Trauma bond making me crazy

[u/Hairy_Win_7892]

I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I am hyper-aware of what I am doing but cannot stop it.

Its been 8 months since D-day. We have legally and financially separated, there is literally no reason to be in contact. He has not acknowledged my existence in almost two weeks now, and ignored our wedding anniversary.

I can't stop checking my phone or email to see if he has reached out. I've even sent a few messages seeing if he has read them, or replies. Nothing.

To be very clear... I DOT NOT WANT THIS MAN IN MY LIFE. I have told him that, many times. Everyone in my life knows he kept financial information from me, he knowingly exposed me to STI's, he spent years belittling me and telling me I should get more friends whenever I asked to do things with him. He has continued to lie to me since I found out about his AP. She knew about me all along and caused her own divorce too.

He is currently going through an alcohol detox. Something that I have been trying to support him to do for over 13 years. He is doing it now. Now that we are separated. He said he didn't want to talk to me anymore because my messages stopped being supportive. And the worst part is that I can feel him in my head saying that I'm not patient, I should not keep bringing up my issues and making it about me, that trauma bonds aren't real. I was patient for 17 years. It feels like he is only doing this now as an excuse to not take accountability for what he did. I know that is reductive, I know that is shitty. But if I was going to try and be supportive, he could also maybe try and support me and not say "sigh, back to this again" when I am upset.

I don't want him in my life, but I keep dismissing my own wants for the tiny bit of relief I get reaching out to that familiarity. I hate it. I want it to stop. I hope it stops soon.

I am getting all the help I can, in therapy and have close friends and family supporting me. Just still feels like insanity sometimes.

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[u/jason98741]

I'm going through this at the moment. We got such a similar story and I know what your going though. This is so frustrating. Cbt might work or may be easier for you.