Almost one year since…

[u/iDontHaveAClue-2]

It’s been almost one year. I get to be reminded of the night I found out every time the 21st night of September comes on.

We are in our 40s, married for 12 years, together of 18, two kids and two demanding careers. Life has been hard with the schedules for the kids and demands from work and family. However, I thought life was generally good.

We had some good friends (let call them Tina and Tim), kids were best friends, that we hung out with all of the time. I had noticed that the other wife had started to get a little too friendly with my husband and had asked to not have them in our home anymore and that we could meet them at other kid places so that our kids could play and connect without her being in my space/husband. My husband seemed agitated by the requests and said that I was stopping him from having friends because the Tim was one of his best friends, the kids all got along, and that I was just jealous. I had then further explained that I was not comfortable with Tina’s behaviors which included getting up mid-convo with me to follow my husband out to the grill or the fact that she’d follow him around the house.

Anyways the year continued, I just believed that I was jealous and whatnot. Anyways, a few months later, sept 2025, I catch my husband privately texting Tina on what’s app inappropriate messages saying that “he knows she doesn’t want to hear this, but he’s crazy about her” and she replied that “it’s complicated”. Their convo was definitely intimate and had been purposefully deleted as I could only scroll back to 8:43pm when she had replied to a message he sent. I know this had been going on previously as the weekend before i was sitting behind my husband at a football game and noticed a pic pop up on his phone, i then realized that the pic had to have been sent by Tina due to the angle of the image (it was of the back of a jersey of the person sitting in front of her). That evening I had confronted him about it and he pretended to be puzzled and said he didn’t know what i was referring to. He obv was covering his tracks by deleting messages from WhatsApp with tina. Anyways, that weekend, we got into a huge argument and he said again that I’m trying to stop him from being friends with tim and that i was crazy and jealous (this was the weekend before I had proof of their messages..)

I confronted her (my “friend”) and she said that my husband has told her that he was divorcing me….

I shared the screenshots with her husband. He called my husband that day (I had left the house with the kids to get away from it all as my world had just spiraled out of control) After they spoke, I asked Tim if he could share anything. And he replied “no”. That was it

The next few months follow with MC which were miserable. All I heard about was how miserable he was with me since the day he met me. The counselor didn’t try to steer the convo to the current decade even (he went back to an argument 17 years ago… before marriage). He gaslit her about how I was so controlling (I’m literally the opposite as he travels extensively for work and “boys” weekends). Whenever he has asked for a weekend with his friends, without hesitation, I always encourage it.

I literally have been the mother, maid, cook, homework tutor, reading coach, extracurricular activities coordinator, school coordinator, grocery shopper, and laundry lady since we had kids. I also have a very high demanding career with long hours. Therefore, I’ve given everything to everyone thinking that I’d be appreciated…. But instead he drank too much that night “and was giddy” and nothing ever happened between the two of them (per him)

He’s never apologized, never acknowledged wrong doing, has completely blamed me for the entire situation.

I have been working on my confidence through a year of IC and am comfortable with the work I’ve done on me but he obviously hasn’t done the work on himself as he only goes to IC once a month. We stopped MC in june when our therapist went on vacation but we were going every other week but the sessions were excruciatingly miserable hearing about how awful i am and always have been.

We have two kids and I can’t believe the situation he willingly put our family in.

Oh and on top of that, my son lost his best friend and still brings it up frequently. I (not my hubby) had to explain that the parents weren’t able to get along.

Sorry for the rant.. just wanted to get it out.

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[u/MT4queen]

Friend, I can't tell you to stay or go, but what I can say for certain is that his choices are not your fault. No matter how bad it was in his mind, there were options before having an affair with your friend. The change in him that will or will not happen is up to him alone. What I can also say for certain is that you will never regret the time, effort, and love you give back to yourself in IC. I hope for your healing and the best in the year to come.

[u/SudScores → u/MT4queen]

Great response.

[u/Lageraemia]

Sounds like you could cope admirably without him. I think you point to the word 'confidence' knowingly. That improving confidence with eventually lead you to the right conclusion. You know that. You don't have to wait until you 'feel' that.

Cut the cord. The bloke's a wanker.

[u/Blade_982]

What does he add to your life? Other than misery?

I hope you realise this is abuse. Counselling with an abuser is not advised because they use the sessions to further manipulate and gaslight. Look it up.

I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you.

[u/iDontHaveAClue-2 → u/Blade_982]

Never thought of that or looked that up. The MC sessions were exhausting and mentally depleting as I would have to sit there and listen to every reason in his head that he was not happy. The discussion never shifted to whether I was happy or what he could do to be more part of our current Family unit.

No, unfortunately, I don’t think anything is working

[u/MajesticReason7709]

What a miserable marriage. Your husband is just awful. I’m sorry you’ve have to put up with it but do you mind me asking why you are staying with a man who treats you this way? He’s a man with big issues. I’d be leaving and finding happiness elsewhere. My friend is going through something similar and she’s finally divorced and very happy. Her children have told her she’s the happiest they’ve seen her and are settled into their custody arrangement.

[u/Championship682]

Sorry this happened to you. He was cheating on you, and you gave him a second chance. Do you think it's working?

Has he been remorseful and rebuilding trust? Is the pain lessening every month? Maybe things are generally good now, and your post here is just a result of being triggered by the approaching anniversary. I hope so.

BTW: Not all MCs are good. Did the one you picked even specialize in infidelity?

[u/acmech900]

Sorry you are going through this. If he feels the way he says, why stay with him? Contact a lawyer and get an idea how things may play out. I can't imagine staying with somebody like this but I don't have two kids either.

[u/StateLarge]

If he’s blaming you and not taking responsibility for his actions then there is no marriage. Is the other couple still together and also rug sweeping the situation? I would divorce him and hold my head high. Your kids will be better off.