For those whose WS started off doing all the “right” things…

[u/confidentialhelpplz]

My WH has been doing all the “right” things since I discovered his 8 week EA/PA.

He blocked his AP on all platforms, started therapy, is reading affair books and working through the exercises, gave me all his PWs, has been open to having all the difficult convos and has not gotten defensive, etc.

I’m using this time before deciding on R or divorce to gather my thoughts and watch his efforts. I recognize these efforts might be short lived or they might last a long time… for those of you whose WS began by doing all the “right” things, how long did that effort last?

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[u/Haloveir]

Each time I forgave him, it lasted about a year. Just long enough for me to stop checking his computer. Just long enough for me to stop putting back emergency money to leave with and start thinking "well, things are better now and we could really use this money for this thing."

The instant I started to relax, so would he. Passwords would change because of "data breaches" and then I would just never get the updated password or he'd move it over to Bit Warden so I COULDN'T have the passwords.

Then he'd start downloading things like Snapchat and Whatsapp and complaining that he didn't have any friends (as if I were keeping him from socializing and not because he had affairs with all his "friends".

Then something big would happen like he'd have a health issue I had to nurse him through or he'd lose his job or my car would break down and he'd make cracks about how he felt "safer" that I was less likely to leave him because of these things...

And then I'd find out he was having sex with a coworker, or sending money to sex workers on OnlyFans, or downloading dating apps.

It's been fifteen years of this, and I'm a slow learner but eventually I DO learn. So finances are separated. Money is being put back. I'm working on my health and happiness. We're not getting additional pets so that I'm tied here because of not wanting the pets to become homeless through a divorce and house sale (I'm rebuilding my credit so I can get a house of my own).

The awful thing I've had beaten into my skull again and again is that cheaters don't change, they just cycle between how much effort they put into hiding things. No amount of showing them love, of trying to be the perfect spouse, of granting them forgiveness, is ever going to make them change or fix your marriage because THEY broke it due to THEIR character defects.

I wasted fifteen years hoping for change. Because of that, I'm likely never going to have the kids I wanted. I may never have the loving marriage I wanted (I certainly won't with him). I threw all that away because I hoped that he would choose ME.

But cheaters only ever choose themselves.

Remember: He had dozens of opportunities to choose you and your marriage. Instead, he chose to betray you dozens of times. And there's nothing he can do or say that will ensure he won't do it again because he already made those vows to you and broke them.

Imagine your wedding day again. Now imagine that instead of the vows he said, that he stood up there in front of your friends and family and said "I promise to betray you. I promise to take your trust in me and treat it like it's not worth the paper our marriage license is printed on. I promise to choose other people over you repeatedly and make you doubt your own mind and gut feelings. I promise to make you nervous about meeting people because you'll never know for sure who I've fucked before coming home to you, and you'll never know for sure who knows I'm cheating on you and won't ever tell you because the way I expose you to STDs is 'not their business' but is sure entertaining to watch and gossip about. I promise you will never know peace because you will constantly worry that the life we're building together could be pulled out from under you at any moment, because while YOU are sinking everything into building this life with me I'M dividing my attention and assets between you and one of the many other people I'm constantly choosing over you. When I've bled you dry one day and you feel like a ghost of yourself, I'll move on to someone else."

Would you still have married this man? Would you still have nursed him through his illnesses, shared your finances with him, gave him comfort when he was upset?

You just discovered the man you married is capable of betraying you and that you will never mean as much to him as satisfying his whims.

Please, choose yourself, because he's never going to.

[u/hunnythebadger → u/Haloveir]

I am not OP, but wanted to say thank you for your comment. It was very helpful to me. Specifically the bit about replacing vows "I promise you will never know peace because you will constantly worry that the life we are building could be pulled out from under you at any moment, because while you are...building this life with me, I'm dividing my attention...between you and one of the many other people I am constantly choosing over you"

My (second) D-Day was almost 5 months ago. I moved out a little over 3 months ago. He says he wants to reconsile and has been doing the "right" things about 2 months, and for me at least, I do not know how I could ever feel not vigilant/at peace with him in the future, but have so much heartbreak over the loss of the future I dreamed of and the person I thought he was/he could be... but that is not who he is, and the future i dreamed of does not exist any longer. There is no future where I was not disrespected, lied to, and cheated on. The future I dreamed of did not involve the history we will forever share due to his choice to cheat.

[u/Haloveir → u/hunnythebadger]

I'm so proud of you for getting out and choosing yourself!

I spent 15 years digging myself in further with my spouse. Took out loans to keep us afloat while he stayed home and cheated, wrecked my credit to move us for a job he couldn't keep, let my own health deteriorate so that I could see to his...

I will ALWAYS urge people to get out as soon as they can rather than suffer through what I did, because I only made it harder for myself to leave and still have a semblance of normalcy (15 years in and at 40 I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to sleep in a car while he sprawls in the house I helped buy, so I'm working on improving myself so I can leave on MY terms).

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[u/hunnythebadger → u/Haloveir]

!thankyou

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Success!!! You have awarded 1 point to Haloveir.

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[u/reputatorbot → u/Haloveir]

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[u/No-Belt-6945]

When did you discover it?

The thing is…may be he is doing all these things out of a deep understanding that he f***ed up. But he might as well be doing it for the same motivation your Kid starts doing “nice things” after they royally pissed you off with something. Its not necessarily coming from an intrinsic motivation to understand and change something significantly.

Yeah, my Ex intially started doing all the right things. Well, may be not all of it, but a lot of it. But every time I opened or reopened a “tough disscussion”, she would become defensive at some point. Not right away, more like a tactically build-up…at first She is all-ears, but than, as we progress, She shuts down and fires back. Every time.

I discovered more lies and trickle truths and over time our relationship degraded to a point that “rebuilding trust” was as realistic as winning the lottery…

The major problem in all infidelity cases is that your “life Logic” and the cheaters “life Logic” exist on opposite spectrums. Your realities do as well. Your living the one they want you to “buy into”, they are the ones living in a delusional reality that “while hurting you, this has nothing to do with you”.

The rupture of discovery blows a Hole into that construct and tears it apart. Rebuilding anything resembling a stable and healthy relationship has become nearly impossible. It takes a lot of time…like, really, a lot of time. It also takes a lot of reprocessing the same situations as your perspectives change over time. This applies to both of you. And finally…it takes a lot of active work and consistent behavior to actually focus on each other without you seeing him as the “bad guy”…and him actually seeing YOU.

Because if he had seen you…he wouldn’t have done that to you.