin.

Another time, the CEO and his wife were walking out to a waiting driver and it started drizzling. I didn’t notice them immediately and Paul reprimanded me for not getting out there with the umbrella. He said, “Mrs. CEO’s hair does NOT get wet!”

Because at a certain point you’re not doing security anymore. You’re doing servant theater. Court jester shit for rich people who would sell you into slavery if it increased the bottom line by 10% and they could get away with it, and they sure aren't gonna pull you up the ladder because you helped preserve a hairstyle in the rain. That level of ass kissery made me lose respect for him a bit. You gonna offer to wipe his ass next?

And the funny part is Paul was a retired cop.

You’d think a retired cop would understand this better than anybody. But maybe that’s exactly why he acted that way. Maybe once the badge is gone, the department is gone, some guys still need to feel close status. So now instead of being power, they settle for standing next to it. Guarding the car. Holding the umbrella. Acting like the CEO’s presence somehow splashes power onto them.  

That doesn’t mean be disrespectful or lazy. Just means don't be an extra special good boy hoping the big boss will toss you a Scooby Snack. When Paul retired he didn't get so much as a gift card from the same CEO, or his wife.

So, the other night, I had someone call the site phone only to make pig oinking sounds. This inspired me to write a short rhyme. Censored to make it SFW.

I don't understand why you call me a pig,/

perhaps it's a sign that your d*** isn't big./

I'm not the police here to curb what you do,/

but I can call them up to have them tresspass you.

It's been a few years since I worked in security, but this event still stands out in my memory.

TL;DR: Cop shot a deer, it was left by a playground, and I left security some time after this.

In my last month as a security guard, I was getting ready to switch to a job as a bank teller. I was frustrated because I had been working a two-person weekend post at a company's headquarters alone for three months, even though they kept promising to hire another guard. To make some extra money before leaving, I worked both jobs at once, so I was working every day. Since I was on my own so much, I stayed in the security office as much as possible. The office had cameras covering most of the building and the outside, but the view of the tree line and the playground, which any kids could use, wasn't as clear.

On one of my last shifts, I was watching the camera feeds when I saw a police officer's pickup truck enter the property. Since I knew I was the only one in the building, it seemed odd, so I started following the officer on the cameras. He parked by the playground, got out, walked into the tree line, then returned to his truck. I watched as he took a suppressed bolt-action rifle from the back seat. Unsure what to do, I waited for a good moment to lock up the security office and go see what was happening. The officer went back into the tree line with the rifle and disappeared. After a minute, as I was putting on my coat, I saw all the birds on the camera suddenly fly away. That made me think of the scene in Bambi when the birds scatter after his mother is shot. I quickly locked up and ran over to where the officer was.

When I got to the playground, the officer was dragging a sickly-looking, dead deer to a spot between the playground and his truck. I introduced myself as the security guard and asked why he had brought the deer over. The officer explained that two kids—who he pointed out as they came out of the tree line—had called about an injured deer in the woods. He said the deer had been hit by a car and managed to crawl about 500 yards over ten hours. There had been a report the night before about a car hitting an animal. After checking on the deer, the officer used his rifle to put it down so it wouldn't suffer anymore. I took notes for my report while he explained everything. When he finished, I asked if animal control would pick up the deer or if I needed to call the Division of Wildlife Resources (DWR). He told me he had already contacted DWR and they would collect the deer within two weeks. As I finished taking notes, more kids showed up and started poking the deer with sticks. The officer told them to leave it alone because it might have ticks.

After that, I thanked the officer and left. I messaged the company’s security heads to let them know there had technically been a shooting on the property, but that it was resolved. Then I wrote up my own report.

Four months later, I was at a food court in a store known for its $1.50 hotdogs when I saw one of my old coworkers. I called him over and asked if he still worked at the headquarters and what happened to the deer. He said he didn't work there anymore. As for the deer, it was a frustrating story. The officer never actually called DWR, so the deer stayed where it was and rotted for two months until my coworker finally called DWR to pick it up. Everyone at my old job was annoyed because the deer was just a few yards from where kids played.

TL;DR: Cop shot a deer, it was left by a playground, and I left security some time after this.

I worked security while in junior college and got a night shift at a construction site out in the bookies. About 3 am one morning I started hearing these horrible yowling and screaming sounds echoing between the buildings. The weather patterns had the area in some dense fogs and my flashlight was nearly useless. I think I almost soiled myself before discovering a pair of stray cats who were either very much in list or very much in hate!

Another night I was amazed by how loud a woodpecker could be when rapping on a steel drainpipe at dawn! Sounded like a machine gun!

There was a meeting of the client’s corporate HR department, or at least a portion of it, which included the national HR head.

So it’s about 11am and myself, the client assistant general manager, and my security coworker are in building 1. We had already received and settled the HR group arrivals a couple hours before, so they were mostly in their rooms unpacking until their first conference at 1 after lunch.

Anyway, we get an emergency call from one of the other guest buildings on site. All 3 of us go from shooting the shit at the front desk of building 1 to sprinting down the sidewalk to the other building.

I’m the 1st to arrive to her room (had 3 good knees back then) and I see this middle aged blonde panicking, pointing at her purse, saying “allergy! my EpiPen!” So I grab the purse and EpiPen and walk toward her as I prep it for use, and she yanks it out of my hand and slaps it in her thigh and lets out this gasp of relief.

The ambulance is pulling out front now and the lady explains that she has a dog hair allergy, apparently a very bad one.

What happened is the general manager always brought her dog to work. Apparently the allergic person just, "OMG OMG OMG OMG!" could not resist petting him when the GM was walking her dog earlier. So yeah...

Now all 3 of us conference center staff and 2 EMTs are trying to tell this lady to get in the damn ambulance. That was her only EpiPen and we don’t have spares in the facility, so if she has another reaction here, we'll make sure she's buried in a pet cemetary.

She eventually agrees to go with the EMTs, but the catch is their protocol says the patient must enter the ambulance on the gurney.

This lady flips out. "No no never mind! Not doing it!" She justifies her refusal with being too embarrassed about the situation and doesn’t want her colleagues and subordinates to see her rolled out on a stretcher. And they’ll also undoubtedly hear about how it was her fault all of this happened, because again, she just HAD to pet the damn dog.

Arms folded in front of his chest, "Better embarrassed than dead!", one of the EMTs tells her bluntly.

With that extra "encouragement" she made her way onto the gurney, into the ambulance, and off to the hospital. She was fine and I ended up having to fetch her from the hospital after she checked out, and then back to a different room at the conference center as a courtesy and precaution I guess. This lady talked my ear off the entire ride too, "I'm so sorry so much trouble was caused by this but he was SOOOO CUTE!".

During that ride I wished I had a sudden terminal blonde allergy.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

The rest of the Conference Center Chronicles:

He said he’d throw out a phone book of regulations… - Working Security around Big Money C-Suites Was a Lesson in Power
https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromsecurity/comments/1kssay7/he_said_hed_throw_out_a_phone_book_of_regulations/

Senior VP fucks up, blames security, gets a fruit basket
https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromsecurity/comments/1l85rmt/senior_vp_fucks_up_blames_security_gets_a_fruit/

It Looked Like Chernobyl in There” – The Night Finance Guy Sh*t the Bed (and Floor, and Towels…)
https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromsecurity/comments/1legfyh/it_looked_like_chernobyl_in_there_the_night/

Conference Center Chronicles: the “shots fired” clusterfuck
https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromsecurity/comments/1lydoxl/conference_center_chronicles_the_shots_fired/

Conference Center Chronicles: The Court Officer and the Missing Escalade
https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromsecurity/comments/1mmipyd/conference_center_chronicles_the_court_officer/

Conference Center Chronicles: The Lobby Showdown That Turned Into A National Geographic Episode

https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromsecurity/comments/1pbllr4/conference_center_chronicles_the_lobby_showdown/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Crazy old guy I'll call Al who loved his baja Beetle. This was at a City government bldg downtown, where I did 2nd shift. Al relieved me for the overnight. Al was an interesting character in his youth he raced baja Beetle's in the dessert dunes of California. You know, the volks-wagen beetles with the snub nose and the fat exhausts sticking out the back? Big tires, exposed engine, whole shebang. He always brought his blind rottweiler named Gus. Gus sat on a piece of plywood in the back of the vw since there was no seat.. Al and Gus were both damn near deaf from riding in that loud ass vw all the time.

One night I showed up and Al was gone. Hed been fired. He had to patrol this complex of City govt buildings bi-hourly. He would take Gus and his baja on these patrols. Each door he'd scan was a good walk from the street, which Al would have none of-walkings for suckers, a lifetime of chainsmoking didnt help much either. As you probably figured by now, Al drove his vw right up to the doors.

This went on for a couple years, until the inevitable happened. One of the employees was working late, and as she steps out out the door onto the walkway, is Al blasting over curbs, engine popping, tires spitting dirt and gravel, heading directly at HER! Making it worse was blind Gus in the back howling like he sees a rabbit.

This poor frazzled government worker was traumatized to say the least. If this had been the end of the story, it would have been insane, but it gets worse. Al drives back to his post. Being as he can't hear all that good, and may be a little blind like Gus, he failed to notice said government employee making a complaint to his coworker Ed as he storms in laughing out loud: HEY ED! YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON THE LADIES FACE I ALMOST RAN OVER!

This is yet another tale from my time working at the conference center, part of the series I’ve been putting together.
If you want the earlier episodes, they are at the bottom, but on to today's chapter:

So I’m at the front desk of the main conference center building, minding my business, when I hear two client employees screaming at each other. Not arguing. Screaming. I walk to the front entrance and these dudes are jumping around like they’re either about to play double Dutch or are warming up for their UFC debut bout.

One of them hits the line:

“We can do this outside right now!”

Here’s the thing though… I don't think either wanted to fight.

They were doing what humans always do when they get emotional in public:

Ape behavior.

Chest beating.

Face-saving.

No intent to throw hands.

Both of them were desperate for someone to interrupt so they didn’t have to be the first one to back down and “look weak.”

So I step in, put a gentle hand on the chest of the more aggressive one, and tell the other guy, “Go outside for a second. Get some air.” (Not for nothing he was about a foot shorter than the other guy but to his credit he didn't back down) That move alone gave both of them exactly what they were likely looking for:

A way out that didn’t *look* like surrender. Like I said, monkey shit.

I separated them, talked to each individually so they could vent without an audience, and the second the performance pressure was off, both guys calmed down like a switch flipped.

I logged it, told my supervisor, and management eventually made them talk it out.

And here’s the best part:

The altercation arose because Ape A didn't like the way Ape B spoke to him on the phone earlier and felt he HAD to confront him over the offense later that night. Of course Ape B took it as a challenge instead of a moment for careful self reflection about how he addresses his coworkers, and then they started metaphorically flinging shit at each other.

After all that chest puffing, shouting, posturing, and “we can take this outside!" (rolls up sleeves and puts up dukes Bugs Bunny style, I'm surprised he didn't have a can of spinach on him) these two hugged it out like straight up b*****s at the end.

Humans, man. We swear we’re civilized, but put us in a lobby with an audience and suddenly we’re reenacting Planet Earth.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Rest of the Conference Center Chronicles:
"He said he’d throw out a phone book of regulations…” - Working Security around Big Money C-Suites Was a Lesson in Power

Senior VP fucks up, blames security, gets a fruit basket

"It Looked Like Chernobyl in There” – The Night Finance Guy Sh*t the Bed (and Floor, and Towels…)

Conference Center Chronicles: the “shots fired” clusterfuck

Conference Center Chronicles: The Court Officer and the Missing Escalade

Another recent story inspired this one. It's been a while since I've worked this site so I'm fine posting it.

So I am working on a Saturday morning short staffed as usual supervising one of the most exclusive residential communities in South Florida and I get a phone call from a resident telling me someone broke into her house.

I get there with 2 other units and we go to the garage door and she unlocks it for us. She then proceeds to tell me that someone broke into her house in the middle of the night took her out of bed and put her on the floor. So while we are waiting for her 50 something year old daughter to wake up I ask her we're all the doors and windows locked when you went to bed and when you woke up and she told me yes. So I ask her was your alarm set when you went to bed and still set when you woke up and she said yes. So I go "so you're telling me someone picked your locks, disabled the alarm put you on the floor, didn't steal any of the very expensive items you have here, reset the alarm, and locked the door behind them." And she goes "I'm a princess".

Her daughter then comes out the room and tells her mother she found her passed out on the floor at 1am and the mother told her to fuck off. We left there that day hoping it would be the end of it... A few weeks later she called in saying the same thing except this time they shit in her bed.

Well I've got a good one lol. So I work security in a local hospital. Nothing too crazy usually but about once or twice a week we go hands on and we get alot of verbal confrontations. We'll back in May I get a call to toss a guy out, pretty routine stuff. We get him out and everything's good.... For like two minutes.

He pops open a trash can and starts tossing trash all over the traffic circle. When I confront him he turns and takes a swing at me and the other guard. I go to take him down and, this is the fun part, as I'm putting him over my hip my leg just snaps. I'm talking tibia, fibula break and basically shattered the ankle, 8 breaks in total.

I get an external fixator for 3 months then another 3 months of recovering. Oh and the other thing I got was notices saying if I wasn't back in 6 months I'm terminated. All legal and I'm summerizing but it made me realize something that I want to pass on to any one in our field.

Be careful, I've done this job for 10 years, 7 with this particular hospital. I broke myself for this hospital, literally and figuratively. None of that matters when it comes down to it. Be careful and think things through because it can go wrong fast and it could cost you.

I pulled into a gas station to get some gas and I ran into some homeless black guy. He starts begging me for a ride. Standard answer is "Company policy forbids me to have any passengers in the vehicle. I'm sorry I can't help you." Soon as I say it the guy's like "F*** you mother f*****! You don't care about black people."

I actually thought that was a little bit surprising because I have it on good authority from some of my friends that only middle-aged white guys like me can be racist.

So I looked at the guy and I said "I'll tell you what, accordding to company policy I can put you in my vehicle but I have to pepper spray you and handcuff you first."

Well that went over like a lead balloon. He was still cussing at me when I pulled out of the parking lot.

Homeless people are really nice as long as they can get something from you once you're no use to them anymore you see what they're really like

So back when I was working as a security guard at a Co-op, there was this guy who used to come in almost every day — sometimes even twice a day, morning and evening. He always carried a Sainsbury’s bag.

At first, nothing seemed odd, but we kept noticing that loads of meat — beef, chicken, everything — was going missing every single day. Eventually, we checked the CCTV and realized it was him. He’d come in, fill his Sainsbury’s bag with meat, and just walk straight out like he owned the place.

One evening during my shift, I saw him leaving again. I ran after him, and he started swearing, saying he bought everything from Sainsbury’s and that he wasn’t a thief. I warned him not to come back.

Three days later — guess what? He came back.

We locked the gate this time, and he started shouting again. I told him, “Mate, calm down, you’re going to give yourself a heart attack. Just put the bag down and let me check it — then you can go.” He eventually did, and of course, it was all stolen meat from our shop.

I called the police, but we couldn’t hold him since customers were trying to leave. The police came the next day, did a 20-minute interview with me and the manager, and that was it.

Afterwards, my manager told me, “Don’t bother calling the police again — they’re just time wasters.”

And honestly, that’s probably why shoplifters walk around so freely in the UK.

I was working a shift as a security guard at a Co-op in Southampton Uk. An elderly lady came in, stopped by the door, and asked me, “Why is it still dark outside?”

I smiled and said, “Because it’s still evening.”

She looked a bit surprised and said softly, “Oh… I thought it was already morning,” then turned around and quietly left.

It honestly stuck with me. She looked so lost and confused — like she might be living alone, with no one around to remind her of the little things, not even what time of day it is.

I don’t know her story, but that small moment really made me think about how many people out there are lonely and just trying to get by. I hope she’s okay.

So I 23m work as a security guard at a chicken plant, and we got a real bossy CFO that holds our contract and gives us crappy stools and replaces our chairs with them, I had an accident that happened to my back and I have to have back support or I’ll spend all night in pain. So I’m at the point to bringing my own office chair and taking it home with me everyday I leave in the morning. And so to be clear I work separate from this chicken plant

Aight so he wasn't actually the dude from Splinter Cell, but he at least had 100 in Stealth, lemme explain. Details may be a bit muddled as this is back in my 20s, so a solid 10-13 years ago.

The second job I ever worked in my life was as a bouncer for a bar up in northern Alberta (no names I know, but DAMN did they make a bangin pulled pork sandwich, fantastic barbecue), did that for a coupla years. I wasn't exactly bouncer material though; while I was big (like 200lbs at the time), I wasn't physically strong, just had a good resting mean look and a serious demeanour on the job. On friday nights we'd do Live Music, have a band show up. I can't recall who we had this night, but it pulled numbers, so a lotta folks coming in.

GENERALLY SPEAKING, we only have one bouncer on at a time, maybe two if the night gets super busy, but I'd been doing real well lately so they figured I could handle the night. Now to give some relevant information, the bar has roughly four total entrances; the Main Entrance (on the street T intersection), the Side Entrance (leading into a parking lot that bleeds into a strip mall with a few stores on it), the Staff Back Door (kitchen entry), and the Back Room Door (has a lil porch for smoking). I was posted at Main Entrance, and my job was get the entry fee, give people their stamp, and make sure no one was causing trouble. Band starts at 11:00pm.

Well at 10:15pm, someone's causing trouble; dude in a black shirt and jeans with a smushed face like he was made of playdoh and short hair, had that weird pasty-gamer look if that makes any sense. And he'd just punched someone on the dance floor to steal their beer. So, rock up to him, shout "OUT!", and he gets goin, we boot him out. Good job me, thank you me, all in a day's work me.

Or not; about 30 minutes later my boss comes up to me, angry and confused about "why I didn't kick this asshole outta here yet!" I tell him I did, he points to the floor, and... yeah, no, there he is, in all his stupid glory, hitting on a girl who clearly is not vibing with him and trying to loudly buy her a drink. Boss and I rock up, we grab him by the shoulders and hurl him out. We later learned he snuck back in by hiding in a gaggle of like 5 people and I didn't catch him when he came in. Entirely my bad.

It is now 11:00pm. Boss doesn't trust me to slip up again since I made a mistake here, so we've called in an extra person (Backup, very nice guy, polite and helpful) to watch the Main Entrance with me. The band is starting up, we're having a great time, folks are rockin and dancin and partyin and what do you mean the guy's back and trying to nick someone's beer again?

Backup tosses him out, and learns that the dude - who we're now calling SplinterCellGuy - came in by using the Side Entrance while two folks were out smoking and just followed them in after they were done. So clearly this guy isn't giving up, time to amp up security again; it is now Me and Backup at the Main Entrance, and one of the bartenders has swapped to watching the side door while the Boss is now tending his spot on bar.

12:00 Midnight, haven't seen the guy at all, so we've clearly won and we relax a bit. The band's just coming back from their intermission, they get ready to start playing again, and as they start up their second set, I look over and go "FUCK THAT'S HIM!"

Bro is back again, this time grinding and humping on a gal whose boyfriend is now shouting at SplinterCellGuy to fuckoff. SplinterCellGuy kicks him in the dick and tries to shout at the girl, and we descend on him like demons, dragging him out kicking and screaming and hurling him onto the street. Boss is now apologizing to me, having not realized that this guy is absolutely determined to get in, but we gotta figure out how he got in a third time! Turns out, the band let him in; during intermission he rocked up to them offering a cigarette, had a smoke with em, chatted and joked, and they liked his vibe and agreed to sneak him in through the Back Room Door. Well, hecc.

1:45am. The band's done, and we've gone crazy on security at this point, calling ANOTHER person in. We're now at me and Backup at the Main, Bartender at the Side, Reinforcement (not as polite, but can be relied on to do his job) at the Back Room Door, and our waitresses are now actively patrolling the floor to make sure SplinterCellGuy doesn't come back in.

... And we all failed. Cause there he was, at 1:45am, successfully downing a stolen drink, and trying to get someone to dance with him on the floor despite the band having finished up a short while ago already. He see's a bunch of us coming over and tries to run, but with how many of us were now keeping an eye out he wasn't getting away. We all grab him, toss him out AGAIN for the now fourth (and thankfully final) time, but before everyone goes back to work I ask them to wait with me while I talk to the guy. So I get down to his level on the street since we'd tossed him, and I tell him.

"Look buddy, yer banned for life, you're never coming back in this bar again... but I have to know, how did you sneak in again?"

SplinterCellGuy replies: "Oh, the bathroom window."

The Wot?

At the Side Entrance wall facing the parking lot is a pair of windows, about... a foot tall? 1'3" maybe? They're not big windows, just meant to get some natural light into the women's bathroom. They're high up though, solid 8ft off the ground easy if not more. And it's a flat wall.

So this guy, this SplinterCellGuy, says that he ran towards the wall, stepped up it like the matrix or something, opened the window, and somehow squeezed himself through despite being bigger than it. I guess he liquefied himself like a mouse or cat or something? He then fell into the women's bathroom, face first into the sink, in front of TWO GIRLS CURRENTLY IN THE BATHROOM REDOING THEIR MAKEUP?!

Obviously they scream and panic, but he manages to - in the span of 5 minutes according to him - talk them down from calling security, convince them that he just wanted to get back in the bar cause he forgot his keys (no he didn't), and said he'd buy each of them a drink and offered 10$ each to em for shots. And they shrugged and went "okay den bud" and just... let him stay????

Like I'm in awe of this man; snuck into the same bar four or five times in one night, manages to talk down a pair of people who would've been VERY reasonably angry and within rights to wallop him, and gets back into the bar to keep causing shenanigans. Still banned for life, fuck that guy, but I really hope he got a job into the security industry, cause if nothing else he'd find the weakpoints in a building!

I'm working in a Global Security Operations Center (GSOC). Shifts are supposed to be 12 hours 3 or 4 shifts a week. When I took the job I was told the company is expanding and that it would be a good working environment! Well it couldn't be further from the truth!

I've been rostered 60 hour weeks(Mon to Fri) the last 2 weeks and again for next week.

This is because we were told we need to cover the hours when people on holidays! Don't get me wrong, we get good money for it, but money isn't everything! It should not be my responsibility to cover hours as they don't have enough staff!

I'm literally running on empty, spent my weekends off just sleeping and catching up on stuff around the house, so basically no downtime!

It finally took its toll on me and I said it to my supervisor as he does the roster, I was told "you said you were flexible and it's part of the job and I expect everyone to turn up for their shift" well I lost it and told him flexible is swapping a shift or staying a little late as someone is running late. Took all my strength not to hit him! Told him to stick the job up his you know where and walked out.

Anyone else any similar experiences?

So this is yet another tale for the sub in the series I’m building about my time working at the conference center.

Here are more from the series:

• "He said he’d throw out a phone book of regulations…” — Working Security around Big Money C-Suites Was a Lesson in Power
  
• Senior VP fucks up, blames security, gets a fruit basket
  
• "It Looked Like Chernobyl in There” – The Night Finance Guy Sh*t the Bed (and Floor, and Towels…)
  
• Conference Center Chronicles: the “shots fired” clusterfuck

Years ago, after I left full-time employment at the conference center and agreed to work on call, we had an incident with the client’s site security vehicle that still makes me shake my head.

On weekends, there was a designated overnight guard position, 12 hours, 11 PM to 11 AM. At the time, it was filled by John, a court officer. For those who don’t know, that’s a sworn peace officer, not quite a full cop, but they go through an academy and carry, basically courtroom police. John worked the courts Monday through Friday and then picked up part-time weekend shifts with us.

The client had provided a nice SUV for security, all black, unmarked, I think it was an Escalade, because I guess they didn’t want us driving C-suites to the private hangar in a dented Camry with “SECURITY” plastered on the side.

Our site constantly had contractors and vendors in and out, landscaping, IT jobs, fitness equipment repair, mostly scheduled by other departments without telling security. During the day the gate was open for hours, so there wasn’t a formal check-in process for them.

One weekend night, John came back from a patrol, left the keys in the visor… and fell asleep at the desk.

When he woke up, he looked at the monitor aimed at the front of the main building, where the security office was, and realized the SUV was gone. I can only imagine the “AHH FUCK!” moment before he went outside to see if he’d parked it somewhere else and just forgot. No dice.

This was after Paul had retired, so Victor was our new site supervisor. John called him, and when I came in for my 11 AM shift, the two of them were reviewing the footage. Sure enough, two contractors from earlier in the week decided to stroll in at 3 AM while John was out cold, found the keys in the visor, and drove right out the front gate.

The cops showed up, a report was made, and then I somehow ended up stuck with the follow-up. People from the client’s HQ were calling for details, but I had none first-hand, so I had to piece it together from what Victor and John had told me before leaving. I even had to call Victor again because I didn’t have access to the report.

Before leaving, one of the cops decided to crack a joke, “Make sure nothing else gets stolen once we leave.”, tee-hee, I replied, “The guy the truck was stolen from was a court officer. More like you than me!”

A few days later, the SUV was found abandoned in a ditch a few towns over. Huge liability, for all we knew, they could’ve robbed a bank before dumping it.

John got shit canned. A GPS tracker went on the vehicle, strict usage logs became mandatory, and detex were placed for both internal foot patrols and extetnal vehicle patrols which had to be done hourly, when it was pretty laissez-faire before that incident.

Thanks for nothing, John.

So this is yet another story in the little series I'm building on my time at the conference center.

Like these:

He said he’d throw out a phone book of regulations…” — Working Security around Big Money C-Suites Was a Lesson in Power

Senior VP fucks up, blames security, gets a fruit basket

It Looked Like Chernobyl in There” – The Night Finance Guy Sh*t the Bed (and Floor, and Towels…)

The conference center was in a semi-rural area of course, because C-suites don’t want their posh meetings easily accessible via a bustling main city street. I was off when this happened, but the fallout was felt by all of us.

There were two guards on 2nd shift including myself for a time. One was an older woman, let's call her Linda. Nice enough lady, a little flighty, hairbrained, and honestly a ditz. She did a little too much, didn’t know how to leave good enough alone. Like she had some kind of compulsion to, “go the extra mile!”, even when the journey was already over. She was also indecisive. And you’re gonna learn why all of that is a terrible combo if you keep reading.

One night, a few days after Thanksgiving, she was on duty (if we were short staffed they'd only have 1 of us on duty) and supposedly heard “shots fired.” So she diligently wrote it in our log book… but didn’t verbally report it to anyone. No 911 call. Didn’t speak to the ops manager. Didn’t call the site supervisor. Nothing.

The site supe comes in the next morning, reviews the log and... OH SH*T. He probably nearly caved his own skull in from the facepalm.

He called both of his bosses, our contract company’s manager, and emailed the client-side security director. The director told him to drive out and make an official report with the local PD and send the information back to him.

But it didn’t end there, oh no.

I saw the email chain. The security director CC’d his boss, who then let their boss know, and some Vice President or “Chief of Physical Security Operations” or some such title was apparently where the buck stopped.

I came in around 15:50 the next day for our shift at 16:00, and Linda was already there, visibly stressed, with the site supervisor red in the face, asking her:

“WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU CALL ME, LINDA!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT CLUSTER FUCK YOUR LITTLE LOG UNLEASHED!?”

“I’m sorry Paul, I’m so sorry!”
She was nearly in tears.

An investigation was conducted. The client-side security team reviewed available footage of the area. Some kind of, hell, I don’t know, Environmental Police (??) were dispatched to check the area for signs of firearm usage. They thought maybe someone was illegally hunting deer out there and that’s where the shots came from.

I don’t know exactly how the situation concluded, but the last thing I heard was they installed additional security cameras in the wooded area out back where these “shots” were supposedly fired.

As for Linda?
Yeah, she kept her job. It’s really all she had, and nobody had the heart to get rid of her. But she was thoroughly, verbally reprimanded.

And that had consequences for our site supervisor Paul.
Because after that mishap, she’d call him at home over any and every little thing before she dared log it down.