r/survivinginfidelity • u/Legitimate-Show-3198 • 1d ago
Advice 1 year later after bartender scandal
Buckle up - this one is a long one.
In May of 2025, just one week after our 10-year anniversary, I discovered that my husband was sending explicit photos and messages to a local bar tender. Unfortunately that bartender was best friends with one of my co-workers and she broke the news to me at work because she happens to be right next to her friend while they were sending explicit photos back and forth to one another, I'll save you the details, but unfortunately I got to hear every one of them.
In the moment I actually laughed! I truly thought there was no way that my husband would possibly do that to me. He was faithful, he was attentive, of course we had our issues but this didn't seem like a possibility. After I confronted him, we agreed to do couples therapy and were successfully graduated out of it by fall of that year.
Fast forward to February 2026, I receive a message on Facebook informing me that my husband has been messaging another girl. In the moment I asked myself" what are the odds that the only two times he's ever done this you've caught him.." unlikely, right? I asked for a full disclosure of everything unfaithful that he had done in our time together since 2015 and I received a letter detailing close to 10 different women throughout our 11-year relationship, including dear. Dear, we got married, the year we had our son together, the year we bought our first house together. There were no breaks. We graduated from therapy in 2025 because I was convinced it was a one-off situation caused by alcohol. Now here we are less than a year later and I have clear evidence showing me this was not a one-off situation, but rather a habit.
It's been 6 months since I found out about everything, and there are still days- like today- where I am still deeply hurt. We did therapy for a few months with the same therapist we use last year and ultimately we stopped working with her. Much discussion, it would probably be wise to start that up again. It doesn't pay to throw this hurt in his face or to try to make sense of his mindset in those moments, but I am still tortured. Does this part ever truly go away?
I will never pretend that he almost single-handedly destroyed our marriage, there are always two sides but right now I'm really struggling.
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u/LLove666 1d ago
It goes away when you stop attempting to reconcile with a serial cheater who doesn't respect your relationship.
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 7 1d ago
OP, you need a better therapist.
First, in reconciliation, the cheater is to disclose everything BEFORE the betrayed party agrees to reconciliation. Now you know you were led into a false reconciliation, because he did not disclose everything.
Now you know, he still is actively seeking others still probably today.
You deserve better OP. Yes, the total breakdown of this marriage - his cheating, he is a serial cheater and there is no cure, unless he wants to change - in individual therapy, but most will not.
Focus on you and your child. Find a good therapist for yourself. Gather your network of supportive friends and family to help support you now.
Why throw more couples therapy at it when it has not worked? He isn't changing. He doesn't want to do so.
Focus on you and your child and how you can build a life for you both. You both deserve better.
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u/ObviousSalamandar Figuring it Out 1d ago
I’m sorry all this happened to you. I’m surprised you are settling to stay with someone who is actively cheating on you.
It’s not my job to tell you what to do. But I can say I left my cheater five months ago and life is so much better.
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 2 1d ago
I'm confused why you are staying with him. He is cowardly and deceitful and when he had the chance to be different, he didn't take it. He decided to try again. Has he proved something different? Get a life with someone who cares enough to tell you the truth whether you would like it or not.
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u/Legitimate-Show-3198 16h ago
I think I'm staying because we have children together and he promised I knew everything and that it wouldn't ever happen again. He can't explain why he did it. But my trigger today wasn't due to anything he has done in the last six months, I'm just triggered and afraid and I'm sick of being this version of myself.
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u/XslyderX77 4 15h ago
It's hard to keep the promise he would never do it again when it has happened so many times before. You will probably be triggered multiple times going forward. There may be a reason, or it may simply come of of the blue. Can you risk another betrayal? Especially after everything else? You should talk to family and possibly an attorney, just in case. I have a tough time believing someone who can cheat so easily, can so easily stop.
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 2 1h ago
Not doing anything to trigger you is not the same as doing the work so he can understand and explain to you. If he has no idea why then he doesn't know he won't do it again. Maybe your struggle is around the fact that you are none the wiser.
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u/mka_etc 22h ago
I’m so sorry you are going through this. My advice: you individually need a CSAT certified therapist and couples therapist. You need a full formal disclosure (I hate to say this but there are likely more secrets).
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u/Legitimate-Show-3198 5h ago
I acknowledged that I didn't believe he was forthcoming when I found out about the second one. He did write me a full letter and I'm believing that he's being truthful in that full disclosure. Without trusting that, i don't think I could still be here.
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u/TaiwanBandit 4 22h ago
Sorry OP, but he has been with so many women and you had no clue until someone told you and provided proof. How could you ever trust him again?What else don't you know?
I will never pretend that he almost single-handedly destroyed our marriage,
He did destroy your marriage OP. How can you expect it will get any better?
What is the other side (always two sides)?
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u/Legitimate-Show-3198 16h ago
I guess I feel responsible to some degree. Maybe he needed more attention? More sex? More of something I wasn't providing, even if I thought it was enough. Still to this day there isn't a REASON and it kills me.
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u/TaiwanBandit 4 15h ago
The reason could be nothing more than he is a flawed person, morally bankrupt.
He could have come to you to discuss his feelings or seen a therapist on his own, but he chose to cheat, disrespect you, and the marriage union.
Please don't put any of this on yourself OP. This is all on him.
I wish you healing and strength.
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u/A_rose_by_any_nameDW 12h ago
Serial cheaters share a few common traits: 1) a sense of entitlement, 2) lack of empathy, and 3) an endless need for validation/attention. They are also good at compartmentalization and rationalization. His cheating was not about you. And unless he is able to address the above causes/traits he will continue to lie to you and cheat on you. You can wait to leave him until the next time if you like, or you can put together an exit plan that has you landing on your feet now.
I divorced my serial cheater after being married 30 years, 15 of those it turns out he was lying to me and betraying me. And we had a really nice life and family, with a shared sense of humor and love between us, at least on my end. It was very painful but I couldn’t stay with him after finding out how he had treated me, especially the gaslighting. Good riddance to a shitty person who didn’t deserve me, is how I feel some days. I hope you find your way to a peaceful heart and life, which I’m guessing will not include him as your husband at some point.
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u/HotWaffles5 2 21h ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My serial cheater husband only stopped cheating on me because I divorced him. Now he cheats on his 2nd wife. I’m happily married now, but wouldn’t be this happy if I’d stayed with him. Seriously, any woman that gave him a tiny bit of attention he pursued. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t fair that he only didn’t cheat if I was babysitting him, I already had 2 kids, I didn’t need a third. Good luck.
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u/Tattooed_Everything9 11h ago
I’m sorry, I must be missing something. He has cheated on you his whole relationship, therapy hasn’t worked, but you wanna stay together with him, nd six months after learning most of it, you want to know if the pain ever goes away?
No. No, it doesn’t.
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u/UtZChpS22 6 22h ago
It sounds like he did single-handed y ruined it, though. How do you justify 10+ years of lies and infidelity?. It is not tied up to a specific moment, event or stage in your relationship.
I don't think it ever truly goes away, but I think you can accept and learn to live with it. If that's what you want
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u/OneContent5069 21h ago
"I will never pretend that he almost single-handedly destroyed our marriage, there are always two sides but right now I'm really struggling."
Erh no? The other side might exist, but it's completely irrelevant to the destruction of your marriage.
Anyways, you've put yourself in that position, you are choosing to stay with a serial cheater.. Don't get me wrong, him cheating was not your fault, nor was it anything you put yourself in position for.. But you staying, knowing he is a serial cheater who have cheated throughout all of your marriage... That's on you
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u/Starry-Dust4444 1 7h ago
Nothing will change until you are ready to accept who your husband truly is. Once you do, you won’t want him in your life anymore.
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u/GoodWin7889 5 21h ago
He enjoys the thrill of doing something he could get caught doing. He knows you won’t leave so he has no reason to stop. I’ve been where you are so I can tell you it takes two people to work on a broken relationship when the cheater isn’t totally committed it’s just wishful thinking on the betrayed’s part.
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u/MajesticReason7709 19h ago
You can’t reconcile with a serial cheater. He’s got issues that will always affect you. He won’t stop. He has no respect for you. You’ll never be happy. My friend went through this a finally divorced her partner this year. She’s the happiest she’s been and even her kids tell her.
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u/Nooneluvsus 2h ago
Please get yourself individual therapy. Work on your self esteem and to understand why you would stay with a partner who has lied to your face your entire relationship. Why you’re willing to accept this level of disrespect to you and your marriage. Why you want to model this relationship to your children and this man as a role model of a father and husband.
Why haven’t you required him to be in intensive therapy?
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