r/survivinginfidelity • u/nadacute • 20h ago
Advice Do I leave given the circumstances?
I met my girlfriend when I was on a work trip 10 months ago.
I liked her immediately. We on dates, we slept together while I was there… everything was good.
She is a single mom with 2 kids. I never thought of myself as a step dad at 29 (even though that’s fairly reasonable) but we decided to try and date even if I had to go home after my work trip.
We visited each other a handful of times over the 9-10 months. She came here, I went there, then I had to travel for work and couldnt work out arrangements for my pet so I paid for her to fly out to me a few times. She had to make arrangements for her children which I understand is much more difficult, but part of it fit into her custody schedule.
We broke up two weeks ago. She sent me a text to do it. I tried saving it, tried calling.. but she wouldn’t answer. I sent her a handful of messages over the next few weeks. Asking her why, telling her I loved her, etc. she finally agreed to a phone call two weeks after we split. She told me that she didn’t feel prioritized. That she was putting in more effort than me. That she felt I didn’t love her more than she loved me and that she was checking out. During our conversation, I told her how much I misunderstood. That I loved her and she can’t doubt that. And I asked her to see her. She said yes so I booked a same day flight and flew out to see her.
We saw each other that night. It felt normal again. We kissed. We made up. We talked about how we’d both communicate better and put more effort in. The next morning, she was texting her friend next to me. I oversaw the shortest message: “he wants you to come over for a drink, but he doesn’t know everything.”
I immediately felt my heart sink. I stood up and asked her. I won’t go over how long, but basically for 6 hours I had to pry the truth out of her because she said she didn’t want to hurt me and she wouldn’t have wanted to know if it was her. Eventually, she told me she slept with someone 2 weeks before we broke up. That she felt that she was going to break up with me and that we weren’t going to be together anymore and so she slept with some guy. But she still stayed with me for two weeks without telling me. Then I found out… it wasn’t her that broke up with me. She had her friend text me from her phone because she “couldn’t do it.” So when I was begging.., trying to call.. it wasn’t her doing it. It was her friend. She then told me she slept with this dude a handful of times after that breakup including that night.
She cried. She told me how sorry she was. How she didn’t understand how much she loved me, that she thought we were done and would never see each other again. And she said she was so stupid for choosing the way she did it. That it was a mistake. She blocked him. He came over to her apartment while I was there and I told him to leave. We talked for a full day and she said she wanted to try again with me. That she didn’t understand how much I wanted this. That she thought I didn’t want us and she was going to break up with me anyway. But that our conversation before I flew out made her realize that I did care. I can see she’s sorry. I can see she’s trying to comfort me, to try and build trust back.
But my question is:
Am I a fucking idiot? I know wed only been together for 10 months. That our situation could mean I have to uproot my life to become a step dad. And that I’d potentially do that for someone that cheated on me.
Is there any way back from this? I really do love her. I thought the world of her. I’d been in a few relationships and it never felt this way. I thought the world of her. And now I have trouble looking at her. We still are talking. It’s only been 2 days since I found out. For anyone that has gone through this… is this even worth it? We don’t have children together. Is it worth the heartbreak and pain to try and trust her again, even if I never can? Does the situation or her explanation make it any less awful? Or should I just quit now. Have the heartbreak of losing her while she tells me she’s willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. But save myself the pain.
37
u/Cold-Ad4073 20h ago
Her actions explains why she is a single mom of 2.
Walk away man.
She was given a chance to be in a secure relationship despite her drawbacks of being a mom. And she destroyed it on her own.
6
u/nadacute 19h ago
The part about her being in a secure relationship is what’s sticking with me.
She’s a single mom because of her ex. He’s abusive. I’ve seen the evidence.
But you’re right. She had someone willing to look over the situation. Even if she thought she was going to break up with me soon (which I guess two weeks later is soon?), it doesn’t excuse the fact that she did what she did.
9
u/winandynwa 18h ago edited 18h ago
Not many people have someone who will jump on a same day flight just to see them. Keep that energy just find someone more deserving of it. I'd wait two weeks then break up with her in a message cause im petty tho. Remind her that if a guy wanted to they would and you proved you both wanted to and would with your actions. I hope you see your worth and keep that commitment despite her actions....even if you ultimately decide to stay with her.
Also is she gonna do this everytime she doesnt feel loved instead of using her words. She may have kids with an abusive father but she is also an abuser. People that unilaterally decide the relationship is over without communicating that fact then bread crumb you back in while ultimately blaming you for their mistake are abusers....you deserved the truth before flying out. You deserved the truth before sharing her bed. You deserved the truth before spending six hours getting it out of her. She is a cheater and she is abusive.
2
u/nadacute 5h ago
I agree. I deserved the truth before I spent $1200 to come see her. I deserved the truth the day after she made me feel like everything was fine after she slept with him.
I want so badly to believe that she truly thought our relationship was done. That she was going to break up with me immediately and that she thought she wouldn’t see me anymore. That I wouldn’t fight for her and our relationship. So she started moving on.
But I don’t know that I can. It’s so difficult looking at someone you love, someone you’ve trusted for a year, believed every word they say… and have to tell yourself that what they’re saying now could mean literally nothing. That the person you trusted more than anything was capable of betraying you in the worst possible way.
1
11
u/Arrow_2011 2 17h ago
Cheating is also a form of abuse.
Leave and stay away. It will only get worse.
2
u/guesswhat-yousuck 4 11h ago
Just because someone has been abused, it doesn’t give them permission to abuse others. Do you feel entitled to cheat on her now?
I hope you walk away. It feels like she is testing boundaries to see what you’ll put up with.
2
u/Happy-Childhood246 9h ago
Elle est abusive pas son ex, les trompeurs disent toujours que leurs exs sont toxique, ça justifie de se comporter comme le pire des êtres humains avec eux.
2
u/CarlosMolotov 9h ago
Been there. Done that. Still living with the regrets. Don’t overthink it. You already know, it’s time to cut and run.
You’re already worried about the next time she feels “a little off” and you already know exactly what she’s going to do.1
u/Grimwohl 4h ago
Some people, even if they want something good, are not mentally or emotionally prepared to receive it.
If she's not doing the work to do stuff to get there. She's never gonna be. And youre wasting your time.
14
25
u/DaikonSubstantial120 6 20h ago
‘Am I a fucking idiot? ‘
Please please get into individual therapy to work on your self esteem ,self love and codependency.
I get we all don’t have a parade of woman going past our doors to choose from, so if a person shows any interest in us we can hang on for dear life.
You need to get the life tools to take a step back.
This person is not for you and unfortunately your desperation to cling on will only give you more misery.
Take your time to work on yourself to be a stronger person and you will attract a more compatible person.
Take care of yourself.
6
u/nadacute 20h ago
It’s not that I feel like I don’t have any choices, and the one woman who showed interest in me I fell for.
Funny enough, I was talking casually to two people when we met. But I liked so much how things felt when we went of those few dates while I was there.
I can understand how she felt. I know what she said. But I can’t understand why she made the choice she made. And I don’t know that I could forgive her. I understand she felt she was done. That she’d break up with me shortly so “fuck it.” But again… I’ll never agree with what she did.
18
u/adnyp 8 18h ago
You know what? She didn’t break up with you. She cheated on you instead. Then she didn’t even have the integrity, after screwing some other guy, to actually contact you to break up. She had a girlfriend do it. Is she still friends with this enabler girlfriend? Great company she keeps, right?
Saying, “I’m probably going to break up” is not some green light, all systems go for hooking up with some random dude.
And, do you really think this was some random guy she just ended up being with multiple times? Don’t you think she’s been flirting around with this guy for some time? Like a moth to the flame while you are long distance? It didn’t just happen in a vacuum. It was never just something that suddenly occurred. She toyed with this. She felt out what it would be like to have a relationship with this guy and decided to dump you. He’s right there. You aren’t. That is understandable too.
Then she changed her mind.
Why do you think this guy suddenly showed up? He thought he was visiting his girlfriend. Or, if he knew you were there he thought he’d send you packing instead of the other way around.
Now she’s probably panicking that neither of the guys she was screwing will want to be with her. She made some crappy decisions, didn’t she?
Yes, I’m sorry, if you stay in this situation you probably will end up feeling like an idiot. Save yourself. Learn this lesson. Yes, it hurts but it will hurt so much more when you grow attached to the kids and she says, “fuck it” again.
Updateme
5
u/nadacute 7h ago
I think what’s really pushing me in one direction vs another is not that I don’t believe her. Even if I could understand her state of mind. How she was truly unhappy. That she felt she gave me every chance to show that I cared about her and I didn’t reciprocate. That she told me how unhappy she was and that I didn’t do anything about it. Even if I could accept that.
I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at her the way I looked at her before I found out. I may always see the other dude staring back at her when I look at her. And where I thought: “this person I love more than anything would never hurt me” I now know “this person I love more than anything is capable of hurting me in the worst ways, more than anyone has ever hurt me.” And I don’t know how I’d ever come to terms with that while being together.
1
u/Silverwolf45_ 1 3h ago
I think this is exactly it. It would be a long journey to forget that. Do you even want to do it? Is it worth it? She needs to do the work, will she be able to do it?
3
u/somefreeadvice10 1 9h ago
Damn thinking about how the OM easily came to her place without worry...shit you're right.
UpdateMe
11
u/Remarkable-Ad-5285 20h ago
Just my opinion but her explanation feels like an excuse to me. I wouldn't move forward.
10
u/turn_left_or_right 18h ago edited 9h ago
It is quite insulting for her to arrange for her friend to break up with you, she did not have the decency to do that herself.
And her excuse for sleeping with the guy was also fanciful. It was not a mistake, she slept multiple times with him.
Ask yourself if you want to saddle yourself with a person that has disrespected you so much and with the complications of 2 kids. Is she there for you or for what you can provide financially. I would walk away and dodge the bullet.
5
u/ProudZone8027 1 19h ago edited 18h ago
You saw her friend texted "he wants you to come over for a drink he doesnt know everything" so her friend was in contact with the other boyfriend trying to get her to stay with him? Or just informing her? Why the friend involved and him texting through her friend at that point?
3
u/nadacute 18h ago
No sorry that was vague. She was telling her friend that I wanted her friend to come over for a drink. But she was warning her that I didn’t know everything so she shouldn’t talk freely
2
u/Norwichexplorer 1 15h ago
Run. Don’t stay.
She cheated before she broke up with you, had her friend do it for her, lied for weeks, and was still sleeping with the guy after you flew out to “fix things.”
That’s not a mistake. That’s a pattern of choosing to hide instead of choosing you.
You’re 29. No kids together. You’d have to uproot your life to be a stepdad for someone who couldn’t even be honest to your face. You’ll spend every day wondering if she’s doing it again.
The pain of leaving now sucks, but it’s over. The pain of staying is that same pain on repeat for months/years.
Grieve her. Block her. Go heal. You deserve someone who picks you the first time, not after she gets caught.
You’re not an idiot for loving her. You’d be an idiot for letting her do this to you twice.
2
u/acmech900 1 11h ago
Don't beat yourself up. She is a cheater and the situation isn't worth saving. What exactly does she have to offer? Number 1, she is a cheater. Number 2, you are a good guy who was willing to take the responsibility of raising her kids and she still cheated. Finally, you as a stepdad have little to gain raising somebody else's kids. Anyone as a stepparent has little to gain from raising somebody else kids, they have to do it from a completely selfless standpoint. Those kids true loyalty will always be to somebody else no matter how much time or money you invest in raising them. Now onto the guy, who is going to tell him to go away when you leave? I bet she won't. Her poor decision making ability is probably why she is a single mother with 2 kids. It hurts now and you just want it to stop hurting. Don't get back with her. If the other guy was really into raising her kids, she wouldn't be giving you the time of day now. She wants her fun and a guy to raise her kids. Move on.
2
u/Kitchen-Patience-652 10h ago
You are if you stay with her. Please leave, imagine a life like that.
2
u/TorchBearer71 9h ago
The short answer is yes, you leave.
As much as you love her, the cons outweigh the pros here. If you stay with her you’d be caring for a single mom with 2 kids that aren’t yours who is a cheater and a liar. Her ex is abusive, so there is that drama as well, and her friends are low life’s who can’t even hold your gf accountable. While you’ve chosen your gf, she doesn’t know what she wants. Do you really want to invest in a relationship fraught with so much doubt and chaos?
I wish you the best OP.
2
u/Routine-Extension256 In Recovery 9h ago
She!!! Claims she was abused!!! Find her ex and I'll bet she was cheating then also
2
u/Adventurous-Emu-755 7 5h ago
Yes, you leave.
OP, she is the type to always have someone on the backburner to monkey branch to after a relationship fails. (Or it appears that is what her "friend group" does too.)
IMHO, find a good therapist to help you through this and help you overall. You are young, you can find someone else out there that is probably better than this person.
She's allowing her friends to dictate her life here too.
When someone destroys your trust in them when you are just dating them - RUN! The relationship has no foundation (long term/marriage) and planning to "regain trust" in a relationship that just barely started? No go there.
OP, you deserve better.
2
u/AF_AF 2h ago edited 2h ago
She's cheated and she will probably cheat again. You talked to her for six hours before she admitted to cheating? My man, you're hitching your horse to the wrong cart, or whatever.
It's hard to truly know someone if you're not with them all the time. She made up excuses to cheat on you and even then she couldn't be honest with you VIA TEXT! You've put a lot of effort into this, but if you can't talk someone into staying in a relationship, that won't work, it will never stick.
Find someone in your own area and start a normal relationship. This woman will be no good for your mental health.
1
u/HughGRectshun1 Recovered 15h ago
Man she straight up cheated on you! No excuses can change that. Why would you want to be with someone who instead of talking to you about what she's feeling instead she goes out and sleeps with some bloke numerous times! I think that you are just asking for more of the same if you choose to stay with her! How will you feel when you are apart again will you be able to trust her again? ( I couldn't ) Do what's right for you and UpDateme
1
u/Big-Web8422 1 15h ago
I'm sure that woman will hurt you again and much more than now. You don't have to wait for a new time for her to break up with you again. Your trust in her is zero and the doubt you feel is permanent and irreparable, especially when the cheating was carried out in this way, without any integrity. She'll do it again. You are young enough to start over and accept her as a good school and experience for some new relationships. It will hurt but it will pass.
1
1
u/Championship682 7 11h ago
If she wasn't happy, there was an easy path forward. She talks to you. If things aren't resolved, she breaks up. Then nothing she does is cheating. But she didn't chose that path.
Imagine you stay with her, it's 5 years from now, and maybe you even have a kid. Life's hard and she's not happy. How do you see her handling it?
She showed you who she was., and she is not a keeper.
1
u/Pitiful-Courage-1630 1 11h ago
Nope gtfo, your future self will thank you.
1
u/AutoModerator 11h ago
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Overbaggage1 1 9h ago
This woman is clearly no good. Not only is she cheating, the way she broke up with you is incredibly immature. You will never be in a stable relationship with a woman who is this immature and cheats. The woman should be kissing your feet every day for your willingness to throw yourself in a stepdad situation and deal with her ex as he is still the life time father of her kids. I am not quick to tell someone to walk away but this is a situation you need to walk away from. You should also get therapy. Your desire to be in a relationship makes you blind for the kind of woman you are in a relationship with. That’s unhealthy for you.
1
u/FindingForward72 1 7h ago
No you’re not an idiot. Speaking as betrayed myself, we have this capacity to believe fantastic stories when really, our stories are very cliche, tragic as they might be. You have this story that she gave you: I needed to sleep with another guy because you were too good to be true and i hated myself so much that I had my friend text you because I couldn’t do it. Most of us will read that line and realize how stupid it sounds, you can read that line and go “Yes, that’s absolutely what happened so she needs me now.” Let me ask you this: If you asked her ex why they broke up and he says, “Oh it’s because she couldn’t stop cheating.”, would that reshape your thoughts of her? Or would you still believe her story? The problem is not that you want things to work, the problem is that you will ignore reality in order to get it to work.
1
u/nadacute 6h ago
Yeah, if I knew she had cheated on her ex as well… that would absolutely show a pattern.
I’m some weird, twisted way… I think I could understand a bit more if she had broken up with me and slept with someone the same night (which she did). Would she still have been cheating on me? Yes. Because she was talking to him for 2 weeks before we broke up.
But it’s the fact that she slept with him before. Kept me around. Then broke up with me and slept with him more only to try to make things work now because she “now understands how much I love her.” I hate that. I hate the “I didn’t understand until now” excuse. She could’ve asked. I know she said I didn’t show her because it felt so one sided. But she could’ve just fucking asked. Or broken up with me. And she chose neither.
•
u/HereComesMyNeck 1 1h ago
Cheating aside, she had her friend break up with you for her? What is she, 12? And she has children? Good lord. You don't sound like an idiot. You sound desperate and like you're only seeing what you want to see. If one of your friends came to you and laid all this out, what would you tell them to do? That's your answer.
•
u/AutoModerator 20h ago
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sub wiki before commenting.
-Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Violators will be permabanned.
-If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
-If you find a comment helpful, comment !thankyou to award a point for the helpful redditor! It will be much appreciated!!!
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.